Ivan Solyaev

tenderness

⋆˚࿔ visual diary

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read my thoughts below

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16.06.25 | 3:11 AM

⋆˚࿔ in fact, in the last few months, despite a bunch of good things that happened to me, I felt pretty bad, constantly reflected on my past, blamed myself very much for many things, was furious, apathetic, and sad a lot, was nervous a lot. completely stressed out tbh.

recently I realized how much I was traumatized by some of the events that happened to me not in childhood, but relatively recently over the past 2-3 years. pretty much after the war in my homeland started. I realized that social isolation for 1.5 completely fucked up my social skills, and that led to uncomfortable meltdowns, constant social anxiety, fear of being noticed, not seeing myself as an adult and always feeling like I’m not “developed” enough for this world. it also was in a period of time when I had to detransition so it just adds insult to injury.

my experience of social isolation in 2022-2023 and identity crisis was terrifying, but still gave me a lot of good skills, for example seeing beauty & happiness in simple things, enjoying my own company.

I noticed how much my physical health deteriorated due to constant stress. It’s as if I only now realized all the damage that events and people in the past did to me.

but it was so pleasant and unbelievable to find out that I’m constantly fighting it. I’m always evolving, getting better, trying to understand myself and help myself. I had and still have so many shit to deal with, and I’m still somehow able to work it out. Even when I do mistakes, go trough pain, feel anger, fear, I still survive and it gets better.

I’m so happy to being able to grow and heal together with my beloved boyfriend, that just another human as me, with his own fears, his past, his problems. I’m happy to have this opportunity to grow and heal together, and not just waiting to make myself “the best version of myself” sitting all alone trying not to let other people too close to me, but to share my experience, free my thoughts , talk about my worries, experiencing full spectrum of emotions with a person who loves learning about me, and love loving me.

a love letter to myself & my future husband

I thank myself for my strength and vulnerability

I thank you for the same things

🤲🏻 🤍

perfume idea №1

«milk bath»