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when the CEO tells you what to do

HERMITCRAFT SCIENTIFIC MEASUREMENT OF PATHETICNESS

LINK TO PART TWO

hi lads sorry for not posting in a while life’s a bit manic right now xoxo

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pov you are ren and iskall in season 5 (reference: 1 & 2)

Alright, here we are. Back by popular demand, I have favourite moments from Joe and Cleo’s paper model stream Part 3! Y’all asked for this so here we go. (Definitely not a short post anymore)

—

Cleo (singing): Excellent choices!

Joe (singing): Made by me! Made by you!

Cleo (talking): I mean, I wouldn’t say this is an excellent choice made by us. Just as a-

Joe (still singing): As long as we stream together! Nothing can ever stumble us both at once!

Cleo: I mean, I think you’d be surprised.

Joe: There’s nothing we can’t achieve! You and me!

Cleo: …Yeah.

—

Joe: Why’d you leave the cat up on the table?

Cleo: Because she won’t go away! She knows she’s not allowed on the table, but I’m here and therefore it must be awesome.

Joe: Mhm. Yeah usually when I climb on a table it’s because you’re there. This is why my viewers are always like “Joe, Cleo brings out such negative behaviour in you.”

Cleo: *cackle laughing* It’s true. It’s true.

Joe: It is.

Cleo: I am a bad influence on you.

Joe: I mean, you could have just ended that sentence after influence, but you know it’s fine.

—

Cleo (affectionately): Joe you are rude today! I think that’s the second time you’ve insulted me in like 5 minutes.

Joe (not even 2 minutes into the stream): What, already?

—

Joe: You know, you’ve had so many jobs in your career. Obviously night surgeon is going to be the next one.

Cleo (holding a scalpel menacingly): *maniacal snickering*

—

Cleo: *leaves for literally less than 2 minutes*

Joe: *singing The Wellerman at full volume*

—

Joe (reading chat): Is Cleo next to me? You know, I like to think that Cleo’s always a little bit ahead of me, but it encourages me to catch up.

—

Cleo: I mean, to be fair, most things could be me. For I am- for I am…(with drama) I am legion! For we are many!

Joe: Hell is empty! And all the Cleo’s are here!

—

Cleo (reading chat): “Does Joe know what you look like?”

Joe: No…

Cleo: I could send you a photo if you wanted Joe. If you really felt the need.

Joe: See, I- I- I felt like, you know, asking like, uh, women on the Internet to send me pictures of themselves might be a bad look, so I have chosen not to ask? But…I mean if you’re volunteering I am curious- especially because if I am in London and I do bump into you somewhere, it would be nice to be able to say hello.

Cleo: Fair enough. Hang on a second.

Joe: But I am hoping to get over there like next summer.

Cleo: Let’s see if I can find a pho-I don’t tend to take photos of myself because I don’t like showing myself-…ever. So…let’s browse some photos, see if I can show you.

Joe (panicking): …Oh! Are you gonna send it like right now so you can get a reaction, cause my fa-my face is on camera?!

SILENCE

Cleo: There you go. That’s me.

—

Joe (in response to seeing Cleo’s face for the first time): so you’re so- you’re so private about your appearance, I don’t wanna say anything that, like, that could be used to interpolate anything.

Cleo: You can just say I’m minging it Joe, it’s fine.

Joe: What does minging it mean?

Cleo: Ugly as all hell. That’s basically what that is.

Joe: What?! No!

Cleo: It’s fine! I know…

SILENCE

Cleo: *laughing* I’ve made Joe feel awkward now, that takes a LOT to do! *laughing harder*

Joe: No no! No! No! So the thing is I’m running through the, like, security mode threat model thing where I’m like “ok, so Cleo definitely benefits from people thinking shes ugly, so I don’t wanna like mention how attractive she is because then that gets that weird in multiple ways while also revealing that she’s very attractive which th- somebody could use to track her down” and I’m just like, eh I’m just gonna let this one slide.

—

Joe: I have tried a few adjustments Cleo, but in the end I never made it as a wise man.

Cleo: I mean-

Joe (singing): I couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealing.

Cleo: To be fair, you do strike me more as a- as a… (trails off)

SILENCE

Cleo: I was trying to think of a non-insulting…

Joe: Just go ahead and insult me, it’s fine.

Cleo: I- I- ah-

Joe: You’ve already insulted yourself enough this stream.

Cleo: I see you as a sheep is what I said.

Joe: What?

Cleo: As in not a wise man, not a shepherd, you’re a sheep in that nativity.

Joe (delighted): Awe!!

—

Cleo (reading chat): “Do you often lie to spare Joe’s feelings?” Umm…

Joe: N…no.

Cleo: Not often no. *giggling*

Joe: I mean, she doesn’t have to. I’m great.

Cleo: No, it’s alright, Joe doesn’t have feelings it’s fine. I mean, not that I’ve noticed.

Joe: if Joe had feelings we’d have to start acting ethically around him, so it’s in our best interest to ensure that research does not detect any.

—

Cleo (reading her chat): “I just wanted to say your voice is very pretty”. I don’t know how to take that.

Joe: Oh, thank you!

Cleo: I think Joes voice is very pretty. I appreciate that.

Joe: I was gonna say, they know that you’re not me, right? I know it’s confusing cause we’re both talking on both peoples streams.

Cleo: I mean, I think- I think they might know that you are the pretty one.

—

Joe (reading chat): “not gonna lie, I’m kinda jealous of those glasses.”

Cleo: Umm…in the fact that they’re on Joe’s face? Or just-

Joe: Oh yeah, you know everybody’s jealous of anything on my face, I get it.

Cleo: *wheezing intensely* Yes Joe… *cry laughing* No, I’m done… *laughing continues* Ok… *trying desperately to compose herself*

—

Cleo (about Scar jump scaring Joe): Again, if you haven’t seen Joe scream like an itty bitty baby-

Joe: I’m sorry, babies don’t have lungs this powerful. I screamed like a man. Screaming like, very loudly.

—

Joe: I’ve gotta do this 3 more times and what’s deeply deeply upsetting is I know I’m gonna do an equally bad job every time.

Cleo: No!! No! I believe in you Joe!

Joe (with heavy dead-voiced sarcasm): I’m sure the 4th one will be perfect Cleo, you’re right. I should’ve believed in myself all along. Thank you. For those words. Of affirmation. They mean so much. Coming from such a close friend.

Cleo: I dunno about you chat, but I definitely felt sarcasm.

—

Cleo: I’m crushing it right now! I wish I wasn’t. *dejected* Why do I always hurt the things I love?

—

Cleo (entertaining Joe’s chat while he’s away): Do you think Joe grants wishes? Because if he does grant wishes, I don’t think it’s the wishes we think he’s gonna grant. I mean, it would explain Joe, because he could grant wishes in the way that, umm…Hmm…I’m thinking…

Joe: I’m back Cleo if you need me to grant you any wishes.

Cleo: I mean, could you?

—

Cleo: Awe! Practical Magic was one of my favourites when I was growing up!

Joe (heavy sarcasm): I can’t imagine why!

Cleo: *snickering* I built my whole life around it. *laughing* shut up Joe.

Joe: *snickering* Surprising no one!

Cleo: SHUT UP JOE *laughing*

—

Cleo: To be fair, if Joe really didn’t like me threatening him I would stop.

Joe: Yeah no it’s fine.

Cleo: See?

Joe: It makes me feel important.

Cleo: You are Joe. You are very important.