Eumimii - ⛧

I need to do this too lol

Gokurakugai by Yuto Sano – Chapter 19 ⦿ Let’s Make a Suicide Pact

My dream for this year is to be dead……I don’t care how, just dead

Literally me

It was so nostalgic

dey r eachother company

comes a full circle

These details are so beautiful

I love these details that honey-with-pancake

This is the most I’ve ever talked about a new chapter. Guess I’ve been ‘starved’ for too long lol.

So I have read an amazing and really interesting analysis from @yoma.pudu on IG that I eagerly wanna share. I would paraphrase it and add some of my own thoughts in.

They say that Mo is a person who prefers being alone and independent, but now he has made a change by accepting moving in invitation of He Tian. And when he pauses when he notices his dirty sneakers. That pause is not only out of respect for Tian’s clean space, but also because he still feels out of place, like he doesn’t quite ‘fit in’ where he is.

However, instead of backing down, he just brushes off the dirt he brought in from outside so he can continue. I think it reflects Old Xian’s intention of showing that Mo has become ‘better’ as he has promised to He Tian, although he’s still unable to overcome his insecurities. But now, Mo no longer evades the issues and let them hold him back from pursuing his desires, which clearly is being with He Tian, just as the dirty shoes no longer stop him from stepping inside. He just removes the obstacles and gets rid of the issues to move forward. Because after all the separations and reunions, he realizes that if he doesn’t seize the opportunity and be honest with himself out of fear, he will miss out on He Tian once again, and this time, it might be for a lifetime. Perhaps the fear of being apart had become so unbearable and overwhelming, it overshadows Mo’s insecurities and self-doubt, and the thought hurts so much, just thinking how Mo had to endure it the whole time period when he had to start growing up by himself and facing this world on his own without He Tian’s company 🥹

And Yoma says that when Mo asks He Tian for slippers and explains why he hesitates to step inside, he indirectly acknowledges that he intends to stay. There’s no ‘no’ or any directed rejection. It’s just a need to adapt, to belong without imposing.

For He Tian, he understands what Mo’s thinking without the need for words, and he doesn’t care if the sneakers are dirty, because the only thing that matters, the most important thing, is that Mo has decided to be with him. It has always been his longing dream for Mo to open up to him, and now, the reality exceeds everything he ever longed for. So without hesitation, he straightforwardly expresses that Mo belongs here, with him, in ‘their home’, unconditionally.

I really wanna say thank to @yoma.pudu because their analysis is so heart touching and satisfying 🥹 I hope you guys enjoy reading this. I promise this would be my last yap on this chapter 🤣

I'm afraid of falling in love only at 40. If that's the case, then so be it, just like them:

Hyeonseon //♡// Yeoreum

BROOOO😩❤️‍🩹

IM DROOLING

I cried😭

Ok, listen, LISTEN

He Tian is a really complex character. He's been trying to escape the darkness that his family is involved in his whole life. But at the same time, he very clearly thinks he inherently has that "evilness" inside of him. (it's the simbolysim behind his "fear of the dark" and the reason he lists Mo not being afraid of the dark as one of the reasons he (ht) likes him)

And then, THEN, Mo guan shan shows up, and not only he sees that darkness and doesn't back down in front of it, but he also starts to care for Ht despite it being there.

So the thing that starts growing inside He Tian is the fear that this one person, this one boy who doesn't pull him deeper into the darkness (like his family (sorry He cheng i love you ) bringing him into the business) and KNOWS him as more then just that, will forget him.

That this side of him, that can be good and loved without ties of debt, will disappear alongside Mo's memory.

Then She Li shows up. He tian sees with his own eyes that he cannot protect his loved one without that darkness, and above all he can't freely protect him if that darkness isn't entirely his. This time when She Li attacked Mo he had to bargain for power with his brother to take SL down, so he faces the fact that he needs power and influence to keep Mo safe.

So there comes the sacrifice, he'll go away if he can save Mo. And while away, he'll conquer whatever he needs to make sure Mo never struggles again, so he will never need to leave again.

BUT here's the thing. Mo doesn't know all that, he only knows what HT has told him, Mo knows He Tian only ever expressed fear when 1 - Mo was in danger, 2 - When faced with the idea of being forgotten.

And after months of being loved, reassured, and having HT promise to give him the future of his dreams, months of letting He Tian in, he just disappears one day.

And suddenly Mo is in the position of being "left behind", forgotten.

So when HT comes back, this smug fucker who hurt him that bad, acting like nothing ever happened, Mo wants to pretend it doesn't matter. That he wasn't "the dumbass who got left behind", that it never hurt enough to still matter, years later.

And he also wants it to hurt He Tian back. So he says this.

He says it knowing it will hurt. If he could be left behind by Ht, he wanted he tian to be hurt by the fact that Mo could also forget him. And it does hurt, you can see it in HT's face, in the fact he has to turn it away.

But Mo does care for He Tian, we all know this. So as soon as he sees the result, Ht's hurt expression, the words "you're so cruel", as soon as he sees it actually hurt, he gets hurt as well. He feels the conflict that this situation would bring, the feeling of resenting someone you love, or/and hurting someone you love.

And finally, He tian can't stand it, he can't leave, can't let himself be forgotten by this precious person. So he goes back, he insists on "if you don't remember me ill stay until you do". It's a desperate need, a deep fear.

OX has always told their story in very subtle ways, the plot is always very spread out, and you have to pay attention to the words and details they put in the story. It's as frustrating as it is fun to read it lol, he tian going back and seeing Mo naked is a fun joke, but I do also think it's something that keeps his characterization and does somewhat progress the plot.

TLDR: Mo pushed ht away because he wanted to hurt him for leaving (and he knew how to really hurt him), but also got hurt/felt guilty for hurting someone he loves. Ht came back during the shower because he's scared to let Mo forget about him.

Dream💯

A First of Summers by Ppanghouse