Chuuya: I Had No Idea You Were So Willing To Die For Me.

*married skk au where Chuuya is an ada member and he and Dazai brought their child to work*

Dazai: Chibi, we know where the serial killer is. Me and Kunikida will go arrest him. I need you to take the baby.

Chuuya: No, you need to take the baby. I have to go right now.

Dazai: So what do we do???

Chuuya: I guess we can call that creepy babysitter we interviewed this morning.

Dazai: Turned out that babysitter is the serial killer we are looking for.

Chuuya, yelling: Even better! Two birds, one stone. We bring him to you!

Dazai, yelling: We're not giving our baby to a serial killer!

Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.

Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.

Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.

Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.

Dazai, walking up to look at a dead body: Okay, first of all, big mood.

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*

Dazai: Chuuya is mad at me and I don’t even know why.

Odasaku: Were you talking before he got mad?

Dazai: Yeah.

Odasaku: That’s probably why.

Fukuzawa: And, as always, here's your weekly reminder that therapy and other psychiatric services are covered by the ada healthcare plan.

Dazai:

Dazai, whispering to Kunikida: Why does he always look at me when he says that?

Dazai: I hope I get run over.

Atsushi: Aww, come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!

Dazai, sighs: Fine, I hope I get run over by a reindeer.

A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.

Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~

Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.

Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???

Atsushi: Oh.

Dazai: How old were you guys when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Atsushi, whispering to Kunikida: How old am I?

Kunikida: You’re 18, Atsushi.

Atsushi, sadly: I was 18.