Good Morning

i like to close my eyes when i make bad financial decisions

Good things make me anxious.

They feel like little birds landing on my shoulder, beautiful, soft, and incredibly light. And I can never shake the feeling that the moment I breathe in too deeply, they’ll flutter away. So I hold my breath… for as long as I can. I grip the goodness too tightly, until it bruises under the strength of my anxiety and fear. I try to earn it, to deserve it, to bargain with the universe so it stays. I do good things, hoping that maybe this time, I’ll be allowed to keep what I love.

But even in the warmth of joy, I mourn. I mourn in advance. I say goodbyes into the arms of beginnings. Because I’ve seen the way good things vanish. I’ve watched laughter curdle into silence. I’ve felt love dissolve in someone’s absence. So, when something kind or soft or bright finds me, I flinch. I brace. I mourn.

And sometimes, I let go too soon. I release the good before it can truly transform me. Before it can make a home in me. Because what if it leaves anyway? What if it teaches me a new kind of light, only to disappear and leave me in darkness that feels even deeper than before?

It’s such a strange thing, to be afraid of healing. To ache for something while pushing it away. I want good things to stay.

But maybe some good things are just meant to be held gently, with both hands, for as long as they’ll let you.

i’ll shit onna nigga head if i can.

ironically, the friend I did this with ghosted me lol. the rhubarb matcha was good as hell though.

What a pathetic little thing!

i will try to create something with my hands this weekend

one of my favourite parts of the night is the subtle change from civil twilight to nautical twilight, when you begin to notice the warm street lights. there’s only remnants of light in the sky, and the brightest stars become visible again.

Reading is not enough. I need to go back to school and start my PhD. I need more stimulation 😖(literally just graduated uni a few months ago lmao) sos

yeah