Laughingreaper - Untitled

Abused kid things:

having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them

gaping holes in memory

feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours

always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake

worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times

guilt for wanting attention

depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”

guilt for receiving attention

feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you

always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger

being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE

feeling you’re going insane

trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself

trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you

feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are

craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it

fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse

self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused

trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t

not knowing how to prove that to anyone else

trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real

wondering why you stayed alive this far

I'm fading away

You know I used to be on fire - Halsey (Angel on fire)

It's not just other people we need to forgive. We need to forgive ourselves.

“I have thoughts in my head that can never be spoken.”

They’re destroying me

Am I really that bad

You say I'm worthless

That's what makes me sad

And I think you're right

You're soo great

You want me to be like you

But I know, I'm just a brat

I can never be like you

Cause I'm me and you're you

Not even a day goes without a fight

You don't even know the shit you say

Makes me wanna explode like a dynamite

That is what makes my mind and heart shut tight

I just wanna cry

And want you to comfort me

But you don't even seem to try

You just let it be

You always make me sad

Only because you're mad

But I guess, I'm really that bad.

There’s a frustration that comes with trying so hard and yet finding no results. I’m trying so fucking hard and yet I can’t escape the fact that I’d be better off dead.

Fernando Pessoa, from Un Soir à Lima; A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems (tr. by Richard Zenith)