Things Abusers Do To Sabotage You From Leaving, Or ‘Why You Can’t Just Leave’:
Things abusers do to sabotage you from leaving, or ‘Why you can’t just leave’:
Parental
convince you that you couldn’t survive without them and you wouldn’t be able to support yourself or make it out there alone
refuse to teach you survival skills, find excuses like 'you’re too clumsy, you’re not capable, you wont be able to do this’
convince you of 'catastrophic events’ that would take place if you were out there; homelessness, starvation, social rejection, failing at everything, financial struggles, kidnapping, murder
convince you that the world is a scary place and you’d be a failure and dead 'in the real world’
traumatize you to the point where you struggle to get thru the day, which now also makes it seem like you wouldn’t be able to make it on your own
talk you out of finding work, tell you about awful things that would happen to you if you went and found a job, try to make you to 'work for them’ or at least in the close area
if you find work, they claim a part or entirety of your income, making sure you don’t have escape money
regularly make you feel ashamed of not being able to be independant, and letting you know that only people who are able to be independant deserve to have freedom and place out in the real world
guilt-trip you to feel like you owe them caretaking because they raised you, so you’re owing them to stay and take care of them instead of living your own life
Emotional
complain about how 'everyone abandons them’ in order to make you feel like you’re just 'one of the bad ones who betrayed them’ if you think about leaving
every time you try to leave, they overwhelm you with a new incident, sickness or drama that makes it seem like you’re abandoning them in the middle of a tragedy
act overly attached to you, making sure you know that if you left, they wouldn’t know what to do without you, and they’d be heartbroken, but still they refuse to respect your boundaries
convince you that you’re “all they’ve got”, you’re special and unique to them, only you can understand and help them
love-bomb you until you’re attached and bonded to them to the point where leaving feels unimaginably painful because you’d be losing your closest person in the world
begging, pleading, acting like they gave you no reason to leave, promising to change, promising to do anything you’ve wanted to happen for a long time, making you feel like things are just about to get good and like they regret everything bad they’ve ever done
launching an attack on your persona, pointing out every time you did something 'bad’ and insisting that you’re actually the worst of the two, so you can’t blame them for anything
guilt trips; reminding you of everything they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you are, reminding you of all of the nice things you’ve said about them before, asking if it ever meant anything, accusing you of being heartless if you go, of never loving them, of mistreating them, accusing you of being toxic, deciding you’re hurting them on purpose if you leave
deciding you’re leaving because of their specific problem/situation/disability/illness that you’ve always been considerate and supportive about (another guilt trip)
say it’s “your fault they’ll never get better” with whatever you were helping them with
deciding you only want to leave because of your unhealthy trust issues or 'you push people away’ or 'misinterpret things because of your trauma’ and asking you to be honest with yourself
asking you to explain in detail why you feel the need to leave, only to attack your reasoning and explain it all away and minimize it to make it seem like you have no good reason for leaving
tell you that 'nobody will ever love you again’ if you leave
threaten to expose your most vulnerable secrets if you leave
threaten to hurt themselves if you leave
Psychological
gaslight you into doubting whether you’re abused, to the point where you feel like you’re exaggerating, going insane, remembering things wrong, and unsure if the problem is you or them
time an event of abuse specifically when you’re trying to work on something, or you’re immensely stressed and trying to meet a deadline, so you’d be too overwhelmed with fear/anger/grief, and can’t make your work in time
regularly having intense violent or dramatic reactions to your harmless behaviour, making you feel like you can’t predict what they’ll do if you leave or how that could end for you
support your codependency on them, or financially support your addiction, so you feel tied to them and have to go back to them in order to feel normal again
undermine and trash your work, imply or outright say your work is stupid, meaningless, badly done, and not worth doing, trying to discourage you from working
verbally assault you and criticize your work to the point where you start to feel anxious and upset whenever you’re working, making work a trauma trigger for you
punish you for 'lying to them’ if you fail to mention something, making it clear that you will get hurt every time you make any move they don’t like, which makes it even more scary to leave
