Dip-me-in-lava - I Dont Know What The Hell I’m Doing

Dont mind me just using tumblr to save mildly spicy art

When John and Arthur are in their 57th fight in the episode

Prince of Cats

Tybalt from William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (1996). Drawn on my iPad with Procreate.

does your heart ever go:

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡ ♡

♡ ♡

♡ eat the ♡

♡ rich ♡

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Things your friends with social anxiety disorder wish you knew:

Unlike the name implies, social anxiety is not fear of people or crowds. The illness is as likely to occur in extroverts as introverts.

My favorite definition is a phobia of humiliation.

So this can include many things, but it mainly comes down to others’ perceptions. SAD sufferers can be afraid of being seen as sloppy, ugly, inappropriate, perverted, crazy, dirty, whiny, incompetent, needy, immodest, slutty, impulsive, dirty, unstable, messy, clingy, cold, awkward, stupid, know-it-all, conceited, avoidant, rude, stuck-up, oversharing, prudish— you get the picture.

Read those words again. It’s not fear of being disliked. It’s fear of being humiliated. Being thought of as any of those things is specifically humiliating.

The fears range from taboo to simply embarrassing, however irrational.

We struggle to form beliefs, values, and self concept. Any interaction could leave us feeling guilty, either in the moment or (even more scary) out of nowhere, long after the interaction. Remembering my life is like rewatching a movie but sometimes it has a horror soundtrack at random. We think: it can’t all be bad. I must be overreacting. We’re left fumbling around, unable to identify which feelings are real.

Disappointing authority is terrifying. When we do mess up, we fear the worst possible consequence. When I was a freshman, I heard a rumor about myself from another kid. I had a panic attack lasting hours because I thought all my professors had heard and believed this thing of me.

We have a lot of physical symptoms. Stomach, bladder, tight shoulders, awkward, nervous mannerisms, a stutter. All these things are cyclical and make it worse. I have one wish and it is to be in a tight ball covered in spikes for the rest of my life.

It’s a porcupine. I wanna be a porcupine.

The illness is more likely to occur in someone with features that make them conspicuous such as weight issues, a tremor, no hair, or any other physical impairment.

Or, behavior symptoms like struggling to make eye contact, difficultly not interrupting, obvious learning issues, or being held back.

Not everyone is self conscious about these kinds of things, nor should they be. But those with social anxiety feel like there’s a neon sign over our heads listing whatever the stuff is.

It’s not unusual to use substances to lower inhibition and get through parties and meeting new people. Of course, this creates the circular problem of later being even more embarrassed. It’s just as normal to overcompensate with humor and bluntness. Personally, I don’t think “claiming it” is necessarily a good coping strategy. Transparency isn’t the same thing as vulnerability and also you have the right to privacy.

Shy isn’t a bad word. But shy isn’t a mental illness either. SAD is deep-seated clinical terror of being cringe.

We struggle to seek support. In reality, we’re going through it. We literally know we’re going through it. When the truthful answer to “hey, how was your day?” includes your experience of mental illness, you’re not going to give your real answer.

When we do seek support, it’s usually in the form of a joke. Remember what I said about transparency vs vulnerability. There’s clear like glass and there’s clear like plastic. Sometimes you have to get close and touch it to tell the difference.

We replay conversations obsessively in case maybe this time we won’t sound so weird in our own heads.

“Just be yourself!” is not helpful.

It’s not fair either. The sanest homie on the planet has no default “self.” We exist in context and community. You wouldn’t answer “uh just wear ur clothes?” to someone who was nervous about the dress code to an event or interview.

People with social anxiety can be charismatic

People with social anxiety can have depression

People with social anxiety may be rude, snarky, or prickly because they’re so uncomfortable. Think April Ludgate. This is actually a lot more common than traditional “shy” behavior.

Or they might be super nice and fawning.

Or totally frozen and awkward.

What we want most is compassion. But how can you expect or ask for such a thing with all the features that come with this illness?

Just because we complain in anticipation doesn’t mean we don’t want to do something. I can know I’m gonna have a great time at a party, and in fact have a great time, but be miserable the week leading up to it. It’s mixed messages but I don’t really wanna be talked out of my life.

There’s literally so many ways this can play put and I think it’s as applicable to Tumblr as anywhere. ❤️

YOU WANNA GET RID OF THOSE STUPID FUCKING WATERMARKS?

