Erinallene - 1982 Baby

No one can compare to you.

Chris Evans as Frank Adler in Gifted (2017)

      𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘; 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚊𝚢, 𝚊𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚕 𝟷𝟸𝚝𝚑

  ✧ summary ─ bucky has finally found a family that he deserved so much, and he is not letting it go any time soon. 

  ✧ pairing ─ tfatws!bucky barnes x reader

  ✧ warnings ─ softness, fluff, so much fluff, kissing, pet names, veery light angst, found family <3, happy ending, alpine and amber are the cutest, bucky deserves everything, FLUFF, oh bucky being the asshole that he is btw lol

  ✧ a/n ─ ‘TIS THE FINAL PART. i can’t believe this is the last part *cries ugly*. thank you all so much for being here with me on his journey. thank you for cheering, getting horny and angry with me while this series updated throughout the months. thank you all so much for your nice comments and asks about this series. i really hope you like the ending and that i did justice to bucky. thank you <3

series masterlist ─ previous part

It was almost a month later when Bucky told you that he wanted to take you to Louisiana. You were there when Sam told him to bring you around for the cookout, but you didn’t expect Bucky to take him up on that offer this quickly. You knew that he was protective over this little family you have created together, that he wasn’t ready to share it with the world yet, so it came as a surprise when he told you about it post-coital, laying in the bed all naked.

Keep reading

love is a game by adele - for the song drabble!

Moving On

Word Count: 530

Warnings: None, some angst.

Frank x Female Reader / Special Guest

The sun shines through the blinds, casting a warmth that this apartment hasn’t seen in months. You know it’s time to go, your tears no longer worth shedding over a man who won’t commit, let alone communicate. There’s a weight off your shoulders that feels oddly freeing. You thought that you would sadder than this, to leave this place that you once called a home with a man who you thought would want to see this through.

Life has a weird way of making you realize that what you thought you wanted at a point in your life is now a lesson, one that hurt, that challenged you, broke you and ultimately left you being reintroduced to part of yourself that you thought you had lost. She was always there, just hiding in the misery that Frank had managed to pile on during your relationship. What could be said for the boxes that line the hallways? The dishes that you bought, the coffee cups carefully wrapped – and you have so many because you thought you’d spend your mornings on the balcony, drinking coffee with the love of your life. You’ll use every single of them one day. You know this. For now, they are securely in a box, waiting to be whisked away to your new apartment.

It's like a checklist now, moving through the apartment as you mentally tick off everything you’ve packed or given away to charity. You’ve thrown away the pictures of you two together, unceremoniously placed in the trash as a symbolic gesture of how quickly things went wrong. You aren’t upset anymore and you don’t wish to be. There’s no numbness, no wishing that things could go back to the way they were.

You know now that you deserve better.

That alone keeps the momentum up to finish packing, the doorbell ringing to signal that the movers are here. Where Frank has gone, you have no idea. Somewhere up in Northern California most likely, hanging out with his friends who probably told him it was a good idea to get away from you because this last fight, the one where you looked him in the eye and told him you were unhappy, only seemed to make him disinterested in continuing the conversation.

As the movers come, you survey the place, looking at the note that is placed on the counter. It’s a quick goodbye, your portion of the rent already in his bank account in case he thinks you’re skipping out.

Before long, the truck is packed up and heading to your new place as you follow behind.

It doesn’t take long for you to get there, looking up at the brownstone building with a sense of hope and peace of mind before a man walks past. You almost do a double take at the sight of him. He looks so much like Frank that you aren’t sure if you’re seeing things, the man stopping at the sight of the moving truck.

“New here?” he asks with a kind smile.

“Yeah,” you answer.

“Always good to have new people around. I’m Bucky,” he introduces, holding out his hand as you shake it. “Hope to see you around.”

Did it Ever Really Matter? (3/?)

Pairings: collegehockeyplayer!Ari Levinson x female reader (Levs x itty bitty)

Warnings: ANGST- so much angst (I’m sorry!), explicit language, mean girls, feelings of low self esteem, broken heart, mention of physical violence (female against male), Cappy being an ass, flashback scenes (must be 18+)

Word Count: 2.6K

A/N: angst was not my intent for these two- well not this much angst. I’m sorry!