threaten to make a suicide attempt if you leave
threaten to hurt you if you leave
threaten to report you and try to get you imprisoned for a real or imagined crime if you leave
threaten to have you admitted to a mental institution (or any other kind of institution) where you’ll be even more controlled
threatening your family members, loved ones, friends, and/or pets, saying horrid things they would do to them if you dared to disobey or leave
threaten to find you and drag you back and hurt you if you try to leave
say outright they’re going to kill you if you ever leave, or that they’d rather have you dead than gone
Social Isolation
create insecurities in your behaviour, repeatedly imply or claim you’re too loud, obnoxious, sensitive, crazy, stupid, clueless, demanding, nagging, until you’re worried that everyone is secretly judging you and the world feels against you
take apart your appearance until you feel too insecure and lose confidence in socializing or meeting new people, constantly feeling like you need to 'fix yourself’ first
demean and condemn your personality, appearance, social standing, finances, capabilities, to the point where they decide you can’t do any better than them and you should feel lucky anyone is tolerating you at all
inflict punishments on you for socializing or hanging out with new people; break your things, throw jealous tantrums, ask why they’re not enough for you, go thru your things, rage
violate your privacy and take away things you need in order for them to control when you’re allowed to have them
smear-campaign you; spread lies about what you were like to them so everyone sides with them, and blames you and tells you what to do (exactly what the abuser wants you to do)
turn your family members and friends against you, and make sure they’ll be unnaccepting of you and refuse to help you if you try to leave
Physical
Physically assaulting you if you do something they don’t want you to do, making it clear they’re going to hurt you for any attempt at leaving them as well
Physically assault you if you try, or say you’re going to leave
Inflict injuries on you that will prevent you from working/being independent
Stalking, making it known they can always find you and seek revenge if you dare to leave
Influencing other people to stalk you and let him know where you are and what you’re doing; making you feel like you’re always being watched and always surrendered by their influence
hurt themselves physically if you make an attempt, or even say that you’re leaving
attempt suicide if you make an attempt of leaving
attempt at murder if you try to leave
Financial
create and maintain a financial situation where they are the only one having income, and they’re able to control how much money you get to spend
withhold financial knowledge from you so you’d be clueless about their finances, and managing finances in general (you can’t get an idea of how much money it takes to get thru a month)
refuse to give you your right to keep your money separately from theirs
create financial trouble that you have to solve, taking up all of your savings in the process
take your money without asking, and the amount you’d never consent to, and they give you excuses and pretend it was 'necessary’
accuse you of 'spending irresponsibly’ as an excuse to confiscate or control the money you have on your person (or in your account)
throw a fit if they find out you have any money on you that they’re not aware of/have approved of (if you borrow or win or earn money that they didn’t give you)
make sure you’re overwhelmed with tasks and problems and emotional trauma, to the point where you don’t have a chance to get out and find a job, or go and look for resources for getting out of abuse
stand against you getting more education, or starting any new activities with people around you (making sure you don’t get any social connections that could lead to a job)
get you fired from a job by spreading lies or calling in and harassing the employer about you
forcing you to spend any money they know you have saved up, so you’d have no money to plan escape
It is NOT EASY to leave, and statistically it takes several attempts to leave an abusive situation. Be aware that it’s hard because they’re sabotaging your every step, not because you’re not doing enough. Abusers often wont show their abusive side until they’re absolutely sure that you have nowhere else to live, and no other place to go. All of the things on this list are psychologically damaging, and terrifying to live thru. All of this is abuse. Nobody has the right to tell you this is your fault. Keep trying. Keep fighting.
If you’re struggling to leave an abusive situation, here’s an article on How to Leave an Abuser.
More Posts from Deathtoyouandtoyours and Others
an impossible reality
If this doesnt yell that Satanyahu has a boner for hitler idk what does. They are copying everything the nazi germany did. Thats why I will be saying forever that israel is the new nazi germany and zionists are nazies.
Nobody in their right mind woud be defending hitler, ever. There will be day when israel has to pay for what they have done.
Holy shit. The Israeli whistleblower story CNN just broke is insane. I cannot believe what I’m reading
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away**
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
"Oh hey 23 isn't so bad. I wonder what the threshold is."
Three... just three...
**they want me to work or go to school but they dont seem to want me to be independent
Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.
Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.
One time in grade 11 band class I let a girl go through my iPod and she started laughing and I was like "What's funny" and she read out loud, "Papa Roach, Breaking Benjamin, MCR, Get Scared, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails... and then fuckign Pussycat Dolls?!"
And I'm never gonna forget that
Hello, can you please reblog or publish a post for my campaign? Due to the weakness of donations, they pass slowly as ice. I hope you can help me. A small amount like $10 will be more than useful to help me and my family. Thank you for everything💔🙏
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Farah is #310 on the Vetted Fundraisers List‼️
Right now, donated money is being used to help us survive this war. Food is very expensive and my family has to pay rent for the land that our tent is on. However, I want to save up enough money to evacuate my family to a safer place where we can rebuild our lives. I dream of returning to university to finish my computer science degree. I want to provide a better life for my family than is possible in Gaza. My family and I have many dreams we would like to fulfill after this war. We are grateful to everyone who donated and helps us during this time of suffering. Thank you for reading
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Guys please help them if you can. I currently have no money, but I'm spreading this. If you also have no money, you can help by spreading awareness
Being an older sibling, and seeing a younger sibling upset will never stop being painful.
It only adds to the pain when you aren't equally close to all of them, and the one with the most distance is the one in need of help.
We've never been overly close, and they seldom, if ever, come to me for help. Our parents were more gentle raising them, so they grew up healthier and more independent. That's a bit of a double edged sword, though. I could at least try to calm the others down and encourage them, but not this time. They probably don't want me to, and I wouldn't know how, even if they did.
It's strange how people who grew up in such close quarters, with the same parents have such drastically different connections with each other. The rest of us a close-knit clique, with a thin, frail connection to that island. It's not like any of us deliberately excluded each other growing up, and it's not like any of us saw it coming. It's no fault of our own, and it's upsetting, but that's the way things came out.
I searched for cptsd.... Why is... Why? Why the eating disorder hotline. Let me make myself cry over my own trauma in peace. I keep digging up new things at least once a week
Everything okay?
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you are not alone.
If you are in the United States, please try:
National Eating Disorders Association (support, resources, treatment options)
If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find help lines related to eating disorders for your country.
For self-help courses on body image and general peer support, please try Koko.
If you need some inspiration and comfort on your dashboard, follow Post It Forward on Tumblr.
It's so hard to not feel guilty about being upset at the people who mistreated you. Especially parents.
"But she gave me soup and stuff when I was sick. She even cried when I told her I was having dark thoughts."
Yes but she also basically told me to end myself, showed clear favoritism, frequently used corporal punishment, and a whole laundry list of other things.
It's so hard because she hasn't done too many harmful things as of recent. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it almost feels like I'm being overly dramatic about it now. It almost feels like maybe it was all in my head in the first place.
Then I remember that I was so desperate to get away when I was younger. Desperate enough to think about taking drastic measures. Desperate enough to dream about someone just taking me away from my family.
And then I feel guilty again five minutes later
What if it was years ago, and they didn't exactly try to change, but things aren't as bad as they used to be.
I still feel the pain, but she's has been too terrible recently so I would feel bad if I finally left after all this time. After being a jobless shut in due to depression and possibly autism....
You don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the people who hurt you.
No, "but they're your family."
No, "but you used to be friends."
No, "but you have to put up with it because they're your partner."
No.
If someone hurts you repeatedly and there is no indication of them trying to do better, you are allowed to dislike contact with them.
So many people feel guilt over not wanting to be around people that intentionally hurt them.
It's not wrong of you to want distance.
It's not wrong of you to want to be treated well.
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