I Really, Really Dislike The Narrative That Surrounds Romantic Relationships That If You Don’t Want

I really, really dislike the narrative that surrounds romantic relationships that if you don’t want to spend 100% of your time together, you’re not in a healthy relationship. And I don’t mean “ugh I can’t stand them right now” or the whole “wimmin, amirite? Can’t live with ‘em, but still expect them to clean up after me” heteronormative, hateful bullshit. I mean the fact that romantic ideals have been elevated to such unhealthy peaks of unrealisticness, that even wanting time and space to yourself is considered abnormal.

Like some of the things people are describing when it comes to their “ideal” relationship? Honestly just reminds me of the codependency worksheet my therapist made me fill out, and I ought to know because I’m extremely dependant on my partner to stay alive. Granted, my situation is a little different from people who aren’t disabled or chronically ill. But this still doesn’t change who we are as people, even if it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.

But we’re still emotionally very independent people, and like doing things on our own. We always have, even before my health issues, we had our own friends. We loved wandering off and doing stuff on our own pre-Corona. And even now we still like having some downtime apart, even if it just means he’s watching TV in the other room, and I’m on the computer talking to all y’all. That downtime doesn’t mean we’re dysfunctional or dealing with unresolved resentment with each other, it just means we don’t feel the need for constant physical proximity to feel close. We’re still getting our needs met, we’re still happy. And yet some people would say that because we don’t feel the need to do everything together at every minute of the day, we must secretly be unhappy. Why? Why are some of you so dysfunctional you can’t spend any time apart? (See how not nice it is for someone to say something like that?)

And also, while I’m at it, erase the idea that you’re so in love with someone you will never be mad at them because that’s also not healthy or realistic. There will be times your partner will irk you. There may even be times that they outright piss you off or vice versa. What matters is how you handle those moments and work through them together. And if you’re continually framing your relationship in terms of “we’re so in love we’ll never be angry at each other, so I don’t even have to think about it,” you’re not preparing yourself to deal with real and very valid emotions that are part of the human social experience. You can be the most in love, most in tune, best-matched couple ever, and still find yourself annoyed by something. And it’s the people who break up who either don’t know how to deal with this, or just plain won’t because it breaks their internal narrative of True Love™ overcoming all, not realizing that love is both a feeling and a choice, and sometimes you gotta choose to work at it.

And this applies to queer relationships as well. All too often, I see people saying, “we’re queer, so this will never be an issue” when what you really mean to say is, “we’re queer, so these particular problems that are prevalent in heteronormative relationships will not affect us in that way.”

But that does not mean you will never come across a problem that does put a strain on your relationship. Like, say, a fucking global pandemic that locks most people in their homes for a fourth, fifth month in a row with no other means of socialization or stimulation.

Or one of you getting sick and suddenly requiring constant care…

And that shit ain’t easy regardless of who you love. Being a caretaker is emotionally and physically draining, and I could write for hours about why there need to be better support systems in place for the caretaker spouses of chronically and terminally ill/disabled partners and how they often become chronically ill themselves. (I was a caretaker myself from the age of 9 onwards. I know this shit isn’t easy. It’s why I made ETD go to therapy when we realized I would need him to take care of me if we wanted to keep me alive.) But that’s another topic for another post.

Like, honestly, maybe it’s me. Perhaps it’s my experiences and how I view love and relationships, but the whole idea of “I don’t need to take time for myself I’m in a loving relationship!” is just… not good. Everyone needs their own space sometimes and demonizing that as unhealthy is, well, not healthy.

Humans are human, we’re social creatures for the most part. But sometimes you just gotta go off by yourself into the metaphorical woods of the psyche and spend some time being comfortable with yourself. And if you can’t do that without feeling like your relationship is in trouble, well, maybe you ought to evaluate why.

"why do fangirls always make them gay?"

THIS » “ ladies telling ladies that they’re allowed is a powerful thing.”

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etoyra

5 years ago

Urgent US Politics Alert: 09/24/2019

FELLOW USIANS:

You may have heard that a whistleblower put themselves at great risk to inform Congress that Trump has, once again, attempted to get a foreign government to interfere in our elections. The foreign government in question, the Ukraine, was very alarmed by this and notified Congress as well. Trump has also admitted to it. The question is not Did he do it? The question is, What consequences will he face for treason?

For SOME REASON, our congressional leaders have been letting him get away with this bullshit – up to and including yesterday’s announcement that they are violating our free press state by no longer holding White House Press Briefings. We are in a critical moment where our democracy has never been at greater risk or under greater attack. I don’t mean to be alarmist or sensationalist, but you guys, we are well past wondering whether he is a danger to our country. Pelosi has been arguing that his crimes should be addressed via re-election, but his crimes compromise the freedom and integrity of our elections! HE MUST BE IMPEACHED.

The House of Representatives – ie, the body of Congress that has to move to start impeachment hearings – is caucusing THIS AFTERNOON to decide whether (!!!!!!) they will move forward with impeachment.

PLEASE CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES AND TELL THEM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS THAT IMPEACHMENT *MUST* BE MOVED ON. If there are no consequences for his actions, then what is even the point of a system that says no one is above the law?

Call 202-224-3121 to be connected to the House switchboard, who will then connect you to your representatives– or Google who your rep is and call them directly. DO IT NOW. TODAY. THIS MINUTE.