This is not beta read. All mistakes are my own.

Levs x itty bitty: hockey AU

Lucky Charms: hockey AU

"Yeah, I kinda just snapped" you grimaced before taking the to-go cup from the barista and nodding a thank you, "I just..." you blew out a heavy exhale.

"Well you are my new favorite person and I'm just sorry I missed it" bug beamed from ear-to-ear, "it's about time somebody gave that doofus a black eye," she almost looked giddy as she accepted her drink before stepping away from the coffee cart in the direction of the arena.

"I've never punched anyone before... well... other than Levs and it was always playful and he's a brick house" you smiled, gaze dropping to the ground as you felt your cheeks heat.

"Um... right?" Bug giggled, I thought Barnesy was a beefcake... but Levs? Holy hell. What's that like?" She raised her eyebrow suggestively.

"I wouldn't know" you sighed, shoulders slumping a little as you took a sip of the coffee bug offered to buy you after finding out about your tipsy tussle with the hockey captain.

"What?" bug stopped dead in her tracks as she arm barred you, "I thought you and Ari were... dating?"

"No" you felt a lump building in your throat, "we... I don't really know what we are... we've been friends forever and we made this stupid deal to take it a step further... to... you know... when he scores on the ice. But he hasn't since... and Cappy thinks it's my fault."

"What?" bug made a face, "oh, that fucking meatball..." she grumbled to herself, shaking her head.

"Ari's just so superstitious and I..." your voice cracked with emotion.

"Hey... no... y/n... stop!" bug said, pulling you in for an awkward side hug, "I know we haven't known each other long, but even I can tell how head-over-heels that slab of beef is for you. And he actually seems like one of the good ones."

"I guess" you sniffled as you continued on towards the arena.

"Oh... before I forget" bug reached into her bag, pulling out a folded up t-shirt, "it's to promote the adoption drive and the calendar... it has Lev's number on the back… he already paid for it… he wants you wearing his number, that’s gotta say something…” she wagged her eyebrows at you and you took it, rolling your eyes with a warm laugh.

“So… you wearing Cappy’s?” you asked bug.

“Not exactly” she smirked, holding open her coat to reveal the “Team Cappy Team Literally Anyone Else” shirt she was wearing.

“Oh my god” you snorted, shaking your coffee a little too hard as it spilled over the rim, “that’s amazing! Did you have that made?” you asked, sipping the spilled coffee off the lid.

“No” bug tried biting back her smile, “Crappy had it made for me.”

“You like him” you smiled softly at your new friend.

“I’m really trying not to…” bug frowned, apologetically.

“Don’t” you reassured her, “he’s actually a good guy… or he used to be at least.”

“I don’t know” bug shook her head, taking another sip of her coffee.

“I think you’re good for him” you offered, “maybe he’ll stop being such an ass with you…”

“Well if he’s an ass again you have my full support in giving him another black eye” bug giggled as she nudged you with her shoulder.

"Thanks” you smirked with a playful eye roll, “when is the calendar shoot, anyway?" you asked nodding to the adoption drive t-shirt in your hand.

"Next week" bug sighed, "and everything has to go just right... we won't have enough time to redo any shots before the photos have to go to the printer..."

"I'm sure it will be fine" you smiled, "do you need any help?"

"Thank you" bug smiled at you, "I think we’re OK... clover will be there and the photographer has 2 assistants that are amazing... Cappy said he would be on his best behavior and the rest of the guys are being surprisingly cooperative."

"Even Shea and Storm?" you couldn't believe it.

"Even Shea and Storm" bug smirked.

"How?" you wanted to know what sorcery bug held over these guys.

"Told them they'd get to see boobs" bug laughed.

"You're showing them your boobs?" you snorted with laughter.

"Hell no!" bug laughed, "I'm going to have Cappy do it... he's got a good set of man boobs..."

You shook your head laughing as you pushed the door to the arena open.

"I gotta go find Levs" you told bug, "save me a seat?"

"Sure" bug smiled, waving as she turned in the direction of the stands.

"Hey, bit" Levs called out as he hockey stopped in front of the boards, taking his helmet off and ducking to press a soft kiss to your forehead.

"How's your hand, slugger?" he teased. You brought your hand up with a cringe, the small knuckles littered with bruises from last night.

