Things Found At Mar-a-Lago

Things found at Mar-a-Lago

An incomplete list of items found in the raid, in progress:

A list of all USA nuclear weapons facility locations

Detailed files of American troop movements and strategies, in envelopes with addresses in Russia, China, and North Korea

Codes to US Government vaults, safes, and Konami video games

D.B. Cooper’s parachute

5500 pages of tax evasion plans, bribes from Russia, and nudes of Barack Obama apparently taken from a White House shower

Empty moonshine bathtub gin bottles and dirt

Jimmy Hoffa (mummified)

Numerous DVDs of digital Trump self-insert My Little Pony hentai

300 lbs cocaine, 100 lbs heroin, 50 gallons of LSD, 8 bins of PCP, and some Ivermectin in an enema bulb

Numerous paintings stolen by Germany in WW2, including a room made of Russian amber and some Fabergé eggs (unhatched)

Several children with sales receipts from Jeffrey Epstein

A blu-ray copy of “The Cars that Ate Paris” by Peter Weir

A rotting bagel with olive loaf

One signed copy of “How To Violently Overthrow America When You Don’t Get Your Way” by William Luther Pierce

Bones of the Lindbergh baby

Several exhumed Popes, and half of a Bishop

A film reel of the pie-fight ending to Dr. Strangelove

A golden ‘Ark’ full of sand topped with two angels and a fedora

Genghis Khan (mummified)

A broken Swedish-made penis enlarger pump

One jar of toenails, one jar of hair, and one jar of what we all hope is mayonnaise

A postcard from a Bassetlaw Love Hotel signed, “Until next time, Milo Yiannopoulos XOXOXO”

A set of Trump-style toupées set on preserved human heads

Ben Shapiro (mummified)