I Always Knew Something About My Dad Didn’t Add Up...

maybe gonna make this a oneshot, maybe just gonna let it drift away into silly headcanon land, but have a middle-of-the-scene snippet of Tim monologuing at Bruce in the middle of the kitchen floor after school:

so when virginia woolf writes paragraph long sentences it’s “revolutionary” and “starts a literary movement” but when I do it I’m “grammatically incorrect” and “need to revise this paper”

Service Offered: Professional Third Wheel

Unwanted suitors? Not sure if you’re on a date? Too nice to turn him down? I can help! With nearly four years of experience sabotaging romantic encounters, I’m the uncomfortable silence you deserve… and now, I’m offering my services professionally. 

Bring me along as a platonic bufferzone on unwanted or ambiguous dates with suitors you’re not interested in but don’t know how to turn down. Guaranteed to kill the mood or your money back!

Basic services include: Terrible puns, poorly-timed jokes, casual physical displays of affection, bringing up unappealing facts about you (to be established or fabricated ahead of time), including myself in attempts at cuddling, domineering the conversation, irritating laughter, talking about I may have finally found an apartment for rent that’s big enough to house all of your cats, subtly making remarks about how nice it is that you’ve made a new friend.  More advanced services: Creating diversions (available at tiers 1, 2, and 3; examples include pouring water over my head, impromptu hula dancing, and  triggering alarms), intimate displays of physical affection, accidentally spilling drinks on your suitor’s clothing, laughing at everything your suitor says while drinking until I manage to time it so that water comes out of my nose and sprays onto them. 

 Package deals: 

The Gay Best Friend: What it sounds like. Because this persona runs the risk of stereotype and exploitation, I prefer to keep this subtle. Willing to engage in mild flirtation with your suitor. Please use discretion when requesting this service; the intention is to make him realize that your feelings towards him are platonic. Do not even consider this package if he is aggressively homophobic. 

The Imposing Older Brother: I scowl, smirk, and huff judgmentally. Comes in two flavors: the Violent Ex-Con and the Insufferable Elitist. Can flex my physical or intellectual muscles as needed. 

The Irritating Younger Brother: I bring a gaming device along, snicker rudely and roll my eyes whenever he speaks, complain about the time, chew with my mouth open, shrug indifferently, prop my sneakers on his chair, wipe my nose on my hand, and bluntly interrupt the conversation whenever it strays out of your comfort zone. 

The Priest: Why the heck would you bring your priest on a date?! I don’t know, and neither will your suitor! Obfuscate them into backing off. If that doesn’t work, I will recite dry Biblical passages until they are driven away by crushing boredom or fear of Hell. 

The Son from The Future: Depending on the age difference, I can also pose as your Son from the Current Era. Will dress in conspicuously unusual clothing (ex. holographic baseball cap, life preserver, roller skates, VISOR-like sunglasses), continuously ask for the date and time, and anxiously mutter about how it’s almost time for you to ditch this place and meet my father for the first time.

The Enslaved Zombie Ex-Boyfriend: I don milky, semi-opaque contact lenses and follow you around mindlessly, with jerky, unnatural movements. I am at your beck and call, controlled from beyond the grave by your occult powers - the fate of all the boyfriends who displease you.  

The Demon Prince: I wear a stylish fawn suit, soft kidskin gloves, and silver cuff-links etched with strange symbols. I have a ring or a cane decorated with the head of a ram. I say little, but smile often. Now and then, I pull out a little silver hourglass from a chain around my neck and examine it, tapping my foot, my fingers, or my cane impatiently. I adopt a curious and subtle accent and ask him to appraise his immortal soul. I carry a sleek briefcase rigged to emit a bright light if I crack it open a hair. Optional: I carry a cube of sulfur in my pocket for the smell.

The Mulder: A proven classic. I periodically derail the conversation with crackpot conspiracy theories, the nature of reality, extraterrestrial intelligence, and ESP. May accuse your suitor of being a Reptilian, or demand that they feel the scar where I had an alien implant removed. Insist that we change tables because this one is bugged and we are under surveillance by the secret shadow government.    

The Fiance You Thought Was Lost at Sea: I burst through the door, dripping wet, with barnacle-encrusted clothing and a crab dangling from my ear lobe. I’ll smell of brine and have a haunted look in my eye. This will require some acting skills from you; you’ll need to throw yourself sobbing into my arms and cry, “I thought I’d lost you!” and I’ll hold you and mutter something about Davy Jones getting ahead of himself.  