"I... I'm sorry" you couldn't meet his gaze, totally mortified, "he just... god... he's such a fucking asshole, ya know?"

"Trust me... I know" Ari's exhale was heavy as he gently took your hand, bringing it to his mouth and ghosting his lips over the knuckles with soft kisses.

"How ya feeling?" you asked, changing the subject as you tugged your hand away, still embarrassed at last night’s outburst as a kaleidoscope of butterflies bloomed in your belly.

Another 3 games had passed leaving Ari scoreless and cranky.

"Good... I think" he shrugged just as a puck banked off the boards and slide in his direction. Levs turned and lobbed the puck back towards the net- missing by several inches.

"He was making 'em before you showed up" number seven said, sporting a dark shiner.

"Fuck off, Crappy" you grumbled.

"Yeah... whatcha gonna do? Give me another black eye?" Cappy snorted.

“You see bug’s shirt yet?” you goaded.

Steve narrowed his eyes at you before he turned in the direction of student seating- scanning the stands for bug.

"Enough, Cap" Ari warned as Cappy shook his head, skating away.

"Don't let him get to you" Ari said, turning back to you with a smile. But you’ve known Levs long enough to know that the smile was forced. Ari was in his head and Crappy was making it worse.

"But what if he's right?" your voice cracked with emotion.

Levs shook his head, putting his helmet back on and skating towards the goal. He whistled to Barnesy, signaling for a puck and Bucky shot one to him.

Levs turned back, making sure you were watching as he angled his stick back, a slap shot cracking over the ice when the puck sailed towards the empty warm up net. The puck pinged off the post and missed.

Your eyes prickled as you watched Ari miss two more times. Blinking back the tears you left without saying goodbye- trying to make your way to the bathroom before you burst out in tears.

You stood sniffling in a stall when you heard them. Straining to listen as your heart hammered in your chest.

"I knew it... the entire time" Kimmy insisted. You could see her through the crack in the stall, she was leaning into the mirror while putting on lipgloss.

"You think they were fucking the whole time?" another girl asked.

"Oh, I know they were" Kimmy scoffed.

Wrong.

"What a slut" her friend said, "she probably fucks the whole team..."

Wrong. They were all wrong. You hadn't slept with anyone on the team. Not even Ari.

"Well... take him back" another friend said, "he wasn't hers to begin with... and besides you're hotter."

A fresh wave of tears spilled as the mean girls cackled, leaving the bathroom and no doubt going to find Ari.

You pulled another handful of tissue from the toilet paper roll, feeling sick to your stomach and utterly sorry for yourself. You should just leave. How stupid could you be... if Levs hadn't scored yet did he actually really want to?

And what had Crappy say last night?

"You took one of the top scorers on the team and nutured him. Give him his balls back, tt!"

That's when you punched the smirk right off his stupid face.

What did Steve Rogers know? You mattered. Levs told you so himself.

After taking a few more minutes to compose yourself, you sucked it up and made you way back towards the ice- knowing that Ari would want your usual send off for good luck.

You stopped dead in your tracks when you saw him skating around carefree on the ice as Kimmy and her friends cheered him on. Ari came to a stop in front of Kimmy as she reached out grabby hands and he dropped a puck to her.

You rolled your eyes when she kissed it for good luck and tossed it back on the ice. Your chest tightened as you watched Ari reach out with his stick and take the puck.

You silently chastised yourself for hoping he'd miss as he lined the shot up, his stick cracking over the puck as it zipped across the ice- practically burning a hole through the net.

"Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaal" Cappy cheered obnoxiously as Kimmy and her friends bounced and clapped. Steve hooked the puck from the net and shot it back to Ari, he moved to shoot it again before Kimmy said something. Ari hesitated for a moment before picking it back up and handing it to her.

You couldn't hear what Kimmy was saying but saw the way her friends giggled as Ari leaned in, Kimmy holding the puck up to his lips before pulling it away and pressing a kiss to his mouth at the last second.

Your heart sank, the instant bitter taste of bile rising up your throat as you blinked back a fresh wave of tears.

Ari pulled away instantly, frowning at Kimmy as he spoke until his gaze caught yours standing about 6 feet behind them.

