TW Religious Stuff, Atheism, Unhinged Thoughts

TW religious stuff, atheism, unhinged thoughts

I am writing this at 3:30 am i have not slept

TL;DR: Aragorn is Jesus and i am religiously fucked (and also on the ace spectrum, so dont take it that way) (and this is also not about romantic feelings) 

Longer TL;DR: Aragorn fits the idea of Jesus and God that i was taught when i was a kid, and because i am losing my religion and belief he is very important to me. 

When you are a little kid in bible study, they tell you all about the Lord, and how merciful He is, and how grateful we should be for Him. They tell you about how He loves everyone, and how He forgives your sins. In your head, an image forms of a true Father, someone who is like a shield, someone who you can fall back on, your safety net. He doesn't show up. Of course he doesn't show up, it is supposed to be that way, he is not supposed to show up, not for you, but you will still sit in church and look up and in the back of your mind just hope for something, anything to happen to show you that the shield is really there. That the safety net is really there, because you are afraid of the fall but everybody says just don't look down, trust us that it is there, and everyone else is blindfolded but you are supposed to trust them. 

When you are a little kid in Gondor, the older men tell you about the King. How he is just, how he loves his people and how he will lead the race of men into glory. In your head, an image forms of a warrior, big and mighty, shining armour and white horse. Of a noble, head held high, who is far far away and unreachable, shining like a star to be admired. He doesn't show up either. For a long time he doesn't show up, and dozens of generations of kids grow with the image in their mind forming, then morphing into something bitter, like a broken promise. But then, then one day when everybody is ready to lose hope he shows up. He comes, riding in shining armour, head held high, like a distant star, leading legendary armies to battle and suddenly everyone understands because this is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, from the line of Isildur and you have the feeling to drop to your knees and pay your respects because this is not merely a diamond to be admired: this is a star shining so brightly like you have never seen before. This is your King. And he is out of your reach, because you are not even worthy of the touch of the light of this star but he looks you in the eyes and smiles, and suddenly the star is shining for you. 

It is hard enough to trust another person, so of course it is hard to trust someone who is above human by any means. To trust someone who might not even look at you, spare you a second of their time because you are a grain of sand and they are the wind, but sometimes, the wind is not fast and busy, sometimes the wind is slow and careful, and caring for all of the sand in the desert.