Thinking About How When You Experience A Lot Of Shame In Your Formative Years (indirectly, Directly,

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

More Posts from Ella-melon and Others

7 months ago

normal is when the girl with a penis is in your porn. woke is when the girl with a penis is in your coffee shop.

4 months ago

the commodification of friendship is the most annoying thing to come out of the internet in ages. like actually i love to break this to you but you're supposed to help your friends move even if it's hard work. or stay up with them when they're sad even if you're gonna lose sleep. you're supposed to listen to their fears and sorrows even if it means your own mind takes on a little bit of that weight. that's how you know that you care. they will drive you to the airport and then you will make them soup when they're sick. you're supposed to make small sacrifices for them and they are supposed to do that for you. and there's actually gonna be rough patches for both of you where the balance will be uneven and you will still be friends and it will not be unhealthy and they will not be abusive. life is not meant to be an endless prioritization of our own comfort if it was we would literally never get anywhere ever. jesus.

4 months ago

i hate magicians because when i was seven i was watching a magician perform during my friend's birthday party and he did this one trick where he would take a black statuette and a white statuette, cover them each with a cloth, and then lift the cloths off to reveal that they were in separate places. and i thought i had figured out the trick so i yelled to the magician that the back sides of the statuettes were painted with opposite colors and he was just turning them while they were covered by the cloth. and the biggest, shit-eatingest grin spread across his face as he turned the statuettes to reveal that the back halves were painted yellow and red. everyone clapped and cheered and he bowed like five times. to this day i dont know how he pulled that shit off and every time i'm reminded of it i get a brain hemorrhage from pissing myself off real bad

3 months ago

i need a polycule of tall skinny white guys preferably like around 10 of them so i can dress them up in nice outfits and give them cute little red ribbon chokers. (hiding a bowling ball behind my back) For no real reason

6 months ago

New Rule: If it's SFW when a guy does it, it's SFW when a girl does it.

Guy shirtless is SFW? Girl shirtless is now SFW.

Guy with a noticeable bulge in a speedo is SFW? Girl with a noticeable bulge in a speedo is SFW. Etc, etc, etc.

I will not be taking any criticisms on this.

5 months ago

i wanna talk about this shot

I Wanna Talk About This Shot
1 month ago

I got todays cosmerdle in 6!

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟩🟥

🟥🟩🟥🟩🟥

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Try and beat me at https://cosmeredle.net/

i think i can be proud of 6

I got todays cosmerdle in 9!

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟩🟥🟩🟥

🟥🟥🟥🟨🟥

🟥🟩🟥🟥🟥

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Try and beat me at https://cosmeredle.net/

This one was a struggle because I didn't know the world they were from- I consulted the coppermind which I feel is kinda cheating

4 months ago

"You're losing blood" no I know exactly where it is. The floor. Don't ever underestimate me.

8 months ago

Constant Companions Closeup #1: DYAD

(also on spotify!)

Hello everyone!! It's been a couple weeks and change since Constant Companions, my newest album, was released unto the world, and I've been genuinely blown away by the response. Genuinely, thank you to everyone who's been streaming, commenting, making mashups, changing their pfps and usernames - it means the world to me!

I wanted to give some of that love back with something people have been asking me a lot about - and, admittedly, something I love doing. Song explanations! Deep dives! Dropping the lore! Welcome... to the Constant Companions Closeups...

For the next eleven days, I'll be going into each track one by one and babbling about the process, inspiration, details, feelings, and thoughts behind each one! We're getting sappy. We're bearing our hearts. We're telling unfunny jokes. And we're starting with track one - DYAD (featuring unit.0)!

---

Naturally, since this is the first track, it also serves as a great point to talk about my intention with this album as a whole!

I'll elaborate more on this with future tracks, but to me, there are really two main things that define the sonic progression of this album versus my previous work - guitars and vocal synths. Obviously, these things have been present in my work since I first started calling myself Jamie Paige, but Constant Companions is intended to be my overwrought, sappy confession of love to these two things that time and time again have made me simply want to make music. I love rock and I love Hatsune Miku dammit!!!

I had originally written this song in February of 2023 for a game-jam-esque online festival hosted by my friend Loni called HAPPY PARTY TRI, and at that time, I had found myself at a major crossroads. I had put out People Posture Play Pretend and :women_wrestling: the previous year, and while the response was nice, I was feeling listless and lost.

I love singing. I like my voice well enough. I certainly love writing music with lyrics!! But... there was something uniquely electrifying about using vocal synths. Amidst a lot of insecurity and emotional turmoil surrounding the process of making art and putting myself out into the world, it was one of the few things that just made everything feel right. Suddenly, I was making the same kind of music that had touched my heart so many times over.

Would it alienate people, though? Would I lose longtime listeners? Yes, that weighed on my mind more than I'd like to admit, but even more than that... I was worried I'd lose some part of myself, as silly as it sounds. Maybe what I thought was a bridge would become a barrier, and the messages I wanted to send across the gap would never find their way.

Ultimately, I felt that Dyad was the only kind of opener I could've possibly given this album, and a perfect fit for the album's motif. A dialogue between myself, stricken with loneliness and a lack of inertia running in circles, and that synthesized voice (ANRI Arcane my darling), grabbing the outstretched hand and asking a question I already know the answer to -

"Baby, do you know what you wanna hear?"

Yes, it's a love song, but it's not just for a person - it's a love song for the creative impulse, and for the places I wanted it to take me.

im resisting the urge to be jokingly dismissive of myself to diffuse tension but i still need to signal that the emotionally bare part of this is over so pretend im doing a funny little dance Anyways let's talk more technical stuff

---

Like many of my songs, Dyad came together from a patchwork of different snippets and ideas I had laying around. The back half of the chorus - "dream together, we can dream together" - originally came from this idea I had jotted down something like 9 months prior, but ended up being a perfect fit for Dyad in basically every way. The verse snippet that I'd written to go with it got reused for a later song on Constant Companions as well! (I say without naming it, as if it isn't literally lifted wholesale from this demo and thus incredibly obvious)

I wasn't originally planning on brazenly quoting the bridge of a Tally Hall song when I set out to write this song, but while toying around with a bridge idea involving a shortened version of the pre-chorus melody, I realized I had inadvertently copied it anyways. I was going to scrap it... but at the request of my dear friend and certified Tally Hall lover Marcy Nabors, I made it an explicit reference. Which I'm fine with, personally! The first CD I ever owned was a copy of Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum my sister bought me all the way back in 2006 - You can pry that sentimental attachment from my cold, dead hands, TikTok kiddies.

Lastly - not really behind the scenes so much as just a shoutout - thank you to unit.0 for the lovely lead guitar work on this song!! He's been a beloved collaborator of mine for many, many years now, and one of the people who ultimately convinced me this direction was the right one to go in, so it means a lot to share this song with him. Go listen to his music!!! Now!!!!!!

That's about it for this song! Not to sound like a fucking YouTuber, but genuinely, if there are any details you'd like to hear more about, let me know and I might made a bonus post at the end of all this. Otherwise, thank you for listening! Tomorrow: Not Quite There, featuring telebasher!

❤️💚

5 months ago

I have been so utterly transfixed by this phrase lately.

I Have Been So Utterly Transfixed By This Phrase Lately.

I find myself saying this out lout whenever I feel stumped by any conversation. Any time a conversation gets kinda stupid and people start saying unnecessary things I immediately have a strong compulsion to say "uh... white person here. i jack off to goombas from the super mario bros games"

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