The shirt with Ari's number for the adoption drive fell from your hand as tears streamed freely down your face. Shaking your head at him, it was as if you were having a silent conversation, Ari's expression looked pained- his eyes pleading as you shook your head, turning on your heels and walking away.

"Bit... don't" you heard him call as you weaved through the packed arena, fans filling the stands for the game.

The lump in your throat burned as you wiped your tears with the sleeve of Ari's oversized hoodie, hurrying towards the front door as you tried like hell to hold it together.

"Bit....stop!" you heard Ari's voice boom down the long hallway, pausing only briefly you saw the giant, lumbering after you, still on his skates, as the crowd of people parted like the Red Sea for him.

You chirped, turning back around and pushing your way through the swarm of fans with more urgency. You couldn't do this anymore. Not while your heart was breaking.

"Bit.... Fuck! Y/N... stop... please" his voice was fading into the noise of the arena the more distance you put between you.

No doubt Ari was getting swarmed by now. Always a fan favorite and for once it was working in your favor.

You made it to the door, gripping the handle and letting out a trembling breath you didn't even realize you were holding. Your lungs burned, chest ached and you knew you shouldn't but you turned back for one last look.

You couldn't help smiling as the sob choked up your throat. Ari, surrounded by a sea of his young fans. A gentle giant, still trying to push through the throng of people as he looked up, locking eyes with you where you stood, hesitating at the entrance.

"Please" he mouthed, still about 20 feet away from you, even from this distance you could tell his eyes were watery and it made you want to run to him. Want to make it all better.

"I'm sorry" you murmured, pushing the door open and slipping though without looking back. The door slammed shut behind you with a finality you weren't ready for, but even then, you wouldn't let yourself turn back.

You walked across campus, trying to steady your breathing, at least until you made it to your car- parked in the big lot across campus.

You half expected him to come chasing after you. If you were being honest- you wanted him to chase after you. But it was time. This will-they, won't-they over the past 2 years was slowly eating you alive. It wasn't good for either of you.

You had been right there all along and he never made it happen. He never sealed the deal. And you had tried. You told him what you wanted the end of your sophomore year.

He had said it mattered. It was supposed to matter.

A sob bubbled up your throat, painful and hot as tears blurred your vision. You were about 10 minutes from your car. Damn this large campus.

When Ari left for summer break you lasted a week. One agonizing week without him. You decided you were going to go- surprise him in Canada. He had always said he wanted to take you- wanted you to meet his Mom and the small town he grew up in. He wanted to show you the lake where he learned how to skate and where his junior team won their first championship.

But the night before you were set to leave, you saw it. A seven second video, playing on a loop. You probably watched it 20 times.

Ari with his on-again-off-again high school sweetheart- kissing outside a bar.

She posted it. Levs didn't even have a social media. You were sure he didn't even know about it. But that's what made it so damning. That and the fact that he was wearing a tournament tshirt Coach V had made only a few weeks back.

Oh, how you wanted to convince yourself it was an old video.

You leaned against you car, sighing with a heavy kind of temporary relief. You were glad to be back at your car- but not sure what the hell you were going to do now. You couldn't be here.

Gripping the handle and yanking the door open you sat in your car, holding the steering wheel as you finally let yourself feel. The tears were coming fast as you sobbed, sobbed so hard it made your chest ache and your head throb.

You cried for all the time you spent pining for him. For all the hopeful moments spent in his arms thinking someday. Someday this would happen for you. Someday you would matter enough. But it didn't. You didn't.

And now that you saw it from the other side you still couldn't understand why that someday never came.

When Ari came back after that summer, you acted like nothing happened. You didn't tell him that you saw the kiss. You just dove into your school work, dated a handful of other guys unsuccessfully and continued to be Ari's good friend. His itty bitty. Hoping that one day he would figure it out. That he would truly see that it did matter.

You stayed in your car the duration of the game- only realizing it when you saw people start to funnel out in the direction of the arena. The crowd looked happy which meant the boys won. You hoped Ari scored. But not for you this time. For him.

You took a deep clarifying breath, easing the car out of the parking lot and turning away from campus. You knew what you needed to do and for once, it didn't involve Ari.

Turns out, even after all this time, it didn't actually matter after all.

