Butcher!Ghost + Soap

riley: [barking]

price: simon, please make riley stop

ghost: [starts barking too]

riley: [barks back]

ghost: he says he won't

price:

price: this base is a fucking nightmare

Ghost:"whenever I'm mad at somebody I just remember that one day they will cease to exist and suddenly I'm in a better mood."

Price:"I said psych evals are coming up and that was your response?"

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

Here me out (mentions of pregnancy) From the moment Simon put a ring on your finger, you’ve been bent over every surface in the house. kitchen counter, dining table, even the washing machine mid-spin (i make myself laugh LOL) So it’s no surprise you ended up knocked up. Honestly, it was kind of the point. He wanted to see you like this. Full. Round. Swollen with his baby.

Now, months later, your back aches, your belly's heavy and your husband’s hands are right there, soothing, lifting, holding you together with a kind of reverence that makes your knees weak.

Because if it was his goal to get you like this… then it’s his job to take care of you now that you are.

-------

From the moment Simon put that ring on your finger, he made a quiet, devastating promise with his body as much as with his words.

You’d been bent over every surface in the house. The kitchen counter, hallway wall, the back of the couch, his lap in a dining chair, gasping his name into the crook of his neck, legs trembling while he kept you right there.

It was no surprise, really, that you ended up pregnant.

He'd wanted it. Wanted you round and full with it—his. Not out of ownership, but out of something deeper. Legacy. Healing. The need to build something softer than the war-torn world he came from.

Now, months later, your belly swelled gloriously with the proof of all that want. His want.

And tonight, it hurt.

Your back screamed from the weight, pressure clinging low and stubborn as you leaned over the kitchen counter in the dim glow of the fridge light. You were trying not to cry, not to wake him. But Simon always knew.

You heard his footsteps before you felt him, that quiet shuffle down the hall. And then—

“Back again?” came the rasp, sleep-heavy and warm behind you.

You nodded without turning. “It’s… too much tonight. I can’t get comfortable. I feel like she’s pulling my spine apart.”

Simon stepped closer, hands coasting over your hips, then around to your belly. He didn’t ask, just moved with quiet knowing, slipping his hands beneath the curve of your stomach and slowly lifting the weight off your aching back.

Your knees buckled slightly from the release, from how the ache dissolved under his touch. A long, broken sound fell from your lips, something between a sigh and a whimper and you melted into him completely.

“Oh my God,” you exhaled, your head tipping back to his shoulder. “Simon…”

Simon didn’t say anything at first, just held the weight of you both in his hands. His lips pressed to your temple, then down to your cheek.

“You carry her all day,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “Let me carry you.”

Your heart ached in the best way as he held you there, hands beneath your belly, supporting all the strain, all the pain. You let yourself sag into his body, trusting him completely.

“You’re so good to me,” you whispered, arms curling back around his waist.

Simon was quiet for a beat, his voice soft as velvet when it came. “You gave me a home I didn’t know I wanted. You gave me this…” His hand splayed gently across the side of your belly, where your daughter shifted softly beneath the skin. “I’d do anything for you.”

The silence that followed was heavy with love. The kind that needed no words.

Eventually, he helped you back to bed, slow and careful, cradling your body like a sacred thing. And when you curled into his chest, belly pressed to his side, you swore you heard him whisper thank you into your hair.

Like he still couldn’t believe he got to have this. Got to have you.

assistant!Reader that the guys didn’t know took up weightlifting classes and self-defence after a run in with a creep when out shopping one evening

Soap finding you in the rec room one morning, making Price’s tea, and he notices your headphones are in. An evil grin spreading across his face as he slinks towards you

He snickers to himself, wiggling his fingers before grabbing your side, and the next few seconds are a whirlwind as your shrieks registers in his ear before your hand is gripping his wrist in a death grip, whirling around as you slam your knee to his abdomen, before swiping your foot under his, sending him sprawling back in a fit of coughs and groans

“Soap? Oh my god! What the fuck?!” You cry, dropping to your knees beside him as Gaz and Ghost rush in, Johnny staring at the ceiling, struggling to breathe

A little break before we go on with Nikto

Masterlist

Ghost, Farah and Gaz

Reverse Robins AU where Damian actually does not dislike Tim at all. In fact, he admires him for his commitment and determination (even if he’s not a particularly brilliant fighter in the beginning) - besides, if anything, growing up in the League taught him that if you wanted something like that, you should grab it while you have the chance.

Damian walks into the cave after being called there for something important. He has no idea what’s about to go down but Alfred, Bruce, and Duke are all there intervention style with some random kid that damian only vaguely recognises (because he doesn’t really care).

Damian: What in God’s name is this.

Bruce: Well, son… this is Tim. he’s going to be working under your old hero name.

Duke and Alfred exchange a wary glance. Tim gives a little wave because what are you supposed to do when everyone looks like they’re collectively waiting for a bomb to go off??

Damian takes a minute, but eventually realises they’re waiting for a reaction from him. Which still doesn’t really explain why they’re looking at him like that, but people can be strange.

Damian, who hasn’t been to the manor in a while for Reasons: How long has he been training?

Tim, who still doesn’t get what the big deal is and is just pretty eager to impress this guy: Three weeks!

Damian goes quiet again, and Bruce sighs, ready to intervene—

Damian: You should show me what you’ve learned, at some point.

Tim beams. Damian turns around and walks away. Everyone else just has to take a minute because hey, wasn’t it supposed to be more difficult than that? He didn’t want an explanation? No grand argument? Nothing?

Sooner or later, the pair of them start training together. Damian visits more often to keep tabs on tim. (Naturally at some point, Tim has to fucking die, because this is a Reverse Robins AU. But it’s nice while it lasts)

I get so irrationally angry when people (namely non USAmericans) lean hard into meme-ing the "stupid americans" jokes

Because yeah, maybe you're right, a lot of us couldn't name your neighboring countries, or we can't point to your province on a map, or we haven't the foggiest clue of conversion rate of imperial to metric, or whatever reason or tidbit you want to add. Yes. We know that. We know that you know that.

But consider. A lot of us haven't left our own state before. A lot of us don't know half our own state. Please consider that a lot of people are simply trying to make it to the next day, next week, next month. I, myself, am extremely fortunate to be living with my parents at my age and my "rent" is extremely low. I'm fortunate. Many people are scrambling to pick up extra shifts at work or finding a second job to afford cost of living. Lots and lots of people are worrying about how to get karen out of their face without losing their job, they don't have time to study maps of europe.

And I get it. It's extremely easy to make that joke. We make it easy. And you don't what the average working class looks like. You hate our politics but can't change them, we hate them more and have no choice but to live with them. Your taxes go to public schools and healthcare. Ours go to military forces.

I can't police what anyone says, just asking that you think about your jokes. You're kicking a dying horse here.