Am I Ambitious

Tell me whats’s on your mind

Tell me what’s on your mind today, is it an ex lover you don’t talk to anymore or the job you didn’t get

Is it clouds in the sky as you stare in awe, is it the friend by your side, telling you what’s life been like for them lately.

Is it picture online of a friend doing something you would also love to do, or a love interest on a trip you would love to also be on

Is it the work you do and hate or the work you do and love

Is it lunch today or dinner plans tomorrow with your friends, is it the loneliness that sometimes visits you or the joy of sharing your space with your cat

Tell me what’s on your mind, let’s share the joy or burden together

Sometimes it pays to be embarrassed by a romantic partner or prospect for you to start to see clearly if a relationship makes sense or not

Shame can be strong teacher to re asses s situation

As an introvert, HSP

Living in a highly extroverted world, picking where I choose to extend my energy without feeling ashamed or like I am missing out, is one of the things I want to embody

They taught us to be quiet about it. To cross our legs. To hide our hunger. To feel shame for the fire that lives between our thighs.

They whispered that good girls don’t touch themselves. That women who love sex are dirty. Easy. Wrong. But they forgot something.

Sex is power. Sex is healing. Sex is fucking holy.

When I touch myself, I’m not being selfish— I’m remembering I’m alive. When I moan, it’s not sin—it’s release. It’s prayer. It’s worship. It’s a woman choosing herself.

I love sex. I love pleasure. I love the wild, untamed, wet, shivering truth of my body.

And there is no shame in that. Not anymore. Not here. Not in this temple I call me.

— Seraphine 💋🔥💦

On the verge 

This is not a poem or poetry, it’s rambling, I feel close to tears not for anything in particular but because I think I feel everything and nothing all at once, i want them to come get me and make me feel better, i want them to call but i know I don’t want to pick up, I want them to stay and I want them to go, I want the opportunities but I don’t know if I can manage, I want ice cream, berry blast and suya, I want to be home so bad, I want to close the door of my room and disappear, I want to ball my eyes out.

I want to not care so much, while simultaneously caring about everything, I wish I had more bandwidth, I feel loose at the hems, I feel too overstimulated but somehow bored, I want to not exist, I want to not feel, I want to sleep so deeply and only wake up when necessary, I want love, I want to be wanted but also not care about being wanted, I want to move out but stay put.

Nothing helps, nothing helps, should I have fought harder, why does life have so much to do with fighting, even plants fight each other for sunlight, can being alive even ever be categorized as peaceful, I think to be alive is chaos, living is chaotic, the entire universe is chaos with everything hanging on a delicate balance.

This too shall pass, Abi is that this too shall end, anyone Sha, social media is shit, the economy is shit, can I manage my life, myself. Knowing there is something special about myself doesn’t make me feel special, does anyone feel so uncomfortable being seen as I do? I don’t want to need anyone or anything, why do we all need sustenance, why can’t life be just a little easier, to be Nigerian feels like you drew the short straw, do you think we draw straws for the kind of life we get to live?

I passed out once, I think about it sometimes the simple and quiet emptiness of not being conscious or could we also say of not existing, I feel nothing but a low buzz of everything, I know it’s there, I am just disconnected

You know “do it scared” is a legit CBT technique called Behavioral Activation. The basic tenet of it is that there’s a thing you have to do for your wellbeing that you’re having an emotion about (that you’re scared), and thoughts about (that you don’t want to do it) but the easiest thing to change out of the three of those (behavior, thoughts, emotions) is the behavior itself.

Because actually doing the work to change the emotion or thought so you want to do the thing is gonna take all day, but going and doing the thing without changing the thought or emotion is gonna take you like 10 seconds. And then once the thing is done (or started) your thoughts and emotions about it are kind of automatically different than they were before.

Doing it scared literally makes you less scared.

Note: it’s not the quick fix that avoiding the behavior is. It’s gonna take a lot of doing it scared before you get to do it not scared. But the difference is you’re doing it. And you’re building up to a day when doing it isn’t the worst thing you’ve ever done.

This might be an unpopular opinion but:

I'd rather start the romance all over again

I'd rather fix the problems

I‘d rather work on the triggers

I'd rather find out what went wrong

I‘d rather go through the hardships

I'd rather go through more fights and arguments

I'd rather go on more dates

I'd rather work on winning you over a million times

Than to start all over again with someone that won't be the same

I genuinely think pictures are weird

However they are a deliberate way to keep memory, to remember and being intentional about remembering because forgetting is very easy