Over High Garden Walls, This Sweet Echo Falls, As A Soldier Boy Whispers Goodbye.

Dried dandelion flowers 🌻 I will be using them to make dandelion infused oil and a salve, useful for aching muscles/joints and dry skin.

this is a rant, but i feel like i need it.

all of high school i submersed myself

with band

and it was quite competitive, really.

so much self hate,

surrounded by both the kindest people and

the most self-absorbed losers.

i really beat myself up trying to climb the hierarchy.

i even tried to quit when it became

too much to handle.

gaslit into staying, i still felt unwelcome.

i wasn’t necessarily on the bottom, i was

a section leader and was loved by my

section.

i still craved a sense of belonging.

marching didn’t come easily to me,

not like it did for most everyone else.

i couldn’t physically do it and i just figured

maybe i’m not pushing myself like everybody

else?

maybe i’m just lazy and don’t want to put the work in?

but that’s not how i truly felt.

i was going to physical therapy but nothing

was improving.

maybe everybody else is in pain too,

and i’m the only one not pushing through it.

constantly beating myself over the head

and then sitting out for reps.

i really did feel terribly embarrassed.

turns out all along i’ve had a rare genetic

connective tissue disorder.

And what the hell is Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome anyways?

I often wonder what I could’ve done differently

for my friends to have liked me.

I understand why many peeled off when

i had a kid,

but i felt the falling out way before that.

perhaps i get too excited that i drive people away.

it just feels terrible that i don’t have friends

that i can look back on the memories and laugh.

all i feel is hurt.

i’m getting married next year.

i won’t have any bridesmaids

or a maid of honor.

just the strange faces of my siblings

that have also outgrown me,

and the parents i worked so hard to leave.

travis’s family beside mine,

in a broken room

listening to broken music

with our broken families.

i almost would rather not have a wedding.

i have close to nobody

and my only happiness is within travis and niamh.

Another plant update, they love the new window spots

haiku

the act to conjure

a haiku may take patience

and finger counting.

Tree hugger☺️

War

Relentless thick walls

Divide our society in half,

Blue skies are enveloped

By melancholy clouds.

We're deeply enmeshed in this war,

That can only be demolished

When we can

Coexist in consonance.

~ceramic-feelings

I can't sleep

Even in the darkest hours

My eyes lie bright and open

Not to be faltered by dreariness.

I go three nights,

Wide awake,

And silent during the most boring nights

Of my whole life.

And once again,

I lie awake at 7:14am on Tumblr

Complaining about my inability

To rest my thoughts

Because maybe they're overcoming me

And maybe i'm so consumed

That they wont let me go.

My thoughts won't complete,

And I can hear them cycling

All at once in my head.

I just lay here,

And my thoughts have become

So unfathomable.

I can't hear the words of my own thoughts,

I can only feel the colors.

Pink pouring out of my ears,

Yellow from my eyes,

Red throughout my fingers as I type.

My eyelids, relentless.

I have no purpose in sleep.

~ceramic-feelings

The tears trickle down my cheek

And slither down my neck,

Pooling in the crevice of my collarbone

Until they begin the overflow.

~ceramic-feelings

a grain of sand on the beach

sifted by undulations,

where the ocean can reach—

sinking deeper in the tidal invasion.

You have a nice chest. You should show it off more in your photo posts here.

My chest?

You mean like this?