Shaking Myself (very Gently) . Being In Pain Takes A Lot Of Energy!!!!!! Being In Pain Is Exhausting!!!!!!!

Disabled trans guy escaping abuse

Hi friends! I'll try to keep this short (long version under the cut), but I need help. I may be getting into a housing program soon, made the mistake of telling my parents, and today they've been manipulating me trying to get me to stay. There's a long history of abuse, neglect, transphobia, and ableism - mainly on my dad's part.

I have $24 in my bank account. I can't drive, can't work, and am severely disabled. My mom wants me to make her and my father into healthcare proxies. When I was younger, my dad threatened me with institutionalization and conservatorship. I'm scared for my safety.

I just need some help. I'll apply for assistance when I qualify. I'm gonna need an emotional support animal. I don't know if I'll get the apt yet but see the cut for an explanation.

Venmo: julesfairy

I don't know what goal to set so I'll update this post when I can. Reblogs help a lot, if anything for knowing I'm not alone.

Long version: I'm 23, mentally ill/disabled, have no income, $24 in my bank account, live with my abusive father, and my parents refuse to call me my name/pronouns/etc. I also just left a cult-like group and found out I have a shit ton of nerve damage all over my body. So I'm having a time!

Anyway. I mistakenly told them that I've applied for a housing program and may be getting into a 1 bedroom apartment. They do not want me to leave, and today lovebombed, gaslit, and otherwise manipulated me into staying.

WHY I'M MAKING THIS POST NOW:

They know I'm meeting with the case worker tomorrow.

I don't know how they're going to react once they realize I'm going through with this. I'm worried about my father's reaction specifically - In the past, he's threatened to kick me out, kill himself, throw me in the psych ward, or put me under conservatorship. My mom just told me she wants me to make her and my father my healthcare proxy.

If I get this apartment, I'm going to apply for SNAP and Temporary Assistance as soon as I qualify, and rely on food banks. But if anyone can spare some cash, that'd help a lot too. I just need some help, I'm desperate. I don't know if I can take another failed escape.

sometimes I’m hardcore and numb and can deal with being in pain for the rest of my life and other times I cry at just a slight thought in that direction and I wish I could be strong all of the time for everyone around me but sometimes I’m just REALLY really overwhelmed by the moment I’m experiencing and that is compounded a million times over by the fact that this is the rest of my life 

I've been considering shaving my head because of the pain. It's still constant and my hair makes it worse. Is it stupid? Will I regret it? Will I feel like I'm "giving in" to the pain? Does that even make sense? I'm tired of feeling like I have no control over the pain. And this feels like a way I can maybe at least not hurt myself more and gain a little control back? I don't know. I'm tired

Greece by Dimitris Tamvakos

I love spoon theory bc you can literally explain it exactly the same way it was originally explained, with actual spoons.

But also I feel like the failing phone battery is more accurate lately.

Like, you charge it all night, but it only slow charges. It never gets to full battery anymore.

When it says full battery, it doesn't mean the same as everyone else's, because it'll be gone twice as fast.

You have to limit your app usage bc of the battery drain, and even when you aren't doing anything the percentage is slowly going down.

Keeping it plugged in full time to charge means you can use your apps longer, but since it's slow charging it'll eventually reach 0 even when plugged in.

Keeping it plugged in full time also means the battery gets reliant on being constantly plugged in.

Actual percentages are a lie.

That shit will turn off with 5-10% battery still showing and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's crazy how you have to choose to be different and then once you do it's not even over - you have to choose it again and again forever and yes one day it will feel so natural you don't even notice it anymore but there is no short cut to there, just willpower and repetition

I've used a wheelchair for about a week now and I was soo nervous about it. But it's honestly been great, despite the minor accidents. I've gotten both thumbs stuck between the tire and the fender sideguard.. and I've tipped backwards onto the ground. But the worst part about that was that my open drink spilled everywhere:(

It feels easy, natural, amazing to just be able to move so freely with a lot less pain than before. I'm gonna be really sad, when I have to give it back.

First day of med school some of the older students "dress up" as and pretend to be first years. I spotted four of them within 15 minutes and one of them was in a wheelchair with a leg and an arm in casts and a neck collar on. So basically, he was pretending to be disabled. And most of us knew that he was a fake first year and I overheard people joking about pushing him out of his wheelchair to prove he was faking it. I don't understand how a group of future doctors sat around a table and decided it was a good idea to have a fake disabled person there. It just perfectly sums up the attitude of most doctors.