Other: I am happy to work with you to develop a persona specific to your unique needs and preferences. 

Rates: Sliding scale, determined by me on a case-by-case basis. I want to make my services available to all who need them. Factors such as the relative heinousness of suitor is considered; affluent clients can generally expect to pay more as likelihood of physical or spiritual harm increases. For swanky dates in nice locations with minimal levels of danger, I typically ask only that you cover the cost of my meal, entrance fees, transportation, and other expenses.

IMPORTANT: Although I am prepared to deal with any number of eventualities, I am not a professional: bodyguard, assassin, exorcist, crocodile hunter, or escort. If you expect that any of these services will become necessary, I am happy to put you in touch with a specialist. ADDITIONALLY: If your suitor is non-human, please be upfront with this so that we can plan accordingly. We do not want a repeat of the events of Halloween 2012.

ADDENDUM 2014: I reserve the right to terminate our deal at any time. This is a exclusively a professional relationship, and any physical or romantic affection we may share may be considered performance and unrelated to my personal feelings. ADDENDUM 2015: If you are trying to orchestrate a set-up because you get off on watching your significant other jealously beat the crap out of perceived rivals, fuck you. Vengeance will be swift.

For your head canon collection Do you know how little kittens wriggle their ears when suckling? Goblins kits do the exact same thing when nursing. They usually grow out of it as they age, but Riz never ended up doing so, and his ears still twitch to this day when he is sucks on something like a straw. He is completely unaware of this. (it doesn't happen when he drinks from a regular cup, which is why he never really realised, because before the Bad Kids came into his life, he didn't exactly go on a lot of ice cream and milkshake hangouts.) The Bad Kids have made a pact to *never* tell him, because they are worried that the moment he finds out, he will stop doing it.

Its part of the reason they'll treat him to his super fancy iced coffees sometimes, even if they're trying their best to cut back on his caffeine consumption.

He just looks so HAPPY drinking his sugar loaded, orc sized tripple shot monstrosity, ears wiggling the whole time and purring like a chainsaw.

Fig has SO many covertly filmed videos of him doing it too.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Fandom: Dimension 20 (Web Series)

Relationships: The Bad Kids & Riz Gukgak, Riz Gukgak & Sklonda Gukgak

Characters: Riz Gukgak, Fabian Aramais Seacaster, Figueroth Faeth, Kristen Applebees, Gorgug Thistlespring, Adaine Abernant, Sklonda Gukgak

Additional Tags: Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Overworking, Sleep Deprivation, Caffeine Addiction, Texting, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Sleepovers, this is a vent fic in the sense that i had one (1) coherent emotional impulse today and then had a ten minute panic attack over it, Campaign 01: Fantasy High (Dimension 20), Post-Campaign 01 Season 02: Fantasy High Sophomore Year (Dimension 20), Self-Worth Issues, [slaps roof of riz gukgak] this bad boy can fit so much projection

Summary:

"and when i'm lying in my bed / i think about life and i think about death / and neither one particularly appeals to me / and if the day came when i felt a natural emotion / i'd get such a shock i'd probably lie / in the middle of the street and die" - the smiths, nowhere fast Riz Gukgak keeps himself busy enough that he doesn't have time for nuisances like emotions or stress. His heavy schedule sits like a weight on his shoulders, holding down depression and anxiety that threaten to bubble up at any moment. But slowly, imperceptibly slowly, and yet somehow all at once, he begins to fracture under the pressure.

word count: 2050

reblog to teleport your mutuals to a massive party when jkr dies

DC has to kill Jason in every universe because if they don’t him and Bruce just become too emotionally stable and powerful together and they solve all of Gotham’s problems before Jay even graduates high school. They kill him to keep the story going and this is the truth Batman personally told me so just now

❤️❤️❤️

…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

i just remembered a story my first plug told me. she's butch and gets mistaken for a man a lot. one time she was walking home when a guy pulled a knife on her and asked for everything in her pockets. panicking, she said "ok" and the guy hearing her voice was like "oh shit, are you a girl?" and she was like "yeah" and he put the knife away and said something like "sorry. i can't do this to a woman" and left. feminist ally.