The History Of Corporate Propaganda.

i think about helen a lot

Sometimes I get really weird kinds of gender dysphoria/euphoria like:

My ass looks way too good for a man :/

My makeup is fucked up :)

Things your friends with social anxiety disorder wish you knew:

Unlike the name implies, social anxiety is not fear of people or crowds. The illness is as likely to occur in extroverts as introverts.

My favorite definition is a phobia of humiliation.

So this can include many things, but it mainly comes down to others’ perceptions. SAD sufferers can be afraid of being seen as sloppy, ugly, inappropriate, perverted, crazy, dirty, whiny, incompetent, needy, immodest, slutty, impulsive, dirty, unstable, messy, clingy, cold, awkward, stupid, know-it-all, conceited, avoidant, rude, stuck-up, oversharing, prudish— you get the picture.

Read those words again. It’s not fear of being disliked. It’s fear of being humiliated. Being thought of as any of those things is specifically humiliating.

The fears range from taboo to simply embarrassing, however irrational.

We struggle to form beliefs, values, and self concept. Any interaction could leave us feeling guilty, either in the moment or (even more scary) out of nowhere, long after the interaction. Remembering my life is like rewatching a movie but sometimes it has a horror soundtrack at random. We think: it can’t all be bad. I must be overreacting. We’re left fumbling around, unable to identify which feelings are real.

Disappointing authority is terrifying. When we do mess up, we fear the worst possible consequence. When I was a freshman, I heard a rumor about myself from another kid. I had a panic attack lasting hours because I thought all my professors had heard and believed this thing of me.

We have a lot of physical symptoms. Stomach, bladder, tight shoulders, awkward, nervous mannerisms, a stutter. All these things are cyclical and make it worse. I have one wish and it is to be in a tight ball covered in spikes for the rest of my life.

It’s a porcupine. I wanna be a porcupine.

The illness is more likely to occur in someone with features that make them conspicuous such as weight issues, a tremor, no hair, or any other physical impairment.

Or, behavior symptoms like struggling to make eye contact, difficultly not interrupting, obvious learning issues, or being held back.

Not everyone is self conscious about these kinds of things, nor should they be. But those with social anxiety feel like there’s a neon sign over our heads listing whatever the stuff is.

It’s not unusual to use substances to lower inhibition and get through parties and meeting new people. Of course, this creates the circular problem of later being even more embarrassed. It’s just as normal to overcompensate with humor and bluntness. Personally, I don’t think “claiming it” is necessarily a good coping strategy. Transparency isn’t the same thing as vulnerability and also you have the right to privacy.

Shy isn’t a bad word. But shy isn’t a mental illness either. SAD is deep-seated clinical terror of being cringe.

We struggle to seek support. In reality, we’re going through it. We literally know we’re going through it. When the truthful answer to “hey, how was your day?” includes your experience of mental illness, you’re not going to give your real answer.

When we do seek support, it’s usually in the form of a joke. Remember what I said about transparency vs vulnerability. There’s clear like glass and there’s clear like plastic. Sometimes you have to get close and touch it to tell the difference.

We replay conversations obsessively in case maybe this time we won’t sound so weird in our own heads.

“Just be yourself!” is not helpful.

It’s not fair either. The sanest homie on the planet has no default “self.” We exist in context and community. You wouldn’t answer “uh just wear ur clothes?” to someone who was nervous about the dress code to an event or interview.

People with social anxiety can be charismatic

People with social anxiety can have depression

People with social anxiety may be rude, snarky, or prickly because they’re so uncomfortable. Think April Ludgate. This is actually a lot more common than traditional “shy” behavior.

Or they might be super nice and fawning.

Or totally frozen and awkward.

What we want most is compassion. But how can you expect or ask for such a thing with all the features that come with this illness?

Just because we complain in anticipation doesn’t mean we don’t want to do something. I can know I’m gonna have a great time at a party, and in fact have a great time, but be miserable the week leading up to it. It’s mixed messages but I don’t really wanna be talked out of my life.