ETA: The vote is at 4:00pm Eastern.

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etoyra

5 years ago

Tip:

When it comes to stuff like racism, sexism, homophobia, etc, I’ve found it’s usually way better to think to yourself ‘I don’t want to be’ than ‘I’m not’.

I.e. if someone goes ‘that thing you just did is ableist’, instead of going ‘I’m not ableist, I don’t hate disabled people!’ it’s usually a lot better to go ‘I don’t want to be ableist, I should rethink what I’m doing/saying/etc in light of that fact’. Because that shifts your thinking so rather than jumping straight into denial and attempts to defend your character, you’re instead more inclined to look at how your actions could be misrepresenting your intentions. Or whether you’ve overlooked something, been callous, or acted in ignorance.

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etoyra

5 years ago

your first and most pressing concern should be for the safety of black people. it should be for justice. it should be in making this not just a moment but a reshaping of cultural bias.

this is not a fun little game for you to trot around flipping off cops and making light of a situation you were never effected by. it is not your chance to have a little bit of adventure in the middle of a quarantine. i am speaking as an author and i am telling you to stop fucking making this about katniss or harry potter or whatever - you can be shaped by media, sure, but this is not and has never been about you roleplaying your favorite action heroes. this is not another “disaster of 2020″. this is not a quirky instagram post, it’s not a chance for you to meet up with your friends, it’s not a tactic to get your tiktok trending.

this is about racial injustice. this is about the entire system that is built on that injustice and grows fat on that injustice. don’t get distracted. the police force is not the only systemically racist organization.

black lives matter. and we do not stop until every organization recognizes that and actually acts on it.

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etoyra

5 years ago

With the Ansel Elgort situation going on, I just want to remind you all of this: DO NOT. IDOLIZE. CELEBRITIES. Yes, you can be fans of their work. You can admire how they give back and/or support good causes. There's nothing wrong with that. But to put them on a pedestal, see them as a "God", "Flawless", or "perfect" is truly stretching it. You never know how they behave behind the scenes, and most importantly, you don't even know them personally. So, when a certain celeb does something really screwed up that no one should ever condone (r*pe/s*xually assault, say slurs, etc.) what are you going to do then?

Celebs are not worthy of praise unless it's for their work. And they are not Gods. They are just regular people who are just more recognizable to the public.

So, if your fave has done problematic things, you need to rethink how you see them. If they've done inexcusable things like Ansel did, then you need to find someone different to be a fan of. If they made a mistake years ago and it just came back into light, don't go "so-and-so is over party". That's just childish. If they acknowledge their past mistakes and apologize for it, forgive them, but don't put them on a pedestal. Because like I said earlier, celebrities are human beings, and as humans, we're not perfect. You, the person reading this, aren't perfect either. So don't think big name stars are no different.

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etoyra

6 years ago

This whole “Salazar Slytherin wasn’t REALLY a bigot” post going around is like…very reaching, but okay, if you really want to defend the dude so badly. The dude who put a giant-ass killing snake in a school. which he definitely did, Voldemort would not have been able to raise a Basilisk in a few years.

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etoyra

5 years ago

No Wonder Meghan Markle Wants To Leave UK

No wonder Meghan Markle wants to leave UK

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etoyra

4 years ago

GIVE TO THE BLACK BANJO RECLAMATION PROJECT

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etoyra

6 years ago

#PrisonStrike

I’ve seen almost nothing on my dashboard about the prison strike so far, so I thought I’d make a post about it.

On August 21st, prisoners throughout 17 states began a prison strike, after a riot in Lee Correctional Institute in South Carolina. The strike is supposed to last until September 9th. The strikers issued ten demands:

Immediate improvements to the conditions of prisons and prison policies that recognize the humanity of imprisoned men and women.

An immediate end to prison slavery. All persons imprisoned in any place of detention under United States jurisdiction must be paid the prevailing wage in their state or territory for their labor.

The Prison Litigation Reform Act must be rescinded, allowing imprisoned humans a proper channel to address grievances and violations of their rights.

The Truth in Sentencing Act and the Sentencing Reform Act must be rescinded so that imprisoned humans have a possibility of rehabilitation and parole. No human shall be sentenced to Death by Incarceration or serve any sentence without the possibility of parole.

An immediate end to the racial overcharging, over-sentencing, and parole denials of Black and brown humans. Black humans shall no longer be denied parole because the victim of the crime was white, which is a particular problem in southern states.

An immediate end to racist gang enhancement laws targeting Black and brown humans.

No imprisoned human shall be denied access to rehabilitation programs at their place of detention because of their label as a violent offender.

State prisons must be funded specifically to offer more rehabilitation services.

Pell grants must be reinstated in all US states and territories.

The voting rights of all confined citizens serving prison sentences, pretrial detainees, and so-called “ex-felons” must be counted. Representation is demanded. All voices count.

Corporations like Whole Foods, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Walmart, Starbucks, and more have used prison slave labor, where prisoners are paid $1.00 a day to make millions for bosses. In a country where slavery is abolished in name only, where we imprison more people than any other country, and where the majority of inmates (despite a recent decline) remain people of color, it’s important for outsiders to assist any way we can.

If you want information about the strike, as well as actions you can take, check out It’s Going Down. The Incarcerated Workers Organizing Committee is also posting updates on Twitter.