Check out bug’s Team Literally Anyone Else t-shirt made by the lovely and talented @justalonelyslytherin ❤️

The hockey dividers were made by the lovely and talented @firefly-graphics ❤️

As always, thank you for all the love and support. Please check out my archive blog where I only post new fics @drabblewithfrannybarnesfics ❤️

undrunk

summary: your friends with benefits situation with bucky takes a turn that could break your heart

pairing: frat!bucky x reader

word count: 3.6k

warnings: explicit language, consumption of alcohol, implied smut, mention of previous cheating (not bucky), reader may have a slight drinking problem, bad rebounds, one (1) game of spin the bottle, bucky is kind of a dick but also reader is kind of crazy, slightly toxic but it works out in the end, like the tiniest bit of fluff (if you squint). loosely based on undrunk by fletcher

a/n: here she is, the long awaited frat!bucky. i hope this was worth the wait, and everyone enjoys the happy ending i tried to do. if you like this please make sure to reblog and comment - i appreciate every single one!!

main masterlist ─ i no longer have a taglist but you can follow @theafterglowlibrary and turn on notifications for fic updates!

You were woken up by the click of your bedroom closing, and the soft sound of padded feet through your hallway and out the front door. You squeezed your eyes tight, willing the tears not to come as you rolled over and checked the time. 5am. At least he was consistent.

It was stupid - you were stupid - to let this happen again. Bucky had broken your heart enough times that you should know better by now. But you never learn.

You guessed you couldn’t really blame him. He had made it clear to you from the very first night that he wasn’t interested in a relationship. That it would only ever be sex. Of course, when you’re half drunk and desperate for him to just fuck you already, you agree to anything. No one could blame you for a one night mistake.

No, the real pain came from the months after. The 1am texts and the secret touches. Because with those came the silly pictures and the late night talks as he laid in your bed. With it came the desperate want for more. Even when you knew it wasn’t possible.

So you laid in bed, staring at the ceiling as the tears streamed down your face, knowing you had no one to blame but yourself.

-

Despite the ache in your chest, there was one thing you could never say no to: a party. Maybe you should learn to stay away from them, considering that’s how you ended up in Bucky’s bed in the first place, but you just couldn’t; there was nothing like the sweet release of drinking your pain away.

At the very least, you could stay away from Bucky’s frat house. Or that’s what you told yourself.

Somehow, though, you ended up in the basement of the Phi Gamma Delta house, even though you specifically told Wanda not to let you anywhere near Fiji tonight. Not after your conversation with Bucky a few days ago.

Not after he had accidentally stayed the night, and you thought it meant more. Not after you had asked him to go to breakfast and he practically sprinted for the door.

But you hadn’t seen him yet, so that was a plus. There was always a chance he had skipped out on the festivities for the night. Maybe he had gone home to Brooklyn for the weekend, or maybe he was upstairs in his room and you could just -

Your thoughts were cut off by the cheers of the group of people around you, and you turned to see Sam in the middle finishing off a handle of vodka. In your experience, that could only mean one thing.

“Let’s play spin the bottle!” Sam shouted as the last burn of the liquor coursed through him. Having no reason to say no, you made room for yourself in the circle and patiently waited your turn.

Sam gave a dramatic look around the room, before spinning the bottle with a twist of his wrist. Everyone watched as the glass slowed, anxious to see who the first person to kiss the frat president would be tonight. To your surprise, the bottle came to a slow stop on you.

You looked up with slightly panicked eyes. Even in your inebriated state, you could recognize that kissing one of Bucky’s brothers probably wasn’t the greatest idea. But then you remembered the look of absolute terror on his face at the mention of more. And Sam was moving across the circle to you, and Steve - Bucky’s best friend - wasn’t saying anything and so you came to the conclusion that you did with most things: fuck it.

When Sam’s warm lips met yours, you felt… nothing. No spark, nothing beyond acknowledging he was a good kisser. It lasted less than 10 seconds before you were pulling away and spinning the bottle yourself.

Which is how you ended up kissing half the people at the party: Peter - everyone’s favorite pledge, Natasha - your chemistry lab partner, and Scott - who you had never met before but was as funny as he was a good kisser, just to name a few.

