They Should Invent A Medicine That Makes The Aching Jagged Wound In Your Soul Close

the offseason’s coming to a close, dracula be upon ye

I love reading classic books because I get part way through one and I suddenly realise that despite its prevalence in pop culture, I don't actually know what it's about, or how it ends.

and that is great. because then I get to read the rest of it and then, finally, I sit there and I go "oh, fuck, THAT'S why it's a classic!"

Honestly I think Johnathan would benefit from some deep breathing exercises. Maybe even some stretching or yoga. Throw some meditation in there and he will be fine

Me anytime I get a notification from Substack that isn’t Dracula Daily: this isn’t my dear friend Jonathan Harker >:(

Eternally fond of the way Jonathan says ✨excellent supper✨ each time in Re: Dracula

My girl Mina is back

From now until May 1, 50% of proceeds from sales of the Re: Dracula Audiobook and Re: Carmilla Supercut will be going to the Palestine Children's Relief Fund!

Actual things that happen in the 1897 Dracula novel, without context:

A character has ominous nightmares and attributes them to eating too much paprika

Dracula first appears wearing a fake beard

The person he was trying to fool with the fake beard immediately realizes Dracula and Beard Guy are the same man, due to both having really firm handshakes

We are told parrots are immortal unless fatally wounded

A Texan cowboy opens fire on a bat flitting around a window, and lodges a bullet in the wall of an occupied room

A woman is called a polyandrist for receiving blood transfusions from multiple men

An incorrectly addressed telegram leads to two deaths, multiple druggings, and several children being assaulted

Dracula, while trying to maintain a low profile, takes a lovely trip to the zoo and freaks out the animals so badly that he gets mentioned in a newspaper article

The one character who knows anything about vampires spends a good two-thirds of the book refusing to talk about vampires

Dracula went to Satan's Witchcraft Academy and somehow this is only brought up in two throwaway lines

A character gets stuck inside a circle of communion wafer crumbs

A major plot point of the book is Dracula (who was said to be a brilliant scholar and has the strength of twenty mortal men) realizing he can move boxes without human help

Someone is referred to as "manifestly a prig of the first water"

Two characters have a hobby of reading train schedules

A hospital lets a mental patient escape to see what will happen

A character starts vomiting up feathers from eating whole birds

A doctor refuses to give a medical diagnosis and instead makes a speech about growing corn

Dracula impersonates another character just by wearing the same clothes, despite being taller and visibly much older. This deception is successful.

A character "cleans" a room by eating all the insects in it

Suddenly: rats. Thousands of them.

The heroes progress in their efforts through "the wonderful power of money," i.e., bribery

Dracula has three other vampires in his castle. Their relation to him is never explained, nor are any of them named.

A character insists his salvation depends on having a pet cat

Dracula is thwarted by flowers on more than one occasion

A group of vampires stand in the hall outside a man's bedroom, talking loudly about their plans to eat him. When he comes to the door to confront them, they run away laughing

Dracula wears an unfashionable hat and gets roasted for it

A group of Romanians encounter a disheveled, shouting man and, "seeing from his violent demeanour that he was English, they [give] him a ticket for the furthest station on the way thither that the train reached."

A boat crashes due to Dracula having the munchies

A wolf is thrown through a window and immediately runs off, confused and covered in glass

Dracula makes a bed

No Dracula Daily today. Guess he's dead already.

Mina, my beloved, is back!

Mina, clever, brave, extraordinary Mina. Tech obsessed Mina. Record keeper Mina. Demands to be part of it all, not left to the side to be rescued Mina. Unholiest love Mina, adored by all but especially Jonathan. Devoted best friend even beyond death. Train fiend Mina. Absolutely prepared to work if her husband can never recover and support him despite living in an era when women just did not do that. Mina, who has the courage and strength of will not only to tell Dracula to fuck off but fucking use the psychic connection he established to hunt him. Mina who never NEVER had any mind of secret love forbidden romance thing with the Count.