To The Person Reading This, I Hope Tonight Treats You Gently, And That Tomorrow Looks Brighter

This breaks my heart wide open

i like to pretend i already died and asked god to send me back to earth so i can swim in lakes again and see mountains and get my heart broken and love my friends and cry so hard in the bathroom and go grocery shopping 1,000 more times. and that i promised i would never forget the miracle of being here

the two keys to the 12th house potential

someone asked me about 12th house placements recently and it stuck around...'will it always feel like this? like you're walking in space without a spacesuit?'

I've let this question stay in my mind for some time and I feel like an answer is being shaped in my mind.

12th housers' main issue is knowing on some level what is going on. but when i say on some level, i mean on a very deep and hidden level. the neptunian connection to the human subconscious that we all talk about is real.

so people with 12th house placements often feel naked in front of these currents. like, there is an amount of healthy delusion people have to sustain in order to not feel constantly threatened by reality. you just need to remain centered in your own self and body, in your own abilities, because this is what protects you from disintegration. and when you're so sensitive towards other people's thoughts and motivation and intentions, to the dynamics in the world, you are forced to be the witness to a lot of cruelty. it takes you out of your own skin and you may find yourself drifting, feeling lost in life.

I've actually noticed feelings of paranoia are quite a common occurrence with 12th house people. you have to deal with this sensitivity in some way. when you listen to it too much, you get paranoid because you feel like you have no agency, nothing firm to protect you. you're out there for everyone. might sound a bit too dramatic to someone but 12th housers frequently feel like they can't shut themselves off from people's "hidden" side. and that feeling of dread somehow mixes with your intuition and makes you create haunting dark scenarios in your head. this brings you to the common dilemma: is it paranoia or intuition??

another way for 12th house people to deal with their intuition is by denying it. this is even worse because you become shut out from your most valuable source of insight and you can't make choices that are fully aligned with you. this often happens to me - i shrug off a feeling i get about something and try to use my mind instead cuz I'm like "screw this mumbo jumbo, I'm simply delusional". and then it turns out trusting this feeling would've saved me a lot of trouble.

I'm not saying you shouldn't think things through as well. it's just that suppressing your intuition cuz you're afraid of this insight has never led anywhere good and you're signing up for a half life like this.

the keys to using the potential of 12th house placements instead of denying it or being consumed by it are two:

• faith.

• embodiment.

first, you need to stop shrugging off your insights. more often than not, you're going to be in situations where you sense that people say things they don't mean or that they feel something they won't admit or sometimes aren't even aware of. and you're going to question yourself:

how can i possibly know what this person feels better than they do? how is my authority on them bigger than their own?

i think these are proper concerns and it's good to not jump to conclusions or force others into conversations they're not ready to be a part of.

but trusting your senses over what others want you to believe is the right course of action. i feel somehow audacious even writing this down. because this approach takes a lot of adjusting in order to not turn into a self serving monster or into someone who just can't listen to anyone else's point of view.

but still, faith in yourself is the way to go. it's the ultimate piscean gift. when you're armed with patience and trust in the process and your place in it, it gets easier to trust your intuition. you stop being triggered by it. you stop trying to draw a "confession" out of people. you stop feeling sad and rejected without being able to explain why. you stop trying to convince yourself in things that seem reasonable but don't quite make sense to you. you stop living by the rules people expect you to follow but never made you feel whole.

second, embodiment is the next step. your body is what stands between you and getting lost in the collective, in everyone else. you need to be able to withdraw back into your own autonomy.

work out. try to sharpen your senses and to stay in touch with them. make a ritual out of listening to the needs of your body just like you listen to everyone else.

don't stay working just a tad bit more or listening to a friend's problems when your body wants food or to pee rn. don't put your body second. make it a priority. by showing it you hear it and value it you're going to be more aware of it and it's going to serve you better as a protection between you and the world. you need to be able to trust your feet and feel grounded to cross the waters of the collection subconscious. the 12th house rules feet for a reason.

gentle reminders in case you need it:

it’s ok to start “late”

drink water if you haven’t for hours

it’s ok if u need more time than other people

it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling

you have a cute smile

you make people happy

you have plenty of good traits

you are loved

you deserve all the good things

it’s ok if you relapse, it doesn’t make u weak

bad days are just temporary

tomorrow is a new day

you can heal again

I’m proud of you

Me to everyone struggling with discrimination like I am - but also worse.

To the trans femmes/trans women of colour who are systematically oppressed. Who get assaulted by "peace" officers and faced with gross uses of "power" (control) from a system that doesn't care, and so they get penalized-or they get murdered every year.

To all the other people who forget, like me, that we as LGBTAQI+ people-especially bisexual people, esspecially ace people, especially us trans people, but then again, especially all of us-legally don't have rights beyond just a very basic "workplace discrimination" catchall (and sometimes not even that). We don't have *basic* housing rights, in most cases. We get sneered at, laughed at when/if we complain.

