I've Been Listening To So Much 1D And Watching Old Videos And Reminiscing And One Direction Were Sooooo

I can’t sleep because I keep thinking of D. I had a dream about him the other night — we were in some sort of retreat together. When we finally got the chance to interact, I asked him if I actually did piss him off and he said yes. Then, I gave him my rationale that it was inevitable that I did that. He wasn’t mad mad but I felt like he got so turned off by it so I understand. Then when I think he finally came to terms with it, he started saying how he can’t believe we’re together again (not together together, but like, in the same room together). I was actually a little spooked because I thought he was already seeing someone else but he seemed so happy to be with me again so whatever.

I’m so pissed at the fact that I had to wake up before anything happened. I can’t believe this is happening. I’d like to think that I haven’t truly felt this way ever, not even with the people I actually dated. I’m so mad that I know a lot about him that, if I were sick enough, I could actually hunt him down. Of course, I won’t do that. I know my dream did not mean anything other than the fact that I saw one of his friends’ story with him in it. I haven’t thought of him in a long time because I’ve been trying not to proactively. Sometimes though, I do still wonder if I could ever talk to him again. I wonder what I’d say. I could tell him I have never felt what I felt that night for any other person. I could tell him it felt pointless to seek or even think of finding a partner when the one I actually wanted in my life has passed me by. I could tell him that I’ve only been to his place one time but the C-5/Pasig area crushes my soul every time I pass through there because it was one of the most serene moments of my life and I’m not even sure if I could ever feel that way again. I mean all of that, which is why I feel so helpless because it’s not like I could just reach out to him again. He’s been seeing this girl and I know because I saw that his music ig followed her. Right then and there, I kind of already knew. When I went to check on the girl, I found that she has twitter and linked to it was her tumblr. On her tumblr, she would post a lot about him. I hate this even more because she looks so pretty and nice and in love. And, I could never wish for her relationship’s downfall just because I have a crush on her man.

I just hope that I finally find a reason to stop thinking of him and wishing for him. Sometimes I pray for him to just get married already so that I could finally end my delusion. It hurts that this is how things are and even more so because I can’t even do anything about it.

Anyway, here’s ceilings.

“But it's over

Then you're drivin' me home

And it kinda comes out as I get up to go

You kiss me in your car

And it feels like the start of a movie I’ve seen before…”

God doesn't need your strength- Just your surrender

it's not that I need a quiet day or a day off exactly; it's that I need a pocket of time that exists entirely outside of linear time as we know it that would allow me to get things done without time passing in the real world, and frankly, I don't think that's too much to ask.

date a girl who makes it harder to go to sleep but easier to get up every morning

you will feel so alive again.. like so incredibly alive. i dont know when that will be but it will be. u are gonna feel so alive that ur cheeks hurt from smiling oh man oh man i promise that day is coming. you do have a future, you do have good things coming, and you’ll survive everything that’s thrown at you until you reach that day

Thank you, Lord! I am so rich ✨

Having a clean home, a warm bed, and a sense of security is truly the biggest blessing. That is enough to be content especially in the world we live in today. We are rich is ways we don’t realize.

What exactly am I supposed to do? Be horny and stupid for the rest of my life?

We all have our off days. Don’t allow the hate to bury you under for too long.

I think people underestimate the luxury it is to live alone and be able to cry whenever you want, then go outside, buy a sweater, come home, drink tea, bookbind something you've read on the internet, do your nails, laugh at a show, use a 6 seat-table all for yourself and your 2500 pieces puzzle, eat nothing at all or everything on sight, listen to your podcast on your sound system, and just emote whatever you want to emote without anyone ever asking "are you okay?"

Maybe I'm crying, maybe I'm laughing, and no one needs to know about it, I'm just humaning and I don't actually want to discuss it and I don't ??? have to??? because living alone is so luxurious 10/10 highly recommend.

nothing / sad n stuff

i don’t know what’s happening. are u not talking to me, purposefully???!? this is so unlike you and i wonder if something’s wrong. i asked if you were at the meeting earlier and you were but you haven’t replied to me since yesterday + haven’t tagged me in anything for the last 24 hours. i know that’s so trivial and we should be able to do our own things separately but i have a feeling something’s up. i dont need you to tell me if you dont feel comfortable but i dont like feeling helpless and i dont like the idea that i cant be there for you. i just need a sign that you’re okay. i love you so much and i miss you. i feel bad you’re not talking to me and that i dont know what’s going on, if any. i really hope ure okay girl like genuinely. not just because i miss you. i hope this isnt; because of ateneo cause you’re literally so much more than that. god please let this girl know im here for her whatever happens. she’s so much more reserved than i am and for the longest time, i’ve taken her for such a strong level-headed person. i want to be there when she doens’t feel like being her strongest self. im like crying and shit. i really miss you girl like WTF. talk to me!!!!