The Blue Lady 🧿𓂃 ࣪❄️

so hi. i haven't opened tumblr in like a month as i was away from home for my scholar internship, now i'm back and i don't even know where to start. first of all, i hate my house and my parents, i wish i could go back to vienna every single moment of every day since i've been here. i despise my bedroom, i eat too much, my bed stinks and everything reminds me of depression. today's been the worst so far, i don't even have the strength to wake up or answer some texts. and viennaaaa, oh how i miss the place, and the people. to them, it probably isn't as important, this is just a normal experience a lot of teenagers do, but to me, it was most likely the closest i'll ever be to knowing what it feels like to be alive, to have a group of friends you can laugh with and get high with and to have people who care about you and know you, even if just a little bit. i was alone and i was alright. nothing will ever bring me back to those feelings. feelings my mind has already erased due to how i'm used to this sick place. and i don't want to go back to school, i fear there's no more energy in me to spend another year like the last few ones. always swinging, ranting and raving, feeling like I'm being dragged around. and that one boy...for the first time ever, i felt like i could be interested in someone in a normal way. for the first time, i wasn't obsessive or unnatural, at least not while living through the moment. only he has a girlfriend. and like, who am i fooling? i am able to recognise that i am not his person anyway, and that nothing would have happened even if he hadn't already been with someone because of how i normally act and handle these situations -i don't feel like i deserve to be with someone, I'm firmly sure nobody will ever feel romantic attraction towards me-, the problem is that i don't know how to forget and how to move on from all of the simple, yet special things that have come upon me, as it never happened to me before.

sometimes i just feel like i wanna hang myself

can I get a fucking hallelujah? ➳♡₊˚.

i'm attending my first 18th birthday party this weekend and i just want to cryy😭😭 the girl who invited me is so sweet but i've never been to one before and i've got nothing to wear (nor have i the idea of what im supposed to wear + clothes in normal stores usually don't fit me), i'm not able to do my own makeup and, worst of all, im not so sure about the gift im bringing her.

what makes me so sad is that i've tried to ask for help to my mother, my sister and two girls who are supposed to be my best friends and none of them cared AT ALL. every time i talked to them about it they just made me feel like a burden and that i was stressing them by following them around like someone who doesn't get that they are not wanted

i only want to make a good impression and don't want to look weird😭 why does nobody care about me

also, one of those two girls is in my same class, ive considered her as my best friend for years now and not only she made me cry on my last birthday, but also forgot about it this year. i mean i'll be 17 next week but i heard her today talking to a classmate of ours: they were planning to hang out together with other classmates RIGHT next to me and they were deciding between doing it this saturday or the next one - which is my birthday. well my friend insisted on doing this meet up next weekend - i repeat, the day of my birthday - as she is gonna be busy on this one. in that very moment my heart shattered. what the hell like what do you mean??? she has done things like that before and whenever i succeded in bringing it up - it's very difficult for me to talk about what upsets me and she knows it - she just told me that she obviously didn't do that on purpose and that she only forgot about it/me. it didn't come to her mind at that very moment. as if it weren't even worse

OMGGGG i never posted like this but I don't know anyone I can show my excitement to, I just won a scholarship!!!!!! I'm going away for one month this summer, I still don't know where but I worked so hard for this, I CAN'T BELIEVE I DO DESERVE THIS, I'M CRYING

i've got a burning desire for you, baby

(pictures are not mine!!♡)

and so it's autumn. i don't want to go back to school.