TW: Mental Health, Dissatisfaction, And More. Lil Vent Thing

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye