Logan: Why Do You Hang Out With Me?

You are not hard to love (Nikki x Tommy)

A/N: Spiritual sequel to this one but can be read as stand alone too. I’m always super insecure about posting my fic here because to my brain they just suck ™

Summary:  Recovery isn’t easy and Nikki knew it, but fuck he didn’t expect to be so hard. Especially he didn’t expected to feel like he was poison his sweet Tommy.

The rain was falling down slowly and Nikki loved that. He always found it relaxing almost comforting meanwhile Tommy hated when it was raining, everything was too dark and gloomy for him.

Hearing the little drops falling down always helped the bassist to sleep better, but this time it wasn’t enough. His mind has been tormenting him all day and the cravings got so much worse, during the AA meeting the therapist told him that he used drugs to escape from his past. Heroin made him numb and gave him the illusion to have control over his haunting memories.

So many people believed in the “ they can get better for me” fairytale when their partner decides to get clean but that’s nothing easy when it comes to that, life isn’t peaches and cream… addictions don’t go away just like that, and most importantly you have to get better for yourself first.

Just because he went to rehab and now he was going to AA meetings it didn’t mean he still didn’t get cravings. Actually right now it was even worse because he was digging down to the core and he couldn’t use anything to distract himself.

Just him and his past.

Shame and guilt were constantly haunting him since that night after his death, when Tommy broke down in his arms. Tommy, the poor boy had to put up with him every day and he had no idea how many times he kept the drummer wake because he needed to be comforted after a nightmare, or how many times he held his hair while he was puking ( sometimes he even puked on the poor Tommy), he lost count of all the times he hugged him when he was freezing.

He noticed how Tommy wanted to help him and how sad he was to see him struggling, but he was no superhero he couldn’t always rescue him even if in Nikki’s eyes he was his savior.

Almost as Tommy could hear his thoughts he heard him walking into the living room, hugging Nikki from behind.

“Baby it’s early, what are you doing awake?” The bassist asked surprised, Tommy was anything but an early bird.

“It’s raining and I can’t sleep if you are not hugging me, you know that. Why are you still awake?” He gently started to rub circles on Nikki’s back.

“ I couldn’t sleep, you know rain calms me…”

“Polar opposites I guess, you love it and I hate it”

Nikki couldn’t help but smile a little, however the guilt came back quickly. It wasn’t only that it felt like he was poisoning the younger man, forcing him to live one of the worst experience of his life just because he loved the bassist.

Tommy was happy and bubbly, easily excited and a child at heart meanwhile Nikki was just a fucked up, a junkie coming from a broken home who never knew what love was until he met Tommy. Why  was he even bothering wasting his time with him? He was damaged goods… too broken to be repaired.

Sure he was taking his life back together but he knew he was bound to fail.

“Why are you doing this Tommy?” Nikki whispered loud enough for Tommy to hear him.

“Doing what?”

“Keep putting up with me, why?” He looked so confused, it wasn’t possible for him that somebody cared for him like that.

“ I already told you Nikki…” Tommy always tried to deviate the conversation but Nikki was sick of this, his brain was filled with self-hatred and he felt the anger raising.

“ No Tommy I don’t fucking know it because you always avoid telling me!” He scoffed.

Irritability. It was a constant, the cravings made him angry and not being able to have control made him frustrated, unfortunately most of the time Tommy was the victim of his wrath. See? Another fucking reason to leave him for good.

He was a lunatic out of his mind and the hurt look on Tommy’s face made him sick. Fucking cunt, what the fuck are you doing?!

“What do you want me to do, leave you alone like everyone else did? Shouldn’t you have learned by now that you can’t push me away?!”

His voice was firm and his grip tightened around Nikki almost as he was scared the bassist could run away.

“Don’t you fucking get it? If you stay with me I’m going to break you! Don’t you see the mess I’m now? It will only get worse and you’re going to get stuck with a mental case!”

Those words were filled with venom, it was so easy for him to get angry at himself almost comforting in a twisted way because that’s what he was used to, being comforted and helped didn’t feel right. That’s why he pushed Tommy away, to prevent to get hurt and feeling all the emotions he was hiding.

“If you think that getting away from you is going to help me in any way, then you must have forgotten how bad I was feeling when you came back from the hospital.”

Nikki couldn’t forget it even if he tried. The dead light in Tommy’s eyes, he tears on his cheeks, when he confessed that we wanted to be dead if Nikki wasn’t alive anymore. There was no way out, he either hurt Tommy by being with him or by leaving him.

“You’re not a waste of time” Tommy said it like it was the easiest thing ever and Nikki wanted to scream because these were just lies.

“Don’t…”

“You are not too hard to love, you deserve love”

No no, I fucking don’t! Everybody shoved me that I don’t, every single person who was supposed to love me didn’t! How could you say that?!

“ I fucking love you. I chose to be with you and I choose you, all of you even the painful parts, even the parts you think are fucked up.” Tommy’s heart was pounding, scared to have pushed things too far and Nikki’s silence was just adding more anxiety.

The bassist lift his gaze but he was absolutely terrified until he felt a tiny tear falling down his cheek, without even thinking Tommy took him into his arms and Nikki melted into his embrace. He buried  his head in the other man’s chest and let it all out, Tommy was silent and he was grateful for that because words were useless right now.

“It’s okay Nikki, you can let it all out” a voice inside him said while his boyfriend was gently petting his hair.

He had no idea how much time has passed, he felt exhausted but Tommy’s arms were still holding him and his words floating in his mind.

“You are not hard to love”

“I choose you, all of you”

How was he supposed to believe that? How could Tommy say it so openly? How could he love him so easily?

“Do you want to get to bed?” Tommy asked, rubbing his back.

“ Can we… can we stay here?” Nikki felt so pathetic for asking that, he wasn’t a small child for fuck’s sake, but the drummer didn’t say anything, just stretched his arm and grabbed a blanket to put over them.

The sound of the rain and Tommy’s steady heartbeat calmed him down enough to close his eyes. He took his boyfriend’s hand in his and spoke to him.

“Tommy”

“Uh?!”

“ I love you so fucking much. You are the best thing happened to me” It was a whisper but he knew Tommy heard it.

“ You are not alone, I won’t leave you alone”.

Tommy’s voice was firm and even if Nikki’s trust issues made him doubt he knew his boyfriend really mean it. He stuck with him even during possibly the hardest period of his life, so why would he leave when things would get easier?

Maybe he just had to let himself go, let Tommy and his love get inside him without any fear.

“You won’t hurt me?” It was a desperate whisper but he needed to know.

“ I won’t hurt you Nikki, I promise.”

Nikki looked him in the eyes and he knew he could believe him.

Slack is lowkey suck a mood sometimes

Pretty boys ❤️

Wade: What are you drinking?

Logan: Vodka.

Wade: Straight?

Logan: No, gay. Why?

5th wheel Izzy is my spirit animal

Slaxl, Stuff , and Forever Alone Izzy.

Honestly one can interpret the Music video for November Rain as super gay

This is how I see the creature commandos /hj

I'm just gonna leave this here

Mupp My Life Into Pieces.

This is my last resort!

"IT'S A METAPHOR, BRIAN!"

Hi, you can call me a fanboy, a fanatic, or I guess you can call me @eric-carrburetorr, I haven't settled on a nice name for this blog yet.

Give me asks for headcanons or any questions you want to know about rock!(My opinions or recommendations)

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My blog for other things is @raventhebard.

I'm He/him and trans male.

I like KISS, Queen, David Bowie, Nirvana, Guns N Roses, Rolling Stones, and I'm getting into more bands all the time!

I made this blog because I want some friends that are into rock.