What The Hell Do I Know?

what the hell do i know?

one thing that i've noticed upon coming home to arizona is that i've given more scrutiny to the individual behaviors of my family. it sounds almost clinical or psychological--but it's not a process i actively engage in for some sort of cold, scientific purpose. i think it's just part of being away from them for so long; i feel like i've become more sensitive not only to the things that make me miss them, but also to the things about them that i don't miss at all while i'm at school in los angeles (or in the case of this past semester, australia).

what i'm interested in is what i do in response when these things make themselves evident. i catch myself chastising my siblings, parents, or friends, either out loud or quietly to myself, when they do something or act in a certain way that , from my perspective, is wrong or disrespectful. i feel a sense of entitlement, like my self-supposed worldliness enables me, even obligates me to tell them what's right from what's wrong.

i guess what i struggle with is this protective desire to better my family, to make them more cultured, to make their lives more enjoyable, to broaden their sometimes narrow worldviews (again, from my perspective). but the fact of the matter is that i am one sibling away from being the youngest member of my whole family. relative to the older five members, what the hell do i know?

honestly, and i don't say this to gloat, i think the answer to that question is: a lot. one thing that's nice about having a large family is that we all bring so many unique perspectives to the table. random facts: my dad joined the u.s. navy in the middle of college while in the philippines, so that he could raise money to send back home to my grandparents; my older brother and older sister have been in relationships for almost ten years each; my little sister is the youngest of five children; i'm the only one who's attended university in los angeles. these aren't necessarily earth-shattering differences by any means, but they illustrate something i think i understand a little bit better: the members of a family all have different experiences and think and act in different ways that may sometimes clash. i think what makes the family strong is how they stick together through it all.

so while i definitely don't think i should try to force my ideas about what's proper on anybody in my family, i don't think it's necessarily wrong to share them, as long as i do it tactfully and respectfully. i'm lucky that they know it's just out of love.