*hears The Sound Of Feet Skin Smacking A Tile Floor Come Closer* *whispers* He's Here

I want to thundercunt the thunder cunt

Watching Resident Evil playthroughs sped up is so unserious

Me and a friend were talking about smut books and they described one as 'homoerotic'.

But I heard Homer erotic.

So, naturally, I asked, 'What does Odysseus have to do with this?'

@ask-and-i-answer I'm sorry. Are we still getting married? Please say yes. 🥺🙏🫰

hey bestie!!! loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you loving you

There was a dude who looked like Elon Musk in the ER.

Fuckin' Finally

FYI to sick or disabled folks and those who assist or care for them:  Simplicity patterns has a new line of adaptive sewing patterns.  Designs include tops with port access, clothing with velcro closures, bags and cushions for mobility aids, bibs, chemo hats, and more.

I’m excited about these because they are the first patterns of this kind I’ve seen anywhere.  And Simplicity patterns are great for beginning sewists, with very clear step by step instructions and illustrations.

Patterns can be purchased here:  https://simplicity.com/simplicity/adaptive/

;

Me: You know how to play the fiddle???

You go to hell, but Satan tells you he’ll send you to heaven if you can beat him in one game of your choice.

Me on a Girl Scout trip while eating cookies and watching a Broadway show: Is that cocaine?

(The girl next to me had pulled out a little bag of white rubber bands for their braces)

Incorrect og 6 quotes god I miss them

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Bruce: Natasha, i knight thee in the name of the father-

Steve: *waves*

Bruce: the son-

Thor: *dabs*

Bruce: and the unholy spirit

Tony: *screeching*

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Clint: i may be the worst out of the avengers but i still have the best ass

Steve: that’s not true

Clint: *starts sobbing* i know your ass is amazing

Steve: that’s not what i meant. your ass is great and i value you as a teammate-

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Thor: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Tony: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Clint: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

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Steve: Natasha, keep an eye on Tony today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Natasha: Sure, I’d love to see Tony get punched.

Steve: Try again.

Natasha, sighing: I will stop Tony from getting punched.

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Natasha: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

Bruce: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

Clint: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Thor: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Tony: My moral code, is that you?

Steve:

Natasha: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my sister left me but do you guys need a hug?

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Steve: You're a loose cannon, Tony.

Tony: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Natasha: I think you play by your own rules.

Thor: No way, he think rules were made to be broken.

Steve: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Tony: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Hulk is a loose cannon.

Hulk: *smashes a chair*