The game continued until it dwindled down to a handful of people and you switched to another drinking game. One which you were losing terribly and it showed in your glassy eyes and drunken babble.

The last thing you remembered was the feel of strong hands on your hips, the soft plush of a mattress, and an ache between your thighs.

-

A beam of sunlight burned across your face, enunciating the raging headache you had after going to bed without Advil or an acceptable amount of water. You could have sworn you closed your blinds, but figured you must have opened them up at some point during the day before.

It wasn’t until you reached for the bottle of water you usually kept on your nightstand and grasped air instead that you realized you were, in fact, not in your own bed.

You shot up before groaning at the rush of dizziness to your head. Slowly, you blinked until the room came into focus, and assessed the damage of your night.

You were naked, so that wasn’t a good sign. You remembered sloppy kisses and hushed whispers of are you sure? And at least whoever it was was just as drunk as you were, so there was no harm done in your mind.

That was, until you realized who you had spent your drunken night with.

Broad shoulders gave way to a freckled back and narrow waist. The tuft of blond hair was a mess, like he - or you - had run hands through it, a lot. You knew there was no one else you could be, but when he rolled over, his long lashes fluttering awake, it was confirmed.

“Steve?” you hissed, still in shock. “What the fuck happened?”

At the unmistakable sound of your voice, his eyes snapped open, and he nearly fell to the floor.

“Y/N? Fuck, fuck! Bucky is gonna kill me.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” you scoffed, and you wanted to crush the little bit of hope that creeped into your mind. No, he had made it clear there was nothing more than sex between you. But off course he wouldn’t want his best friend to sleep with the same girl. Bro code or whatever.

God, his best friend. This was worse than Sam, who he’d only known a couple of years. This was his other half since they were practically in the womb. You couldn’t have chosen a worse rebound.

Wanting to forget the mess you had just made of your life, you quickly pulled on your clothes while Steve watched with wary eyes, though he didn’t say anything else about Bucky.

“Are you okay?” You heard Steve’s timid voice as you were about to pull open his door. The motherfucker was such a sweetheart, and you couldn’t handle crying on top of everything else right now.

You were so close to just leaving without a word; that would have been easier on everyone. But damn Steven Rogers, so charming without even trying. You walked back to his bed where he had sat watching you, and gave him a quick kiss. It was a thank you and an apology and a let’s never talk about this again all in one, and he seemed to understand.

Pressing your ear to the door, you made sure no one was in the hall before you slipped out of his room. It would be your luck if Bucky was coming out of his room across the hall at the same moment you were leaving his best friend.

Thankfully, the hall was empty, and you couldn’t hear the usual chatter that came from the frat house, so you figured they must all still be sleeping off their hangovers. You pulled out your phone and ordered an Uber, figuring your best bet was to wait outside on the steps for the few minutes it would take to pick you up. You were so engrossed in your phone you didn’t hear the clatter of plates in the kitchen or the abrupt stop of voices.

When you finally reached the bottom of the stairs, you felt eyes on you, and you looked up to see Bucky staring at you from the kitchen.

You couldn’t have predicted how much it would hurt to see his face, even after only a few days. You also couldn’t have expected the gut-wrenching feeling that came with him cooking breakfast… for someone else.

Not just anyone else, Dot, the beautiful redhead from Chi Omega that you had always been insecure about, even before Bucky.

Flashes of walking in on your ex-boyfriend buried between her thighs had you stumbling back, and Bucky could do nothing but watch as you made your way to the front door. You could even hear the snicker of Dot’s voice just before you slammed the door shut behind you.

-

The great thing about having your own apartment is you could get wine drunk every night of the week and no one was there to judge you for it.

So every night for the next week, you poured yourself a glass before you started on your homework, and were happily tipsy by the time you took a shower and fell into bed. Some may call it a problem, but they weren’t around to know.

You got so used to the feeling that by the time Thursday night rolled around and you had nothing to do but drink, you went a little overboard.

After the first glass you didn’t even bother with any etiquette, instead drinking straight from the bottle until it was empty and you were hungry. You started a pot to boil while you uncorked another bottle, and had half of that down by the time your pasta was ready to be cooked. Trying to maneuver a pot of boiling water proved to be difficult with a bottle of wine in one hand, so you tried to set it down to give yourself room to work, but ended up knocking the handle of the pot, spilling hot water across your arm in the process.