Our families disown us, and we carry on.

Friends drop us after being profiled by the police, and don't return our calls, and we still make dinner for ourselves, run errands, smile at strangers, and pet a cat.

Increasingly, however, the more stories I read, as we're preading awareness of the things that we as LGBT+ people go through, we seem to be facing more of a backlash. And the more I am faced with unsafe housing environments, (including verbal abuse) and not only given no legal protection, but ignored, gaslit, and publicly shamed and humiliated for speaking out against these issues...the more haunted I feel. The harder it's been to fight against the flashbacks and "think positively" (whatever that means).

Increasingly, I feel like crying every time someone gives me a hug. I seriously feel like I would crumble the next time. I feel like I'm holding back tears every time I see people interacting happily, because I get the impression they don't cry themselves to sleep at night, they don't worry, increasingly, if the next microaggression from an ignorant cishet person will cause us to lose our housing, our employment, our reputation..and we'll be told it's "our fault", for being the way that we are, if not outright, then covertly.

I didn't want to say this, but I'm losing hope, I guess is what I'm saying here. I got yelled at for simply watching She-Ra & The Princesses of Power where I live the other day, after trying my darndest to self-soothe when someone on TV had similar triggers as me. I was yelled at for picking up my blockers (which I need to have, to cause me to, if not *want* to live, then at least not want to die), because I'm on an inconsistent "blackout" at this SLE. They said it would be a week. They lied.

Scrutinised when I speak up, and increasingly having limited rights in any so-called "recovery" environment. At this point, if you're not helping us, you're hurting us. If you claim my existence is "political", then please remove yourself from my life (when I am not absolutely forced to talk to you).

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a burden. I don't even have any girlfriends (I'm transfeminine) to talk to, because I was forced to live in a house full of men-even after I explained I have trauma from men.

I literally called four "helplines" I found online from desperation, several times yesterday, and was told that they were "assisting other callers". I keep trying my best to find a counselor and I keep either getting turned away or at least no called back.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of being "strong". I wish I had a childhood that I could remember, but even beyond that, I would settle for giving myself that now that I'm older..except I know that I can't even do that right now. I feel like I've let myself down. I feel like (and this breaks my heart to say), it was silly to dream.

It matters. Can you hear me? I am holding your hands and telling you it matters because you matter

All of this.

We knew we had ADHDbrain *long* before diagnosis.

We knew we had BPD *long* before even all the symptoms were showing.

We knew we even were Multiple v. early on (but were gaslit by psychiatry).

You know you better than anyone else.

Gatekeeping culture is like: “don’t get your information online it’s too easy😡!!!” Then offer “find research papers online it’s really easy🙄”

Then block you.

Self diagnosing isn’t TikTok videos and random blogs. It’s literally months to years of research. There’s a lot of reasons why someone can’t get professionally diagnosed.

Misdiagnoses happen a lot

People aren’t taken seriously

It’s expensive asf

Its inaccessible

People want to adopt

People want the right to their bodily autonomy

I’m disappointed when I go online and see my bullies are now nurses. That’s kinda the same thing when I go on here and see professionally diagnosed people who shit on undiagnosed for posting coping mechanisms.

Stop calling people “the problem” for coping. The real issue is people who post any “if you have these… you might have” THATS DANGEROUS. what isn’t dangerous is:

Finding coping mechanisms

Find organization tools to function

Therapy

Talking about experiences

Researching extensively on traits

Documenting

Unmasking

Printing off quizzes or research articles from well established resources (Embracing Autism, ASAN, AIM, awn network, A4A)

Stimming (if it isn’t harming)

Advocating for diagnosis is one thing. Being a bully online is another. It’s a disability not a quirk, a lot of self diagnosed people know it’s a disability. We can identify the actual problems in the self diagnosing community but a lot of us aren’t those.

We’re valid

THE MOON

My favorite "planet'' to seek out in somebody's natal chart. It's my favorite for a reason of course, showing what makes us safe, grounded, subconsciously ill or better, the relationship with our mothers, our fears, our soft side underneath that rigid shell.

🟦 One of the two lunars in astrology, shining light at the darkest and deepest waters. People always think how the Sun is so important (which I'm not saying it isn't), but for some reason the moon has it's secrets...it's depths that need to be unraveled. It has this spice of mystery, this picture of a naked soul we so desperately try to avoid.

In my humble opinion, the Moon has more power than the Sun (the ego, self) since the Moon is all about raw emotions and something you cannot mask most of the time.

🟦 The moons master is of course the water sign Cancer. Cancerian energy is all about safety. Cancers roam the shores, making sure they don't get caught for dinner. They move around in a zig-zag manner, meaning nothing is head on and everything and I mean EVERYTHING is thought threw. One wrong move and it's over for the shielded Cancer. They really are scared to go away, see new things since safety is always a question. The moment the get their tiny claws on a home in the rocks, they stay. Finally peace! Because of this we can say Cancers are very intuitive aswell, knowing when and how to come up from the cave, even though they can't really move their head to see above. They have to trust their instincts and follow their heart!

