[insp. & Insp.]

BLOODBORNE | Scenery

YOU hates terfs

“You need to stop seeing [Villain].”

“Well I can’t exactly stand them up, now can I? That would be rude.”

The hero was walking around, getting ready for their hang-out session with the villain, while their colleague annoyingly trailed behind them.

“Am I the only one who sees how insane this is? They’re a villain.”

“Plaid or graphic tee?” the hero asked, holding up a shirt in each hand.

“I should hardly think that matters.”

“You’re right. It’s not like our clothes will be staying on very long anyways.” The hero grinned at the way the other superhero flushed.

Still, their colleague pressed on. “How is this not a conflict of interest?”

The hero shrugged. “We compartmentalize,” they said, pulling on the plaid shirt. “Enemies in the streets – ”

“You don’t need to finish that sentence.”

“ – fuckbuddies in the sheets.”

Their colleague sighed.

“Why, [Colleague], I never would have marked you for a prude.”

“Look, what you do in your personal life is your business …”

“Glad we’re agreed.”

“ … except when it puts the residents of this city at risk.”

The hero rolled their eyes. “Have you always been this dramatic?” They walked into the bathroom and picked up their toothbrush.

“You are vulnerable when you’re with [Villain].”

“And they’re vulnerable with me. That’s kind of how intimacy works.” They applied toothpaste and started brushing.

Their colleague shook their head, leaning against the doorframe. “I don’t get it. Why are you so insistent on staying with them?”

The hero peered at their reflection and smiled. There were lots of reasons.

Things were open between the hero and villain, and they both had other partners. But none of the hero’s other friends with benefits had both Smash Bros and DDR. And none of them could do that thing with their tongue where …

Well, let’s just say the villain was a very talented individual.

Plus …

“[Villain] is literally the only other aroallo person I know,” they said, after spitting out their toothpaste.

The hero’s other partners accepted them, and didn’t expect anything romantic from them. But none of them quite got it the way the villain did.

Their colleague looked away. “I’m sure that’s very valuable for you …”

“Yeah, it is. You have no idea how much.” The hero wiped their mouth. “You’ve never felt the loneliness of thinking you’re the only person like yourself in the whole goddamn world.”

Their colleague looked up, meeting their gaze with a grim expression. “You’re right. I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

The hero let out a breath. “But you still think I’m being selfish.”

“Yes.”

The hero nodded. They could appreciate the honesty, at least.

“I’m about to start pissing,” they said, gesturing to the toilet. “So if you don’t mind …”

Their colleague straightened. “I’ll go wait in the other room.”

“It might be best if you just let yourself out. [Villain] will be here pretty soon to pick me up.”

Their colleague didn’t look happy, but they gave a single nod. “We’ll talk about this another time.”

“Can’t wait.”

When they heard the front door shut behind their colleague, the hero’s shoulders loosened, and they let out a sigh.

They could see where their colleague was coming from. Really. But they just didn’t understand the villain like the hero did.  

And, frankly, it was none of their business.

The hero stared at themself in the mirror for a moment, then patted their cheeks a couple times. They had an amazing evening ahead of them, they just had to focus on that.

And try not to let the rest of it bother them.

The time I publicly destroyed a bigot in Starbucks

This might sound fake but I assure you, my life is stranger than fiction.

Me, minding my own beeswax: I’ll get a large warm milk please!

Some guy: under his breath Warm milk? Get a life.. they don’t even sell that here

Barista: Actually yeah we do sell warm milk, does that bother you?

Some guy: Rolls eyes imagine actually drinking that

Me: I don’t have to imagine grabs my warm milk and takes a good sassy swig

The guy: Notices my ace pin Oh so you’re an aceggot? So you just don’t get laid? That figures

Me: Yup, I’m a proud “aceggot” and that has nothing to do with my preferences in beverages

Woman behind me: Did you seriously just call that person an aceggot? What kind of world are we living in!?

Me: Yep, I’m used to it though.. That’s what you get for being openly asexual it seems!

The guy: I’m literally a gay man and I won’t let you Jesus freak aces shame me for having gay sx, people like you are hurting my community. I’m gonna go have SX with my boyfriend

Me: Uhhhh buddy you were the one shaming me for buying warm milk and now you’re shoving the image of s*x down a sex repulsed ace’s throat… Not a good look. And yes, I’m a proud Jesus freak!

Woman: I’ve been an out asexual woman since the 80s and let me tell you, mr. Gay, we have done nothing but further acceptance for your community and carry your community on our backs.

Me: You have the nerve to talk down to an asexual elder? Really?

Barista: Throws water on the bigoted guy

Barista: Well… I might lose my job for this but at least I can say it was worth it

Me: picks up my warm milk and pours it on his head

Bigot: I HATE ASEXUALS AND ASEXUALITY. YOU ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN.

Me: loudly and proudly Another warm milk please, on the house! I think I’m owed it

Barista: You know it!

Bigot: storms out crying

I couldn’t figure out if I was in love with/attracted to my best friend or if I just really liked the best friends to lovers trope

okay alloaros let's play a game, shall we? start as follows, and reblog this post with your own answer(s)! I'll start 🍍

"I should've known I was alloaro when..."

