Blue Lagoon, Iceland

The goal is not to meet neruotypical life milestones and ideas of independence. The goal is to have a life where you are happy and have the support you need.

I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

For some reason I couldn’t actually answer the ask with the emojis, but this is for the anon that requested: Sensory overload? As a word or an actual emoji would be good

This took a while since it was hard to decide on what symbolism to use (I experience sensory overload myself, but it was still difficult haha), but here you go!

[ID: three emojis: two faces, and one word emoji. The first two are of an emoji face experiencing sensory overload, represented by warped radar-like waves from all angles. The first has a distressed expression, while the second has a dull, neutral expression. The third is the phrase “sensory overload” written in purple bubble letters. /End ID]

Surrendering to Despair

Having only recently realized as a 21 year old that I definitely have autism, I’m gonna make a list of all the things I thought were just me being weird or even that I thought everyone also did but were actually symptoms like omfg.

This is obviously a list of my own personal experiences and also kind of just for me to get it out there, but please feel free to reblog or reply with yours if you’re also coming to realization later in life!! 💞

1. AUDITORY PROCESSING DISORDER!! This was the tipping point for me realizing. I always thought I was just hard of hearing but nope!!! I can remember being 16 and trying to explain this to my old psychiatrist as everyone “sounding like they’re speaking simlish” which obviously fans of The Sims know is just gibberish, but she was interpreting it as me just knowing a whole other defined language 🤦🏻‍♀️ Which actually brings me to my next point…

2. Trying to explain things to people in a way that totally makes sense to me but barely anyone seems to understand what I’m trying to say. Like the words are wrong I guess, but they’re the only ones I can think of so I get seriously stumped. And then I try to correct myself but after two attempts and the person is still not getting it I just give up. Then there’s the even worse side of this where I’m just talking or making a joke but then my mom gets mad at me because I’m being “rude” but I don’t understand why. I’m not sure if I just wasn’t conveying my intentions properly or if I did actually say something rude and I just don’t know it. This fear has caused me to have really bad anxiety.

3. Asking someone a question but they don’t answer “the right way” so you just ask them again (and sometimes several more times). But not always right away and also you don’t always realize you’re asking again.

4. Thinking of how much mental and physical effort it takes to speak and becoming so extremely overwhelmed by it that you just remain silent, sometimes not by choice

5. In conversations with others and you’re spending the whole time formulating in your head what the “normal” response is rather than just naturally responding

6. ALWAYS GODDAMN BOUNCING MY LEG, tapping my foot, moving my arms, playing with my hair (a big one for movement and also touch stim), wiggling my toes (if I’m trying to be descreet), or just simply moving literally all of the time. I always thought I was just antsy but no. I cannot stop, I always have to be moving. People look at me weird.

7. Loud noises scaring me more than they should. The most prominent time I remember was getting so extremely scared to the point of tears every single time I’m at a parade and the fire trucks come by with ALL of their sirens on. Still to this very day. Even just hearing sirens close to me gives me anxiety it’s so loud

8. Total inability to retain focus on things. And actually I’ve known I have ADD for a few years but I didn’t think it was more than that.

9. If someone says something and the way they said it had a lovely cadence or it was just said funny or interestingly, I immedietly just repeat it in the same tone and pace without even thinking. It’s not even to make fun of someone, I just thought it sounded cool, but sometimes people get offended ://

surprise! shinji jumpscare

what are some autistic traits that not many people talk about? or generally that are lesser known traits?

This one is difficult, only because autism is so different for everyone. But, things I've come across that are common that are not the typical "difficulties with social interaction":

Lack of facial expressions or inappropriate facial expressions to the mood

Talking too loudly or too softly

Gastrointestinal issues

Difficulties with walking, like not swinging arms, or odd postures

Almost falling over constantly, or bad balance

Walking into door frames or walls or furniture or people

Lack of fear at a young age or being overly cautious at a young age (well before the usual developmental milestones)

Lack of self-understanding, such as when we're thirsty, hungry, need to use the toilet etc

Sitting in awkward positions

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (higher rates of this co-occuring with autism)

Emotional attachment to inanimate objects

Being LGBTQ+ (higher rates in the autistic community, percentage wise.)

Eating disorders

Quick anger over "unimportant" things, with a sudden and quick cool down

Either a lack of an internal world (aphantasia) or an over active imagination that can dominate their real world

Maladaptive daydreaming (related to the above)

And that's just from the top of my head. There are heaps more, and there are so many that aren't the "can't understand conversation" traits.

I try to fight it, but some days it is really hard