Commission For @forsaire !

▪︎𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 “𝙎𝙤𝙖𝙥” 𝙈𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙨𝙝 | 𝙏𝙁 𝟭𝟰𝟭– 𝙊𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙚 ▪︎

something something your friends howling with laughter when you send “john mactavish — the better john” back to the table he shares with a bunch of wide shouldered sorts with a careless “sorry, i prefer my “johns” with experience” after a cursory up-and-down over his body.

those same friends staring slack-jawed when an absolute bear of a man drops heavily into the seat opposite you with a “heard you like a john with experience, s’that right, sweetheart?”

meanwhile you’re staring at the grey hair in his beard and at his temples with something approaching stars in your eyes

old drawings of ghost

Loser!Simon Riley dating you - you’re his first significant other ever. he’s not great about expressing himself, not wanting to come off as too clingy or needy. he wants to be helpful so he ends up following you around - the first time he came over to your place he almost followed you into the bathroom

Loser!Simon Riley that holds anything you give him - he will not let go of it until you comment on it. you hand him a pan in the kitchen? well, you didn’t say if you wanted it on the stove, in a cupboard, the sink… so he’ll just hold it. grip a little too tight, knuckles almost white as he waits for you to give him instructions. when you look back at him and smile his knees go weak, “Oh, sorry— you can put it on the stove, Simon.”

Loser!Simon Riley that gets most of his dating advice from Johnny. Simon taking his advice literally, not interrupting it any other way. Johnny absentmindedly saying that he should help you into the passenger seat - but he walks off before Simon can ask for clarification. Johnny had meant simply opening the door for you, and Simon does that… he also lifts you up and sits you down, buckling you up before closing the door

Loser!Simon Riley’s brain turning to mush when you touch him. he doesn’t initiate touch for a couple weeks because he doesn’t know what to do - hold your hand? rest an arm around your shoulders? put a hand on the small of your back? the first time he does anything it’s barely noticeable. sitting at a restaurant together, your hand resting on the table as you talk. he’s sweating bullets as he silently puts his hand on the table, his pinky finger resting over yours

Alejandro is banned from going to Costco without a responsible adult [read as: Rudy] present.

This is after he came back with two bulk packs of pancake mix, a pack of 30 mini crossaints, and three different kinds of tequila.

Rudy sent him to buy a bulk pack of batteries, and that only.

Kate knows that if she and Sarah are walking into Costco, they're walking out with a rotisserie chicken in a bag. Every time without fail.

They're also buying light bulbs and a ridiculous amount of Dr Pepper.

Sarah ignores the cigarettes in their cart for the sake of her own health, and Kate ignores the blanket that she knows she didn't put in there.

Nikolai walks in like a man on a mission. He has his comfiest shoes on, and he is prepared to elbow a grandmother. He's stockpiling herbs and spices.

John is getting more cashews that necessary because he will eat them.

Neither of them are sure when they picked up three pounds worth of green grapes, and yet they leave, grapes in hand, regardless.

my dad, trying to explain the concept of money to me: say you have a sandwich, and i need your sandwich. but i don't have anything to give you. you're not just gonna give it to me.

me: i would just give it to you.

my dad:

Dick: I just think, maybe, you're wrong.

Duke: Wow Richard, invalidating a young black man during Black History Month!

Dick, confused: Its April

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Tim takes the last two cookies for him and Bernard.

Duke, who already had one but wanted one for school: Woooow Timothy, taking from a young black man during Black History Month!!

Tim: Its September!!

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Jason accidently hits Duke a little too hard during a sparing match

Duke, who is completely fine the next second but is in that mood: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW—

Jason: Its fucking November and you're fine!!

Duke, ready to double down: WOW JASON PETER TODD, BEATING DOWN AND THEN INVALIDATING THE EXPERIANCE OF A YOUNG BLACK MAN DURING BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!

seeing straight men be disgusted by booktok smut recommenders has actually radicalized me to the side of booktok smut recommenders. girls your taste may be atrocious but i will never disparage you for exposing mainstream discourse to the concept of soaking through your underwear. spent my whole life listening to men talk about penises it’s about time they get jumpscared by women talking about pussy in crude detail on social media. go forth and goon my warriors