I once described my ideal relationship as just having a close friend who I'm comfortable fucking around with, figuratively and literally lol.

to every wlw/sapphic who sees this, and runs an active blog:

please reblog this if aro sapphics can interact with your blog. it's crazy that I have to say this (again), but it's extremely hard finding aro-positive wlw blogs, without coming across something even mildly negative towards aro sapphics.

doing it this way, I have a better idea of where to get my daily dose of sapphic content. thanks for your cooperation 🌻

from your local, tired, aro (aphrodite) lesbian,

-Y.

I really hope Tumblr can maintain the joke long enough that a fake movie we all fever-dreamed into existence has more fanworks about it than the fourth highest grossing movie of all time.

Hi! I love your writing and adore your Fivan one shots so if your still taking prompts I would love to see one where everyone in the little palace ( Genya, Zoya, The Darling etc ) finds out about Fivans relationship. Please and thank you!

Aha, my request for prompts was quite a while ago, but since I can never resist the opportunity for Shenanigans, especially of the Fivan variety, here you go.

Nadia finds out first. She, in fact, does not even need to be actually told. Fedyor is creeping down the stairs in the early morning with tousled hair and a kefta that has spent all night on the floor of Ivan's bedroom, mind filled with nothing but jumbled images and sensations and oh Saints did that finally really happen?, and as a result, is not paying attention in the least to where he is going. He walks bang into his friend, there is a mutual moment of consternation as they stumble backward and clutch their heads and apologize, and then Nadia gets a good look. Fedyor has tried to arrange his collar to hide the most obvious bites, but it doesn't matter. Her eyes go wide as saucers. "Oh my," she says. "Did it finally happen?"

"Did... what... finally happen?"

"Fedyor Kaminsky, don't even try that." Nadia points a finger at him. "You know damn well what I'm talking about."

Fedyor looks at the floor, which doesn't help. A small smile starts to overtake his mouth. This is as good as hiring the entire First Army drum-and-trumpet brigade to parade around announcing the news, he knows, but he can't help it. "Maybe."

"Maybe." Nadia utters a scoff that is twice her size. "That is a question with a yes-or-no answer, you idiot."

Fedyor's lips pull wider. So do Nadia's.

"Oh," she crows, punching the air. "I knew it."

-----

Zoya, Ivan's old nemesis from training and their shared but completely exclusive belief that Kirigan should pay attention only to their advice at all times, also picks it up by inference. In her case, it's because she sees Ivan actually smiling when Fedyor is standing closely next to him, filling him in on some item of Heartrender miscellany, rather than looking as if this is the worst thing to happen in his entire life. When Fedyor touches Ivan's wrist briefly and slips off, Zoya's suspicions are confirmed. She stomps up and demands, "Really?"

Ivan whirls around, sees her, and glares. "Did you need something?"

"Fedyor?" Zoya still hasn't processed. "But he's so nice! Did he hit his head or wake up having forgotten his entire life to this date? I'm having a hard time thinking what else he can possibly see in you."

Ivan crosses his arms across his chest, fixing her with an even greater stare of total death, but she refuses to back down. "I don't know what you're talking about, Nazyalensky," he barks. "If you're not going to train that new cohort of Squallers, then -- "

"Fine." Zoya turns on her heel, then adds over her shoulder, "He's much too good for you, you know."

Ivan stares at her implacably. He does not, however, deny either this fact or the reason for it, and Zoya, smugly, takes that as a win.

------

Genya knows soon too, but then, Genya knows more or less everything that happens in the Little Palace by virtue of her position. The queen and her ladies are very gossipy, and when one of the younger ones starts going on about that Fedyor Kaminsky, he's such a dish, so handsome, what's his situation, Genya feels obliged to speak up and provide some gentle clarification. "I'm afraid he's already taken," she says. "And you won't want to tangle with his partner. It's... well, it's Ivan, the general's right-hand man."

The reactions, of course, are predictable: "Ivan?" spoken in increasingly incredulous tones. "Ivan? Ivan! IVAN. IVAN?!!"

"But he's so...." one of the ladies protests. "So terribly rude."

Genya smothers a wry smile. "Apparently Fedyor doesn't mind."

-------

Kirigan finds out last, and most mortifyingly. Fedyor and Ivan have been together for four months at this point, are returning to the Little Palace from their first separation as a couple and have some making up for lost time to do. They have not managed to make it to a bedroom and are getting started on said actions on the wall of a nearby antechamber, when Kirigan thinks of something he apparently forgot to tell Ivan on the road and pushes the door open imperiously, not bothering to knock. "Ivan! If those Fjerdans were already at Arkesk, then we need to -- "

There is a monumentally panicked scramble as Ivan, the stern, unflappable, terrifying Heartrender captain of the Second Army physically dives away, hits the ground, rolls over and over while frantically trying to lace his trousers up, and Fedyor has lunged with equal dispatch behind a sofa. There he crouches, likewise attempting in vain to restore his clothing, as Kirigan comes to a halt and looks around quizzically. "Ivan?"

"Moi... soverenyi," Ivan pants, climbing to his feet and brushing floor dust off his kefta. "I did not -- I thought you were -- "

"I seem to have interrupted something?" Kirigan arches a sleek dark brow. He catches sight of Fedyor, then shakes his head. "Oh, Ivan. You really could do better."

At the look of pure rage on Ivan's face, a look he has never seen before in relation to him, the Black General blinks, and even he thinks better of picking this fight. "Ah," he says. "My apologies. Congratulations, of course. I hope you two will be very happy."