Listen, Phoenix Is Precious. A Love Struck Dumbass Bisexual Disaster, Yes, But Still A Precious Little

Gentle reminder that when I say something isn’t my best work, it’s because my art brain does fantastic sketches in like grayscale or whatever that are usually extremely messy- the example I’m about to show is like, on its third or fourth clean up sketch- but the MINUTE I go to render it my art stops arting. Shading with colors? Who? Never met them.

And it’s painful because I was a color pencil artist WHO FUCKING KILLS IT with a set of prismacolors by the way, always have, but I try to absolutely murder the render and;

It become soup. I don’t know what happens to my concept of dimension the minute I render but something happens because as much as I want to make this sketch into a finished piece, the minute I try it’s going to look like soup. So I’m just gonna stop touching it.

Lmk if anyone else has this problem or how to solve it, cause….

I do not appreciate the soup.

….

I feel the need to say again, that I am in fact, NOT a Tahitian clam, and don’t produce pearls, much less from my cooter, and would appreciate it if I wasn’t treated as such.

Also to that nurse who told me the speculum would ‘tickle’, WHAT THE FJUCK FREAK SHIT DO YOU GET UP TO IN YOUR SPARE TIME THAT, THAT SENSATION SPECIFICALLY IS A “TICKLE”?!?!

Anyways I unfortunately have to get it done AGAIN because the nurse disregarded me telling them that hey; I was on my period, and that I might be bleeding too heavily for them to get a good cell sample.

But what do I know, right? It’s not like this uterus of mine is attached to me specifically or anything…

I got my first pap done today.

If I never see another speculum again it’ll be too fucking soon.

It came in bouts.

Terrible things happened when I was around five. My father had been abusing my mother in front of me. Verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, you name it he did it. That’s right around the time your memories start by the way. That was probably the first time I actually wanted to die. I didn’t understand it, but I’d play dead in my bedroom, hoping that if I laid there hard enough it would just… happen. Thought that I wouldn’t be missed. Who was gonna pay attention to a corpse when there was a screaming match outside your door, right? My parents divorced soon after, but my father still wasn’t done with causing damage, so he sabotaged my mother’s credit score. It’s hard to be happy kid when your mother is crawling into your bed at night as a child, not in fear of her own life, but later learning she was in fear for yours. And then when you finally see her no longer in fear for your lives you then see her bone tired and pushing herself to the limit to make rent and feed two growing kids, and get a college degree your father kept her from getting, all while working three jobs? Shit was rough. Ate a lot of tv dinners to get by for a while. Sometimes the toilet paper was more appetizing and cheaper at the time, so I would sometimes eat that like a little creature because it made the hunger stop for a little while.

When I was six I was sexually abused by a family member she trusted to watch us while at work.

I was abused again around that same age by my father’s girlfriend’s son, who was a large bit older than me, though it wasn’t as direct.

My dad would physically and verbally abuse me when I was over at his house for the weekends. He’d let his girlfriends do it too if, because they would try to be my “new mommy” and it wouldn’t work because their vibes were horrendous and they always assumed it was because they were taking away my dad’s attention from me, when he didn’t even give it to me in the first place if it wasn’t in his interests or to save face. Sometimes there were no snacks because he would always date almond moms who couldn’t stand us ‘free-grazing’. So sometimes I just went hungry, even when I was in a sport.

Things didn’t start getting better till I was around eight or nine. And not by much. I got diagnosed with ADHD, but my mental health issues got so much worse around puberty. I didn’t know how to make friends because I was so reclused into myself by that point. I kind of just did my own thing. Nobody really seemed to want to keep me around anyways, and I really tried.

Things were okay for awhile when I was ten and eleven.

When I was twelve my mental shit came to a head. I found a group of friends, but I had to annoy them in order to stick around. I was determined then. They ended up ditching me when I was way older anyways so that blew. I got braces. Started therapy. There were a lot of tears and old wounds reopened. At one point I was homeless and couch surfing because my dad refused to forfeit visitation rights even though he was evicted from his condo. That was a trip. Sometimes I would have to have a sleep over with a friend just to get a shower because he wouldn’t pay utilities. Sometimes when he was single there was nothing in the house to eat, and we would be stuck with nothing until he came home from work. Sometimes he would kick us out and lock us out of the house in the middle of the day during the Florida summers to make us “get off our lazy asses.”

Things didn’t start looking up really for my emotional state till I was about 14.

Then I turned 16 and one of my family members died. Was in a car accident while driving my first vehicle (wasn’t at fault. But damn. It was scary). After that things were better, but to be honest? They’re still kinda shit.

I’m 21 now.

So your answer?

Worst years of my life:

5yrs old - 9 yrs old

12 yrs old - 14 yrs old

16yrs old - 18yrs old

…and now I’m doing better. Not completely OK. Not even good really. but better than I can really remember being in a long ass while.

Nowadays I’m just stressed with school and work all the time. Not really super happy or fulfilled yet either, but I’m assuming that’s pretty normal for my generation.

How old were you at the lowest point in your life? Reblog this and put it in the tags, plus your current age maybe. I'm trying to see something.

He still faked his death and ran away for a year but yeah he did in the end

"I can fix him"

Literally the only person, who ever managed that, was Phoenix Wright.

Botany: You don’t know where that’s been, but it might be yummy. Go for it- worst case scenario you die discovering a new poison.

Astronomy I-

Ah fuck it, I’ve decided that I’m gonna cave and write fanfiction for the first time in my life. The gay lawyers done did me in yall. Time to write some tooth rotting, brain go leaky leaky mush squish fluff.

Might link it later. Just been in a rut with art atm (I’m frustrated my old apple pen isn’t backwards compatible with the upgrade I got, it’s bullshit, I’ve been basically finger painting this whole time with no pressure sens or control, it’s annoying) so my creativity is going elsewhere before I pop like an over-inflated balloon.

This was me in the second grade. They’d ask me to explain my answer in math, and I’d scribble down “you’d know if you paid attention in class” because I was sick of their shit and writing stuff out was something I hated doing.

If I could get away with responding this way in college, I would….. I won’t even lie to yall.

thumbnail sketches who? Never heard of em.

The worst part is even if I do thumbnail sketch I end up hating it after five minutes and redrawing it anyways.

Aquarium date!

Total work time 109 min

Okay and how is he planning on policing what is essentially nicknames???? Bitch I just won’t respond. You can’t make me. Call me by my preferred name or it’s not mine.

People be mad over the most inconsequential shit. Go fix the global warming crisis or the homelessness you useless wet paper towel of a human.

Oh wait, sorry, I apologize. That’s insulting to weak wet paper towels. At least those can be recycled.

do you know anyone asexual person irl?