Couldn’t Pick Tbh

In the past year I have been really learning what it means to live with constant forgiveness towards myself. It is so easy to carry resentment and shame that I lose understanding and touch towards my true character. I am creating space for a version of me who can make mistakes, yet be loved unconditionally. Self love is not based on performance, but genuine curiosity and understanding of self.

2/2

Good things make me anxious.

They feel like little birds landing on my shoulder, beautiful, soft, and incredibly light. And I can never shake the feeling that the moment I breathe in too deeply, they’ll flutter away. So I hold my breath… for as long as I can. I grip the goodness too tightly, until it bruises under the strength of my anxiety and fear. I try to earn it, to deserve it, to bargain with the universe so it stays. I do good things, hoping that maybe this time, I’ll be allowed to keep what I love.

But even in the warmth of joy, I mourn. I mourn in advance. I say goodbyes into the arms of beginnings. Because I’ve seen the way good things vanish. I’ve watched laughter curdle into silence. I’ve felt love dissolve in someone’s absence. So, when something kind or soft or bright finds me, I flinch. I brace. I mourn.

And sometimes, I let go too soon. I release the good before it can truly transform me. Before it can make a home in me. Because what if it leaves anyway? What if it teaches me a new kind of light, only to disappear and leave me in darkness that feels even deeper than before?

It’s such a strange thing, to be afraid of healing. To ache for something while pushing it away. I want good things to stay.

But maybe some good things are just meant to be held gently, with both hands, for as long as they’ll let you.

devour the entire world, do it it’s your duty !!!

nothing more aggravating than someone shortening my name. Feels like I’m being dragged through shards of glass.

I feel like research these days people want to do things that are “relevant” and they’ll gain traction. And yeah I get that research has to be relevant I guess. And tbh I feel myself falling into that hole too cause your ideas need to be remarkable to be accepted into a PhD program yk? But it’s like I don’t want to stick to one “genre” or field of research. I want to dig into things that interest me or pique my interest? But I also want my work to mean something that even if a random person who’s not into research picks it up they’ll throughly enjoy the research? Idk

is it crazy to say that i have never been in love with anyone? at this point, i wonder if i’m capable of that.

Very pro weird girl. Not budging on that.