I'm So Alone. I Have Fucking No One.

😂😂 explains my whole life...

My typical visit to an Art Store.

I’m out of canvas boards. I think to myself. 

Then follows a long, elaborate planning process. If I leave work by 6, I can rush to the art store on the way back, and still be home on time. The entire day is spent in a jittery excitement of getting my hands on those damn canvases.

It’s 6:05. I’m at the art store. Soaking in the beauty of my surroundings. I look at the canvases, and if someone observed closely, they would see me drooling. I resist picking up the largest one available, and modestly pick up what I had come for. Eight by tens. Yup, those are the ones I need. How many, you ask? As many as they’ve got in the store.

And then as I casually walk towards the billing counter, I can’t help but notice (because I’m seeking it out) the paint aisle. Didn’t I use up all my white paint!? I don’t recollect, but decide that I have, and pick up a tube. What about texture white? Yup, picked a jar. Oooh would you look at that beautiful turquoise? In the shopping basket.

As I decide that it’s time to leave, I remember that there are only a few blank pages in my travel sketchbook. Walking towards the sketchbook aisle is like opening a can of worms. I know what’s gonna happen, and yet I can’t resist it. Gotta pick up a tiny sketchbook that can fit into all of my purses. So, what do I do? I pick up an A3 watercolour block. Perfect. Oh would you look at that charcoal!? I think to myself, having never used charcoal successfully. I will now. Of course I will.

Three brushes, a painting palette and a set of pastels later, there I am, standing at the billing counter. My eyes glace at a beautiful display of writing pencils. These would be a perfect addition to the seven hundred pencils I already have. Forty five minutes later, I walk out with my bags heavier, my wallet lighter, and I’m smiling. Perfect.

Ranting

I feel really sad lately. Feel almost alone because I feel like no one really understands me. I try to make friends online, but most people just blame me for things out of my control or just get upset with me because I struggle to take jokes or anything. I have two friends I really care about and I should be happy about that, but when they are busy I just feel even more alone. Feel like I'm almost dependent on other people which is bad and I need to fix that. I think I need to find happiness in myself, but it's so hard when you live with so much guilt and trauma. Feels like my own mind and skin is filthy and can't get clean so I crave other people to be around so I can take my mind off of it. I'm sorry to rant about this, I just don't know what else to do and wanted to get it off my chest and throw into void. I just feel scared to talk about my issues sometimes cause what if I word it wrong and someone gets mad at me? I'm sorry if this seems like a pity me or something, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry because feel sad, alone, and like I'm a bad person.

notes for my impostor syndrome:

• no, it's not painful to walk for abled-bodied people

• no, healthy people don't usually use every chance they get to lean against walls or sit down

• no, ableds don't dream about shower stool

• no, ableds don't celebrate days when they're not in pain. because usually they're not in pain

• no, ableds don't want to stop walking mid-way, lay down on the ground, curl up and cry and whine from pain

• no, ableds aren't exhausted by their own bodies 24/7

Me, right after I get a new diagnosis: HA, I knew it! All those crappy doctors who told me I was faking it were WRONG! This is great news!

Me, several hours later when the news actually hits me: *sobs alone in my room*

Wait what's a buildings fire evacuation plan if you aren't supposed to use the elevator to get down

Being autistic is when

Either, I listen to and comprehend what you’re saying.

Or, I make eye-contact and control my facial expression.

Pick. One.

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

What’s happening to autistic people right now?

(Trigger warning for abuse, electroshock therapy, torture, and ableism.)

The US court has overturned the ban on shock devices being used against disabled students, predominantly autistic students in the US.

The shock device being legalized is called the graduated electronic decelerator (or GED). This is a torture device that is used to ‘correct’ autistic behaviors / symptoms. Autistic people are shocked for stimming, and for having meltdowns, ect. This device was made popular by a behavioral center (the Judge Rosenberg Center, specifically) that is infamous for its abuse and torture of autistic / disabled patients.

(Image ID: someone is holding their arm out and resting it on a table, with their sleeve rolled up. Attached to their arm are wires, which connect to a small cube device.)

This is what the device looks like. It sends electric shocks into the victim’s skin; the victim often being restrained and held against their will. This is torture. GEDs have been reported to cause intense psychological trauma, PTSD, and physical injuries.

In March of 2020, the FDA ruled for GEDs to be banned. (Although, of course, they were still illegally used at a number of places.) This ruling has recently been appealed, and today, the US court of appeals has re-regulated the law to stop the use of GED. Sounds great, right? It would be!

... If not for a huge loophole in the wording, which basically allows this torture to continue. This device is going to have continued use on autistic students in order to “correct their behavior.”

“So.... What can I do??”

Great question! You can:

Listen to and boost autistic voices to spread awareness

As-of now (July 7th), autistic activists are trying to get #StopTheShock trending on Twitter, so Tweet out the hashtag if you have Twitter

If you’re in the US, email / call your legislators

Sign this petition if you’re in the US

Follow this case and look out for updates

If Autism Speaks (known ableist hategroup) says anything about this, DO NOT BOOST IT

That’s all! Thank you. Reblogs are very appreciated!!

(repeated like a mantra while rubbing my temples) i will stay silly and not allow the world to make me bitter and cruel. i will stay silly and not allow the world to make me bitter and cruel. i wi