I Just Have One Wish For My Birthday This Year. I Do Not Want To Cry. It's Fine If No One Celebrates

New life 💕

New phase of my life officially begins. Fighting, dearself. ❤

Shall I close the curtains for tomorrow or let it wide open ? 🤓

𝕀 𝕖𝕩𝕚𝕤𝕥

“Really high-minded people are indifferent to happiness, especially other people's.” 

-Bertrand Russell

Know what's the worst feeling is? It is to not know what you did to that person who have been talking with you very friendly that that person stopped talking to you all together. You will have countless thoughts on what could have went wrong, are you really the one to be blame, or did you said something wrong that made them feel hurt, or did you ever crossed the line with them, or could it be that you did something to their precious person that they don't want to talk with you anymore or is there someone else behind everything, or could it be that they have their own problem that they couldn't talk properly (But that still doesn't make sense though sometimes, when you see them talking to others like normal. How could they talk to other nicely but you?). Countless thoughts with no proper answer on when where it went wrong and what caused all these.

And the worst shit is that I have been going through this shit for more than 10 years now.

I hate myself for crying over someone who doesn't know how to appreciate me. I really hate when I do it. I deserve better. Not someone who comes to me only when they need something. I really deserve better. I wish I know that. I wish myself can realise that and stop crying for God's sake. They don't deserve your tears. Please, respect yourself Loweena.

Dear Sejarah,

Please be nice tomorrow.

Love,

Loweena :)

It was intended. I did intentionally, with my sane mind I chose to stay in my home three more days. Do I regret it? NO. Never. I'm so glad that I was brave enough to make that decision. For someone who have no friend and had to spend every time inside four walls so far away from my comfort place, choosing to stay in that protection and familiarity of my home, never felt wrong. If the price I had to pay for that is missing out on an one-hour class, forty-five minutes of nagging, anger and frustration being thrown at my face or even bringing forth my childhood trauma that I try so hard to overcome, I am ready to accept that. Even if I do went back in time, I would still choose to do the same thing, perhaps in a different way but I would do it again.

I do not at all regret my decision. Not even a single percent. Not once at any point, I thought that perhaps I shouldn't have stayed longer. NO. I was safe and happy while being home. I slept well and ate well. I would never exchange it for anything. And no one has to understand this too. I chose myself and I don't have any regret for doing so. That's all matters.

I dont ask for help from just anyone. That's who i am. That's what my character is. Because i believe help that's not get after asked for it hurts even more.

I dont ask for help from just anyone. But if I do and if you helped me I'll be forever grateful. Help that is given but not at the moment it needed the most is useless.