Though it stung, your pride was the thing that took the most damage as you pressed a cold washcloth to your forearm. You slid down to sit on the tiled floor, bringing the bottle with you, and only when you drained the last of the liquid did you allow yourself to feel your emotions.

It started off with silent tears, hurt from the shards of your heart, and gradually your drunken mind spiraled until all you could feel was seething anger at the way Bucky had treated you.

How were you not supposed to catch feelings after Bucky was in your bed practically every weekend?

There were even nights where he came over just to study - although you supposed those always ended in hookups too. But he called you beautiful as he pushed into you, brushing your hair from your face and leaving delicate kisses across your flesh. He made you feel more than any other reoccurring hookup. You couldn’t believe you were the only one who felt the spark that always buzzed beneath the surface of your relationship.

Letting your anger and uninhibited brain fuel you, you grasped for your phone, dialing the number you now knew by heart.

The line rang once, twice, before he picked up, and at first all you could hear was the chatter of other people. He yelled something, muffled by his hand over the speaker, before you heard the sound of a door shutting and he finally spoke.

“Hello? Y/N?” He sounded relatively sober, which did not bode well for you. It was a lot harder to argue with someone when they weren’t as drunk as you were - and that’s exactly what you were looking for.

“James Barnes, you motherfucker.” You tried to sound confident and put together, but the tell-tale of slur coated your words. “You fucking suck, dude.”

“Why are you calling me?” You could hear the agitation in his words, and that made you even angrier.

“To tell you that you’re the fucking worst, James. You need to know that. I need you to know that.”

“God, Y/N, how drunk are you?”

“I’m not -” you hiccupped, giving yourself away even more. “I’m not drunk. You’re drunk.”

“No, I’m not the one that’s wasted on a Thursday night. Jesus.” Surprisingly, you couldn’t hear any judgment in his tone - just disappointment. And maybe that hurt worse. What right did he have to be disappointed in you? You weren’t his anything.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that. Just don’t.” Your voice wavered and you could feel the tears coming again. “How could you?”

A deep sigh, like he knew this was coming. “How could I what?”

“You could have picked anyone but her, anyone but Dot. You know how I feel about her, and you fuck her? It’s like you don’t even care about me.”

“It’s not like that -” You cut him off, not wanting to hear whatever lies he spouted.

“Don’t bullshit me. You even cooked her breakfast. I thought you didn’t do relationships, huh? Or is it just that you don’t do relationships with me?” Finally, the dam cracked and you were sobbing and you heard Bucky sigh again, like you were a nuisance, like he had better things to do.

“Listen, Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re hurt, that you caught feelings, that you thought there was more. But I told you from the beginning that I didn’t want a relationship. More than once.” The truth of the words stung, but he wasn't done yet. No, Bucky had to make sure every piece of your heart was irreparable. “I’m not going to keep explaining myself to you, not when you’re acting crazy like this.”

“At least your best friend doesn’t think I’m crazy. And he was a better fuck anyways.” You were grappling for any way you could hurt him the way he had hurt you but he was a brick wall.

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

Crazy. The word bounced around in your thoughts over and over, even after the call had ended. You stared at the kitchen wall, thinking about where everything had gone wrong. Where you had gone wrong.

Because this was your fault, and that was a hard pill to swallow. Bucky was right, he had been honest with you from the beginning, and you had held onto unfounded hopes.

In that moment all you could wish was to go back in time - to stop from getting drunk that first night. To stop your spitefulness and your anger. To stop from ever falling in love with him.

-

The next morning you woke up, still on the kitchen floor, with a splitting headache and dried tears coating your face.

You thanked the gods you didn’t have a class on Fridays as you stepped into the shower, feeling the ache of last night slowly wash off you. It was after that you decided, staring in the mirror at your sunken cheeks, that you would make a change. You would get your shit together.

You started with an apology to Steve, one he deserved long before now, then took the time to delete the pictures of Bucky from your phone. The ones that were private and you had kept for when you needed something to take the edge off of missing him. The thought filled you with guilt now, as you pressed delete and hoped he had done the same on his end. Then you texted your friends you had neglected the past couple months, the ones who tried to warn you and who had gotten sick of your own self sabotage.