Just get your picture

CHOOSE the fucking smudge tool dude

and WAM

bitches love a man plagued by eye imagery

I painted this a while ago but forgot to post it

@morethanfantasy i’m in the airport and i have a few ophelia thoughts left rattling around in my skull so let’s do this

i think the thing that makes ophelia so fascinating to me out of all the characters in hamlet is that we never really get to see what she’s thinking. every scene she’s in, every interaction she has, is colored in a certain level of uncertainty, because the complicated power dynamics involved mean it’s hard to tell what’s genuine and what’s a carefully curated persona to survive in elsinore. take her first scene with polonius. i’ve played it several different ways in the past: she’s genuinely confused about hamlet and wants his advice, she’s fully in love but he’s kinda talking her out of it, she’s rolling her eyes behind his back… we don’t actually ever get her take on this scene, so textually any of them could be a correct read.

The only time that Ophelia speaks directly to the audience and not to another character is directly after the nunnery scene. Hamlet runs out and Ophelia spends a few lines lamenting his change (lines that tell us a lot about the previous dynamics at elsinore and i think could be incorporated into design and directing choices a lot more), and then Polonius and Claudius leave their hiding place and discuss what to do next.

While this monologue could be read as Ophelia telling us her true feelings, I have two problems with that. First: she doesn’t? really? say anything?? don’t get me wrong, hamlet being the rose of elsinore’s court is fascinating, but it doesn’t tell us anything about how ophelia feels. it doesn’t tell us if she loves him, if she stopped loving him, if they’ve had sex and she’s freaking out cause now he’s said that he’ll never marry her (something that she may well be thinking based on the mad scenes). even when talking to the audience, she’s putting up a bit of a front. she’s telling us much less than we think she is.

Second (and this may explain the first): the entire conceit of this scene is that ophelia is being observed. claudius and polonius are watching from hiding the whole time, and while hamlet may or may not know that, ophelia is perfectly aware of it the whole time. she’s still performing because she’s still being watched. she can’t scream in anger or punch the wall or laugh hysterically or respond with any genuine emotional reaction because she’s still under her father and the king’s censorious eyes. It’s appropriate. The one time ophelia seems to speak her own thoughts, and she’s not really alone, just pretending to be, in front of the most powerful people in the world. hamlet may be fucking around with metatheatricality, but ophelia’s the one who’s really on a stage.

a lot of shakespeare plays have characters that never really talk to the audience directly. it’s normal. but it would be a very different experience if we never knew what juliet was feeling, or whether regan truly loved her father, or if malcolm wanted his country back. and it’s especially fascinating that we have this inscrutable character here, in the introspection play! i’d argue that we can tell what pretty much any of the other characters are feeling based on genuine conversations and monologues, which makes ophelia a fascinating foil to the obsessively introspective hamlet. how much different would the story be if the perspectives were flipped, if we got ophelia’s thoughts and not hamlet’s? would her inner monologue look like his or something completely different? i could spend YEARS trying to develop a coherent idea of ophelia’s psyche and i’d never know if it’s true.

and of COURSE that expresses itself in ophelia’s madness. hamlet makes jokes and puns and messes with his clothes and acts like he’s smarter than everyone else. ophelia starts fully speaking in code. you need 5 layers of context, some of which is known only by her, to follow what she’s saying. it does seem like it all has a meaning, though. my read on it is that for the first time in her life ophelia is able to say exactly what she thinks, without couching it in politics or politeness, by using songs and references and obliqueness so that none of the people around her have any idea what she’s saying to their faces. is that intentional on her part? up to interpretation. she might have truly been driven mad by grief and fear and powerlessness and this is the only way she can make sense of the world now. she may have simply decided to quit the power games of elsinore and is entirely lucid. (side note, it’s definitely relevant that scholars have been having the is-the-madness-real discussion about both hamlet and ophelia for ages. more parallels!) the point is, we’ll never know. we’ll never know if her death was a suicide, an accident, or a murder. in a play where we know everything about hamlet, we know next to nothing about ophelia.

personally, i think that tells us quite a lot. hamlet has some fascinating power dynamics, and the fact that even the structure of the play gives hamlet freedom to express himself at length while taking away ophelia’s voice is a clever way to show their positions in elsinore and the way that the social structure traps characters in the narrative. it also shows us our own blind spots as an audience, if we’re willing to see them. while the play is all too willing to show us the story of hamlet, there’s another story going on that it does its best to obscure from us. by the time we see that something invisible is going on with ophelia, it’s too late. it’s the mad scene and she’s already gone.