Lux Was The Last To Go ♱˖⋆₊˚.‧

this is what the inside of my brain looks like

RIP Steve Randle I know that man would have hated modern cars

Are you interested???

˚₊‧꒰ა ♡ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Paul "Nice catch Cheer" and Darry "Not my name quarterback"

thinking about how if darry hadn’t turned on soda, ponyboy might justve went to his room and cried. bc the thing is he thinks darry is being irrational but he knows how stupid he sounded he sounded saying he forgot (“It sounded dumb, even to me, when I stammered […]”)

up until this point, it’s a one sided argument all most. like in the musical i could argue (not very well) that pony eggs darry on the entire argument but in the book i think i’d say he’s more docile (?) meek (?? neither the right word but alas).

for example

“I ran home, trembling at the thought of facing Darry.”

“He was on his feet in a second. I stood there, chewing on my fingernail.”

““Where the heck have you been? Do you know what time it is?" He was madder than I'd seen him in a long time. I shook my head wordlessly.”

“It sounded dumb, even to me, when I stammered, "I... I went to sleep in the lot...”

“I didn't mean to." I pleaded with Darry.”

and then the most important part to this whole point i’m trying to make

“I felt hot tears of anger and frustration rising. "I said I didn't mean to...”

darry’s been hollering at him the entire time and it took this long for pony to finally get frustrated and angry too and even still. even still pony doesn’t yell back. even still pony bites his tongue and lets his words fizzle out. bc it would’ve been real easy to shout it but he doesn’t.

he’s likely mostly frustrated with himself. because yeah ok darrel maybe he hasn’t been using his head as much lately, but he doesn’t know why. all he knows is that he’s been forgetting things more and more and he does things like fall asleep in the lot with nothing but a sleeveless sweatshirt and here’s darry yelling like pony did it on purpose. but he didn’t do it on purpose he didn’t mean to.

and pony gets it, he has been saying that a lot lately. he gets why darry is starting to get upset at the repetitiveness of it; pony’s probably tired of saying it himself.

despite all this pony wasn’t going to engage in the argument until soda spoke up. until soda spoke up and darry shot him down. bc for all intent and purposes, in pony’s mind that is, soda is one connection to this family. soda is the only hint that the family he knows and love didn’t completely leave him eight months ago. bc he hardly recognizes darry and he’s half convinced himself that if not for soda darry would throw him in a home.

so no “no one should ever holler at my brother” bc in his mind, in his puberty stricken mind that’s still grieving his father and older brother, sodas the only real family he’s got left.

This is honestly so bad but um i made it!! 💌

𝜗𝜚 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘺 ⊹ ࣪

────୨ৎ────

ꪆৎ .. I am guilty as sin for my biggest fantasy is to be the youngest girl at the front row of one of his concerts. be staring at him with my doe eyes and wait for him to notice me standing there, like an angel, and kneel infront of me to sing can't help falling in love while looking into my eyes.

then I'd ask him to marry me, and he'd chuckle —completely endeared— and ask the crowd if he should marry me. they'd cheer for it, and then he'd lean down to kiss me all sweetly and call me his wife through the concert.

<3 Then he'd take me backstage and wouldn't care that I'm just a teenager 💋

Ponyboy didn’t cry at Johnny’s funeral. He wanted to, he really did, but he couldn’t make the tears come. He couldn’t feel anything, so he just looked at the grave in silence. He didn’t cry when he got home either. He just sat down in front of the shitty TV and watched whatever cartoon was on. He wanted to feel so badly. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to scream or sob but nothing would come. He was numb.

He went on like that for two weeks. He went on like that until Darrel pushed too hard and then he yelled. He yelled but he still barely felt. He didn’t truly feel until Johnny’s clothes were in his arms. He didn’t feel until he could still smell the smoke and grease and dirt that was so distinctly Johnny still clinging to the fabric. And the minute he felt, he wished it would go away. Because the grief and despair came over him like a tidal wave. He thought he couldn’t possibly still feel his heart break after his parents died, but smelling Johnny and holding his rough jacket, his heart shattered. Suddenly he was burying his face in Johnny’s stuff and gasping for air as sobs wracked his entire body.

It got a little better when he read Johnny’s letter. It got a little better when he started opening up to his brothers. It started getting better when he started feeling a little more ok. But then the one year anniversary came around and suddenly he was plunged back into his pure and unfiltered grief.

He spent the entire morning sitting on his couch, the rest of the gang, or what was left of it, there too. He thought he’d be ok, maybe he’d visit Johnny’s grave and talk to him, or read the letter again. But when he read the letter, the blood drained from his face as he realized that he no longer perfectly remembered Johnny’s voice. He sucked in air when he realized before immediately curling into Darrel and clasping a hand over his mouth to stop the loud sob from escaping. He spent the rest of the day like that, held by his brothers, Soda rubbing his back and Darrel quietly whispering out “I know, baby, I’m so sorry”. He could barely feel Soda’s touch or hear Darrel’s comfort over the ringing in his ears as he kept his eyes squeezed shut, trying to remember every mark on Johnny’s body and the way his laugh sounded and the way his hand felt, his cries getting more intense whenever he couldn’t recall the details. Because his best friend was fading away and there was nothing he could do to stop it.