Diary Entry #22

Diary entry #4

I had a terrible day at work. My vacuum was broken (I'm a houseman at a hotel) but nobody is allowing me to get a new one or switch out the cord or whatever. It's a cord style where you can switch it out and all I need is a new cord and it fucking frustrated me to no end. I'm just gonna buy myself a new cord because I'm not arguing for my ability to get my job done.

Also fun fact about the "houseman" role. It's basically cleaning hotels in the areas where people don't sleep, everywhere besides the rooms. But anyways I said to a random guy on the elevator that I was a houseman and he said I looked more like a housewoman to him (OOF) but something about different identities and stuff. It made me freeze up. If my work counselor wasn't right there I may have said something about, hey, you were right the first time! But my work counselor was there so he'd probably snitch to my (grand)parents, I didn't chance it.

I want to tell people that I'm a guy actually but I'm so afraid of being caught. Can't wait till I get tf out of here (my grandparents house)

no, No!

I refuse!

I refuse to give into the transmasc temptation of naming myself after my current character hyperfixation

it didnt work the last 30 times why would it work now

(unless..)

Diary entry #2

I want to make some pvz butcher vanity fanart SO BAD but for some reason I keep putting it off. I saw this post about not being able to put your blorbos in situations can be depression and like. yeah that's true.

Butcher Vanity is an amazing song btw

Probably gonna make some MAMA chicken ramen soon

I have underlying dysphoria that just seems to get worse every day. I look at men irl and online that are cool looking and I get so jealous it makes me angry. I'm still stuck in this shell I can hardly recognize, something that can be fixed or made better but I'm not allowed. I can't even cut my hair short for christ's sake.

Started Gravity Falls last night, gonna try to watch an episode a day; for some reason I have problems watching shows/playing videogames even if they're really good. When I was a little kid I didn't have that issue.

HOLY SHIT I LOVE THE INTERNET SOMETIMES

Dropping this here for anyone who may not already know about it. paywallreader.com

Basically all of the characters from Pizza Tower are incredibly gender frfr

Diary entry #15

Feeling a little bit better. I've been reading a lot recently, the pvz comics and also "american teenager" which is a book about trans kids' perspectives! It's really good so far!

My brain is whirring with different fanfic ideas.

I ordered a crazy dave figure and sunflower plushie and I'm so excited!! I wish they shipped soon but whatever i guess lol

This is the first line of official pvz merch in forever. I wish they made an Edgar Zomboss figure or plushie or whatever but I'll take what I can get haha!

I know I'm just distracting myself from the horrible reality ahead but it's nice to be distracted sometimes

I think I'm at like peak hyperfixation when it comes to plants vs zombies; idk how much longer it's going to last but judging on my other hyperfixations it might be a year or more before it fully fades.

[ID: a screenshot of a Youtooz pre-order with a Crazy Dave figure and Sunflower plush /END ID]

[Start ID: A picture of a grey hamster on a blue couch. Top text says “I can’t fucking take it”, bottom text says “seriously I’m at my limit. /End ID]

Tw- transphobia

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Today fucking sucked

Misgendered constantly, had to deal with my annoying bible thumping counselor being queerphobic, and I had to admit I wasn’t straight at my appointment (they ask for your sexuality for some fucking reason, I lied at first but my grandma said “be honest” so I told them the truth after that.)

Could someone please use my name (August) in a sentence with my pronouns (he/him/it) I’m not feeling too great rn.

It's so weird to me that Trans men and trans mascs are expected to be "better than cis men", because we lived (or still have to live) as women.

Like, JK Rowling is an awful person who is a woman. Both Nicki Minaj and Colleen Hoover defend their rapist family members . I shouldn't expect either of these people to be good people based off their gender and lived experiences because they are people and they're just as capable of being awful like everyone else. Terfs aren't suddenly devoid of being victims of misogyny when they spew terf shit.

So tell me why, trans men and mascs are held to this standard? Why must we do our best to be perfect little ken dolls while the rest of you get to be people?

You can argue this about us being demonized too but Im not gonna go into that today.