Just Came Back From My School Trip. The Only Things That Happened In These Three Days Were Crying And

so hi. i haven't opened tumblr in like a month as i was away from home for my scholar internship, now i'm back and i don't even know where to start. first of all, i hate my house and my parents, i wish i could go back to vienna every single moment of every day since i've been here. i despise my bedroom, i eat too much, my bed stinks and everything reminds me of depression. today's been the worst so far, i don't even have the strength to wake up or answer some texts. and viennaaaa, oh how i miss the place, and the people. to them, it probably isn't as important, this is just a normal experience a lot of teenagers do, but to me, it was most likely the closest i'll ever be to knowing what it feels like to be alive, to have a group of friends you can laugh with and get high with and to have people who care about you and know you, even if just a little bit. i was alone and i was alright. nothing will ever bring me back to those feelings. feelings my mind has already erased due to how i'm used to this sick place. and i don't want to go back to school, i fear there's no more energy in me to spend another year like the last few ones. always swinging, ranting and raving, feeling like I'm being dragged around. and that one boy...for the first time ever, i felt like i could be interested in someone in a normal way. for the first time, i wasn't obsessive or unnatural, at least not while living through the moment. only he has a girlfriend. and like, who am i fooling? i am able to recognise that i am not his person anyway, and that nothing would have happened even if he hadn't already been with someone because of how i normally act and handle these situations -i don't feel like i deserve to be with someone, I'm firmly sure nobody will ever feel romantic attraction towards me-, the problem is that i don't know how to forget and how to move on from all of the simple, yet special things that have come upon me, as it never happened to me before.

sometimes i just feel like i wanna hang myself

literally me with that one classmate who's trying so hard to tell me who i am supposed to be and what i do wrong, to the point where she acts insane when i tell her it's not it

Like you know nothing about me.

fairy tales always have a happy ending🩶

your skin so golden brown

be young, be dope, be proud

at school rn, i just want to go home and sleep. i can't even use my phone since my seat is right in front of the teacher

but i'm not scared, there's nothing to lose now that i found you

and if you're ever tired of being known for who you know, you know, you'll always know me 💌🍂

i really want to kill myself

what have i ever done that makes me unworthy of having friends?

she is a siren, la femme nikita

and so it's autumn. i don't want to go back to school.