Having Awful Gender Dysphoria, Like The Worst You’ve Ever Felt, And Not Being Able To Tell Your Boyfriend

It’s funny to imagine being Nale in the final moments of WaT. Like here you are about to imprint your morals on this suicidal man who your work friend has been grooming since he was 9 to replace your other work friend who is dead, & all you have left to do is kill this dude Kaladin stormface, who is supposed to be this amazing fighter… and this motherfucker pulls out a magic flute, & starts serenading your ass with the worst rendition of a nursery song you’ve ever heard in your life

& the worst part ?

it fucking works.

At the end of the day I know I would be happier if I was born a man. I wouldn’t identify the way I do now. I’d be comfortable in my own skin. But I’ll never know what that feels like and everyday feels like a fight. I won’t do anything about it though, I’m not strong enough.

I just wanna be pretty and girly but in the way a boy can be

they're done!! my dreams of stardew valley chicken socks have been fulfilled. what a time to be alive

Coming out to my boyfriend and friends went far better than expected and even if I’m not comfortable medically transitioning right now (Mainly due to financials/political environment/current career changes) it’s so nice to feel a little more comfortable at home.

Haley! I don’t play but my bsf loves her <3

Today I explained why I can't really travel to Florida right now to my dad & watching him get increasingly frustrated with the realization that Transphobia Exists was honestly something else.

him: "well if you're not allowed to use the men's bathroom, just go to the women's! that'll show them."

me: "yeah but I'm just as likely to have the cops called on me for 'using the wrong bathroom' in there. have you seen me lately?"

him: "but if one of the options is wrong and not allowed then the other one has to be the right option. what do they want you to do?"

my grandma, helpfully: "I think they want trans people to not go to Florida"

my dad: spluttering frustratedly

me: "I think the thing is that you are more logical and reasonable than Ron DeSantis."

the face of a semi-reformed(?) conservative when realizing with dawning horror that laws can be unfair on purpose is truly special tbh

- thinks I might be genderfluid in high school

- wears multiple sports bras at a time in an attempt to bind bc my chest bothers me so much

- gets laughed at when I tell my then boyfriend

- drops it for several years and becomes as girlie as possible

- comes out as enby at 23

- still experiencing awful gender dysphoria

- starts questioning if I’m trans

- spends hours every night explaining to myself why that can’t possibly be it and what would happen if I transitioned

- boyfriend makes jokes about how he knows I wish I had a p****

- is so incredibly dysphoric and stressed that others start to notice but there’s no one to talk to not really

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

possible upcoming thing