There’s literally so many ways this can play put and I think it’s as applicable to Tumblr as anywhere. ❤️

Favorite trope in ‘John has his own body’ fics: graphically describing how he wants to crawl back in Arthur’s skin and generally Doesn’t Like when they’re not touching

Started listening to Malevolent and I gotta say, the tumblr posts were right, this show fucks hard

One episode of TMA that I will NEVER be able to shut up about is 170 (Recollection). The first episode that made me properly cry! Not only is it a beautiful exploration of Martin as a character, but humanity in general.

The light, innocent, childish small talk that Martin offers to the tape recorder. He tries so hard to keep it comforted, welcome in his home, looked after. It'd be wrong of course, to ignore it, even in his despair; others should always be put first.

Through tangled, rambling sentences, Martin manages to always explain away his own emotions, actions... To be visibly uncomfortable, unwelcoming, is wrong. He offers up his life, details of his existence, but talks them into offhanded mentions.

The subtle embarrassment he has for himself; a hallmark of much of English society. Everyone must be a self contained functioning person, lest they risk being 'odd', 'troubled', perhaps even 'disruptive'.

And as Martin's inhibitions fade, as his memories of everything grow dim, his instinctual desperation shows so painfully through. Desperately reaching for answers, as a child desperately holds their hand out for an absent parent.

Martin never had a safe person to reach for, someone always there for him. His father gone before he really knew who he was, his mother infinitely distainful... This abandonment mirrored by Jon's absence that floats into his mind in phases.

And even to be denied the pain, to forget what you were crying about, there's something terrible about it. Feeling the lump in your throat, the tears on your cheeks, but never really being sure why they were there, if they even are.

And the chairs. To be denied the simple comfort of a soft place to rest.

Martin's eventual return to his duties, caring for his mother, the subtle falsified joy he finds in it, and his decline into self hatred, blame. How easy it is for him to find his way back to a place of insecurity even when he has nothing to grasp onto.

And how strong he stays. How ready he is to shoulder the blame, to carry on, to be there for anyone who might need him, anything. It's all outside, and when he falls deeper into the fog his internal, pressed down emotions spill out.

All of Martin's fears come from a place of worrying he isn't enough, and this domain reduces him to a state where he is nothing; and yet, he prevails.

Motivational poster that says "Be your own body horror"

some twitter dot com shenanigans, might as well post this here too :D

Hello folks who enjoy TMA and WTNV, do you crave more audio content that is gay and spooky?

I have some recommendations for you!

@hellofromthehallowoods is a multilayered spooky narrative set in a sinister forest with a huge range of LGBTQ+ storythreads which weave in and out of one another. There are 85 episodes at time of writing and the fandom has been screaming about some of the most recent ones, and for good reason. There are transcripts on their website. Each episode has its own lovely artwork, and a patreon-exclusive bonus story.

@thenightpost tells the tale of conscripted postal workers in the strange setting of Gilt City, feat. a lot of queer love and found family. There are 38 episodes currently available and they're about halfway through Season Three at the moment. The plot is definitely thickening. Transcripts are linked from every episode in the shownotes. Their patreon offers early access to new episodes and some wonderful bonus stories.

@monstrousagonies is an advice show for monsters. enough said. but for good measure, it's softly spooky and has a lot of heart. There are 43 (edit: there are 71 I just can't read apparently sorry!) episodes already released, and many of them are written in response to prompts sent in by listeners to the show. The creator opens up submissions for episode prompts now and then, and submissions will be opening for Season Three fairly soon, so if you have a monstrous agony you'd like to see advised upon, keep your eyes peeled. Transcripts are available on the show website and their patreon offers some snazzy bonus bits.

There is also our own show, @spiritboxradio, the story of an unlikely radio show host who discovers he has a bigger part to play in the spooky events unfolding around them. The show is full of queer characters and aims for a growing sense of spookiness that builds as the show goes on. There are 69 (heh) episodes currently live and listenable, and you can get early access via our patreon, plus bonus content every Friday, including bonus stories, Creator's Notes, and a monthly behind-the-scenes podcast. Transcripts for every episode are available on our website.

All of these shows are made by LGBTQ+ folks. They're available on most places you find your podcasts. Is one of these shows not available on the platform you prefer? Drop an ask in our boxes and see if we might be able to change that.

The costume details nearly drove me insane, but I still love how they turned out, so have some close-ups! I’ll also post a WIP soon!