They Are Definitely My Holy Trinity.

The Conflict of Guinevere

i'm never opening up to people again. btw

At the moment

Dried mascara stains

Little marks on my legs, arms, and shoulders.

Numbers on the scale. 

Numbers on my plate.

Tears in my eyes

Lists

So many lists

Things to do 

Things to write

Words to say

Words that will never be spoken

People to talk to. 

People to avoid. 

Breathe in 

Breathe out

Hold it in. 

Suck it in. 

Suck it up. 

Walking on eggshells

It’s all so dirty. 

Clothes on the floor. 

Papers on my wall. 

God can’t be found here. 

Scrubbing my skin until I am raw all over

Ice cold showers. 

Grades are dropping. 

They are all leaving. 

I can’t breathe. 

I can’t do it. 

Is this who I have become?

what if a PROPHET LESBIAN was giving you the SHROOM WILDERNESS equivalent of MKULTRA and you get so HIGH you become a GIRL and another girl but DEAD hijacks your BRAIN and thinks about LESBIAN ACTIVITIES with the LOCAL TERRORIST literally ALL THE TIME

stupid

After all this time, I am still stuck.

I am still listening to your stupid playlist 

with your stupid songs

that only remind me of how stupid i was.

I can’t really remember why I used to think that caring for you was smart.

Was it because you were?

You answered every question,

but you couldn't describe why you wanted me.

Because you never did.  

OH MY GOD IM ACTUALLY OBSESSED HOLY

boots // rudyard kipling

it's not like nikola tesla knew all of those people were going to die by Hanif Abdurraqib

Open

You see, the thing is, some people can just open up. 

They can just crack their hearts open. 

Spill out the truth. 

I can’t. 

I won't. 

Because if I did, everyone would think I was insane. 

Everyone would see me for what I really am. 

A mess. 

An unlovable mess. 

Used and disgusting

Fat and fake. 

Mean. 

Crazy. 

Damaged goods. 

That's who I am.

Not some put-together girl who has a few issues. 

Not someone who knows how to help. 

I can’t help. 

But I can make it worse. 

So much worse.

It would be so much worse if I opened up.

Trust me. 

Journal Page #2

Joan of Arc rant