🟦 Cancer also represents the Mother, the womb, motherly instincts, security, emotional depth, the Home, security, nurture, children.

🟦 Interesting fact that I've learned is if you don't feel like your Sun sign, look at your SECT. Meaning you have to find out is your chart is a DAY or NIGHT CHART. If the sun is in the bottom half of your chart,you have a night chart and if it's in the top half, that's right, you're a day chart than. So when you're chart is a day chart you gravitate more to the energy of the Sun and if you have a night chart the energy of the moon feels more like home! Even though it doesn't have to be that way. Also looking at the placement of your moon will indicate the intensity of this planet.

For example Moon in the 1, 8 or 12 house is on another level of intensity.

🟦 Moon also rules the 5th house. To put it shortly the 5th house is all about comfort, family and the Home. It also represents our maternal figure, our inheritance threw our ancestors, children, tradition, emotions.

Let's begin my astro observations for the moon, shall we? I'll write down some of my observations about signs and placements for the Moon!

🌙 Aries moons in my opinion have a hard time with managing their emotions, especially rage.

🌙 Taurus moons can be quite grounded in reality but very fixed on their emotions. Very stubborn about how they feel. Also, can be the jealous type. They are homebodies and introverts if they don't have a lot of fire/air energy in their chart.

🌙 Cancer moons are so complex to me. Even though they are at home with their sign they can be the kindest person ever or the most manipulating creature to have walked the earth. I see a lot of trouble with cancer moons in men, since cancer is a feminine sign, so if they constitley reject their feminine side...all hell will break loose. I've also noticed cancer moons hate working, they just want to stay home, watch TV and snuggle up in their blankey. They are the one's to be stressed out when they come back home, but after a while they acclimate to their familiar surroundings. They love a home-cooked meal aswell!

🌙 Moon in 8th house people always dabble in drugs. They are very found of psychedelics most of the time. Not big alcohol drinkers tbh. They are the people others are fascinated with and want to drain the soul out of them. 8th house mooners watch out for energy vampires and people who come to you only in rough patches. Be selfish, be raw. Protect your being and time.

🌙 Scorpio moooooons, my absolute favorite of the bunch. They have this psycho look in their eyes filled with mystery. They can be very vengeful and secretive at times, just don't double cross them. They love to test people's loyalty to see how long they will stay. A scorpio moon isn't gonna fold just like that, because once they do they don't get over you for a very very very long time. Especially if their chart is predominantly water. They love making you feel special and putting you on a pedestal. For me, Scorpio moons know what intense love is and for that I'm very jealous.

🌙 Moon in the 12th house can be a rough placement, but it does come with positive traits. 12th house natives know they are a little bit weird and crazy some days. They are prone to drugs and alcohol, mental issues and radical emotional changes in life, but at the sam time they feel everything from everyone. Huge empaths, can be kinda psychic. They really hold so much power, but beware of bad people trying to bring you down a dark path. Also, side note, if you have a 12 house moon, your mom also has it if you're a girl....go check it out.

🌙 Aquarius moons are weird, to put it shortly. They can smell what others feel but they don't really care. They have a hard time letting people in and even processing their own emotions. They also can seem selfish, but it's just because they don't feel emotions really deep. When there closed off from you, it's going to stay that way. Can be manipulative if they have a lot of air/water in their chart.

🌙 Moon in the 11 house love hanging out with the "underdogs" of society. They really want the misfits to come together and relate.

🌙 Sag moons have a reputation for cheating, but I don't really believe in it. They are fuckboys, don't get me wrong but once they find their person, it's over and done. They do like air/fire moons because they need space. Earth moons are to methodical for them and water signs are too clingy....and if the other person has venus/mars in water it's a no go most of the time. Sorry.

🌙 Cancer in the 4 house like their boobies touched/kissed. Since Cancer does also rule over the breasts!

🌙 Pisces moons, damn. They are something, let me tell you. Delusional as fuck about love/romance that's for sure. They always want to be the shrink to all the friends. Pisces moons are the ones to go missing in the middle of the party, only for you to find out they've gone for a 3 hour walk because they wanted to be alone. They enjoy reading, art and are such softies.

🌙 Capricorn moons need some water in their chart, otherwise they are fucking rocks.

🌙 Moon in the 1 house give the native such a cute appearance. So pure and humble in my opinion.

Twitter is a congregation of the world’s most brilliant minds

Me, in tears, halfway through writing a 300 word essay: I can’t do this anymore

Person on A03 who’s writing for fun:

HAPPY ACE AWARENESS WEEK FROM AUSTRALIA!!!