When They Put Babies In Little Sleeping Bags... Petition To Make The Entire World Colder... We Need To

*meeeting a friend for coffee* friend: how's work been?

me: oh you know *mimes putting a gun in my mouth but i moan a little and start sucking the barrel and pushing it deeper

see the THING IS I don't feel like I ever worked hard enough to have "earned" the burnout, which is. probably how we got here.

My body is already an inhospitable environment, there’s no way a friggin baby would be able to survive in it

Who did 9/11

That is the worst slander I ever heard against a first baseman.

if i lived in the mushroom kingdom luigi and i would be best friends

if you see a woman driving poorly it’s sexist to assume that it’s because she’s a woman. maybe she’s still learning. maybe she’s doing it on purpose because she’s an asshole. maybe she feels entitled to the road. maybe she’s going to die soon and she had vehicular manslaughter on her bucket list. maybe she has a car crash fetish

can you take my white ass to funkytown

i used tumblr more yippee

i gotta use tumblr more

one time i fell asleep with a half eaten bag of chips on my chest and while i was napping one of my cats jumped up on me and chewed up the bag and sent the chips flying everywhere and a bit later i woke up completely covered in shredded bag and chip pieces and the last thing i remembered i had started eating some tasty chips so for a short while i was convinced i had blacked out and gone into some sort of uncontrollable chip frenzy

who do you think gets Shallan in the divorce, Hoid or Jasnah?