The last thing you did was type out a text to Bucky, apologizing for your behavior, for the way you had treated him, and wishing him well. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send it, so it sat undelivered in your phone until you could finally bring yourself to delete the entire text thread.

You knew you should delete his number too, erase any temptation, but it was just something you couldn’t bring yourself to do.

The urge to text him and explain yourself took a while to go away, especially when you found out that Bucky wasn’t lying about nothing happening with Dot, that she was there because her sorority sister had needed a ride home that morning, and she just so happened to catch Bucky in the kitchen.

You beat yourself up for that one, though you knew it wouldn’t have made a difference. There was never anything more for you and Bucky, regardless of who he did or didn’t sleep with. That was the hardest part to get over.

But you did it.

You stopped going to frat parties, too, deciding that part of your life was over. You threw yourself into your studies and before you knew it, May was approaching and you were just a couple weeks from graduation.

Preparing for one last hoorah with your friends, you met Wanda at your favorite bar downtown - dressed up for the first time in a while, and drinking more than a single glass of wine with dinner since that phone call with Bucky.

Who, speak of the devil, walked in just as you were grabbing a tray of drinks off the bartop. You locked eyes, but quickly hustled back to your table as you saw him attempt to push through the crowd towards you.

You thought he had gotten the hint, because you only saw him in quick glances from across the bar after that, until you made your way to the bathroom, brushing Wanda off when she offered to come with you.

Unfortunately, there was only a single stall that was annoyingly occupied, so you leaned back against the wall and waited.

You were scrolling through Twitter, contemplating going full Maddy from euphoria and banging on the door, when you felt a presence beside you. You knew without looking up exactly who it was.

Slowly, you slipped your phone in your pocket and turned to look up at him.

He was devastating. Just as charming and handsome as you remembered, and it was a struggle for a moment to catch your breath.

“Hi,” he whispered, and you wondered if maybe he was thinking the same thing about you. You could only be so foolish to hope. “I’ve missed you.”

You felt your heart skip a beat, and you wanted to shove the feeling down but suddenly his hands were cupping your face and he was just a breath away.

“I was an idiot, to say the least, and I’m sorry it took a few months of missing you everyday to realize that.” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. It felt like a fever dream - awful and amazing all at once. “Could you give me a chance to not be an idiot?”

What you should do was tell him no, that you had moved on, that he didn’t mean anything to you anymore.

But you had always been a terrible liar.

Instead of falling into his arms like you desperately wanted to, like the you of six months ago would have, you pressed a kiss to his cheek - a forgiveness and a dismissal all in one - and walked back to your table.

After exchanging goodbyes with your friends, you sent one last look Bucky’s way before heading home.

-

It had been a few days since you’d heard from Bucky, and it hurt more than you cared to admit.

Although you had wanted to forgive him and move on that night at the bar, a part of you held back. You wanted to make sure it wasn’t a result of him being drunk and lonely. And unfortunately it seemed your suspicions were right.

You’d spent the days since then with your phone always in arm’s reach, hoping he would call, but on the third day of nothing, you had accepted your fate.

Just as you were about to run a bath and block out the world for a little while, there was a knock at your door. Your heart jumped into your throat, but you shoved it back down along with the lingering hope that it would be Bucky on the other side.

Preparing yourself for anything, you swung the door open to the one person you wanted above all else - Bucky Barnes, weighed down with… grocery bags?

“Uh,” you weren’t quite sure what to say, and the sheepish smile on his face was one you had never seen before.

“Can I come in?” He asked, lifting up the bags. “These are pretty heavy.”

Wordlessly, you stepped aside, and he set the bags down on the counter. When you peaked inside them, you were surprised to find an array of breakfast foods. You sent him a questioning look, waiting for some sort of explanation.

“I spent the last few days thinking about how I could prove to you that I was serious. Probably have about 50 unsent texts. After everything, I thought I could start with breakfast. Low stakes, and you don’t have to decide anything right now. Just let me be here with you.”

Although you had decided the moment you saw him on your doorstep, you let him cook you breakfast. You let him open up in ways he never had before. You let yourself fall more in love with him, knowing he was doing the same with you.

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